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He always goes through my phone!?

(43 Posts)
RainbowsandLemonDrops Wed 11-Jan-17 11:00:54

I've NC'ed but i'm a regular.

Basically, my DP goes through my phone quite a lot. The first few weeks of us dating he said he saw messages from another guy when I was 'drunk' - I didn't really believe it as the messages were old and you had to scroll to the bottom of WhatsApp to see them.

A few weeks ago, he ordered me a Xmas present at a store you have loyalty points with and put my e-mail in to get additional points. A few days later, he said oh I went into your e-mail to see if they'd ruined my surprise for you.

I know he went through it last night, I went into the shower and my phone was moved and opened on a page (whatsapp) to what I left it in which was RightMove.

It doesn't bother me, I have nothing to hide. I just find it a bit intrusive. I've never cheated or given him reason not to trust me.

WWYD?

Champers4Pampers Wed 11-Jan-17 11:04:29

I would find this really intrusive. I understand you have nothing to hide but it would make me feel untrustworthy. What is a relationship without trust?

Does he let you look through his emails/phone?

What would his reaction be if you put a pass-code on your phone?

xStefx Wed 11-Jan-17 11:05:36

phone lock - the cheeky sod

Gallavich Wed 11-Jan-17 11:06:09

This is really unacceptable and controlling. The fact that you have nothing to hide is irrelevant. If he thinks this is ok then what other areas of your life does he think it's ok to control?
Why don't you have a pin?

PotteringAlong Wed 11-Jan-17 11:07:06

I'd be really annoyed that I was being checked up upon. I have the same passcode on my phone as my DH; we can both get into either phone / tablet at any time. I do not snoop his texts or emails and he doesn't mine.

MollyHuaCha Wed 11-Jan-17 11:09:45

You need a new password to unlock yr phone. Or one with thumb print recognition (your thumb, not his...)

RainbowsandLemonDrops Wed 11-Jan-17 11:10:12

I do have a pin, he knows it.

The strange this is, he doesn't control me at all! I've been in controlling/abusive relationships before. He's nothing like that - very loving, supportive and makes me feel like a princess. It's just literally this one thing!

Yes, he will tell me to answer a call/reply to a message if he's showering or driving. He'll leave his phone around (I never go through it) and I know his pin.

I look at pictures of the kids he's taken on his phone and for example, if my battery was dead or upstairs and I need to google/map something he'll say use mine. He isn't protective of his phone at all.

SortAllTheThings Wed 11-Jan-17 11:11:34

Change your pin!

PidgeyfinderGeneral Wed 11-Jan-17 11:16:16

I'm afraid that would massively piss me off.

DH and I both know each other's PINs and can look at each other's phones but we don't bother unless one of us asks the other to look for some reason.

Having nothing to hide doesn't mean you don't get any privacy.

CocktailQueen Wed 11-Jan-17 11:19:01

Yeah, that would piss me right off too. Change your pin, ask him to stop using your phone, tell him how you feel.

TheNaze73 Wed 11-Jan-17 11:20:18

I agree, change your PIN.

Does annoy me on here, the total double standards on here about phone privacy. If you don't trust someone, leave them. All the snooping around is so wrong.

He's being controlling on a subliminal level

BertrandRussell Wed 11-Jan-17 11:20:37

Change your pin.

ElspethFlashman Wed 11-Jan-17 11:21:03

If you change your pin you'll soon find out his true colours.

I guarantee the minute you change your PIN he'll accuse you of texting a guy.

Try it as an experiment. I'd bet you a fiver.

Hellmouth Wed 11-Jan-17 11:23:50

Change your pin and tell him you don't feel like he trusts you. He's being an intrusive twat.

My partner knows my pin but he would never go through my phone without asking me first because he trusts me.

Gooseygoosey12345 Wed 11-Jan-17 11:37:26

Sounds like he's insecure tbh. Have you spoken to him about it? Has he been cheated on before? Obviously it's not really acceptable for him to be checking your phone, it's not healthy behaviour

BarbaraRoberts Wed 11-Jan-17 11:40:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowsandLemonDrops Wed 11-Jan-17 11:57:37

Goosey I think you're right - he is very insecure, he asked me out on multiple dates years back and always told mutual friends he thought I was beautiful years ago.It wasn't the right time for me to date then, i'd come out of a physically/emotionally/financially abusive relationship and needed time on my own. Fast forward three years, we live together, have a loving and otherwise healthy relationship.

I genuinely don't think he'd cheat, i'm not foolish I know it's always a possibility and I know the warning signs trust me! but i'm completely at ease with him... He's so open with his phone.

I don't like the idea of changing my PIN, we have an open relationship and it would be totally out of my character to change it... I just want a solution to this problem. I'm probably gonna get flamed for that blush

BarbaraRoberts I thought this too, we have a good relationship, I wouldn't just leave him! But I need my privacy and it is an invasion of that. sad

Wolfiefan Wed 11-Jan-17 12:00:54

The solution is you tell him not to use your phone without asking.
I'm guessing he will ignore this.
You either put up with this controlling behaviour or change your pin. I would expect him to explode if you do so. Worrying.

Gooseygoosey12345 Wed 11-Jan-17 12:02:09

It doesn't sound like he's being shady to me but obviously I'm not there. I'd just sit down with him and say how it makes you feel, that it's kind of insulting to not trust you when you've not given him any reason not to

Gallavich Wed 11-Jan-17 12:05:26

Tell him then! Tell him you have nothing to hide but that doesn't mean you want him to be privy to all your correspondence and conversations with friends! That's just weird. Would you meet a friend for coffee without him? If so then you should be able to text friends without him.

BertrandRussell Wed 11-Jan-17 12:10:50

Why does she have to tell him she has nothing to hide? Who goes into anyone's phone without permission?

"Please don't go into my phone without asking. Thank you"

And if he does it again, change the pin.

RainbowsandLemonDrops Wed 11-Jan-17 12:13:21

Nah, he's not shady he's lovely grin

Right i'm about to send this, he'll pick it up on his lunch!

I noticed you went into my phone last night, I’m not sure why. It’s a little bit invasive now - I’d rather not have to change my PIN but snooping through my WhatsApp messages makes me feel like you don’t trust me. I have nothing to hide and you know that now you’ve looked regularly over the years. I always ask to use yours or will let you know that I want to see the pictures of the kids from the weekend for example. You’re very welcome to use my phone/look at things but what if I wanted to plan a surprise for you!? Enjoy the rest of your day x

whattheseithakasmean Wed 11-Jan-17 12:14:22

Tell him that you need him to ask permission before going through your phone. That is an entirely reasonable request - my DH would never go into my phone/handbag/open my mail without asking - and we have been together for over 20 years.

I would also change my pin. But I would make the reasonable request and by changing the pin would know whether he had respected my wishes.

ImperialBlether Wed 11-Jan-17 12:14:53

If you do tell him to leave your phone alone, he'll think you're up to something and will just go into it when you're not there.

I would change the PIN and tell him why. If he didn't like it, I'd end it.

BertrandRussell Wed 11-Jan-17 12:15:11

Don't send that! Far too many words. And you need to tell him face to face.

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