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Is my friend being rubbish or am I expecting too much?

(12 Posts)
Tywinlannister Wed 04-Jan-17 15:23:12

My dearest friend of at least 25 years has been going through a time of it. She is in the midst of an affair and has had troubles with her DH of her own, has recently made a ton of new friends via a group online and so always has a lot to tell me when we meet up.

For 3+ months I have diligently listened, given advice, sympathy, text her all the time when there was "news", met her for coffee at difficult times etc.

And now I have just had some news of my own. I am pregnant with DC3, rather unexpectedly and v soon after DC2 (we are shocked but really pleased!) I had fertility treatment for DC2 which makes this all the more surprising! I text her immediately on Boxing Day and I have barely received a word back. Told her last week I was going in to hosp for tests as we had no idea how far I was along etc and only just now did she ask how it went. And all the while I can see that she is constantly online and messaging these new friends 20+ times a day with inane things like "what's your favourite cartoon character" type stuff. So it's not time that's stopping her from asking. It's lack of care. I feel like she's a different person and is quickly losing track with reality as she is always in this online world with her new friends and this guy she's seeing. I've tried the hard line of "what if your DH finds out" but she has no real practical ideas, just very noncommittal responses.

WWYD? Am I expecting too much of her right now just to bloody text and show an interest?

icelollycraving Thu 05-Jan-17 07:50:14

I'd concentrate on your family. She will be back with her tail between her legs when it goes tits up. By then you may be v busy with your new addition.
Perhaps a message to say you are hurt.
Congrats on the pregnancy!

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 05-Jan-17 07:55:46

She doesn't sound very interested in you except as someone she can tell all about her exciting new life (and affair) hmm

I'd cut contact down significantly and wait for her to get in touch, if you want to stay in touch that is. She sounds like a great friend confused

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 05-Jan-17 07:55:50

No I would have expected a text back at least but she sounds very self absorbed. And from a judgy POV I don't think I'd want to be close friends with someone who's happily chatting about her affair not the qualities I'd look for in a friend.
Congratulations op I would concentrate on your family and maybe making some friends at baby group etc.

triskellionoflegs Thu 05-Jan-17 07:57:35

If u miss her a lot u could suggest meeting up for coffee and a chat - she may focus on you and wake up to being a friend better in person? And u could tell her gently that you miss talking to her about things (easier in person than by message I think).
If that doesn't work, you may have to accept that she has moved on to this, and cannot be relied on as ur go to friend. She may come back, but I would try to form new friendships with people who have similar lifestyles to yours and take your mind off her a bit.

Fallonjamie Thu 05-Jan-17 08:01:05

What do you want her to be saying? She has asked how things are going. When someone is on their third baby, it isn't as exciting and new as when it was their first for anyone else but the parents.

If you really feel there's more to it than that, all you can do is talk to her.

Tywinlannister Thu 05-Jan-17 08:56:11

This is quite a big one Fallon as like I said, we never expected to be able to have another without treatment, we also aren't really in a position for a third yet but will have to get ourselves sorted quickly. New house/car/DP needs to learn to drive ASAP. Plus I didn't know how far I was along as I've not had periods yet from DC2 so there was a lot of "omg what if I am 5/6 months" type convos with friends who actually did give a crap. She never even asked about that.

Anyway, I sent her a scan pic as I am quite far along as it goes and she never responded despite being online on FB literally all day and posting in her group. So there's my answer really. I'll not bother now, although I am sure when there is "news" with the other man she will be back. Contessa you have it totally right, I guess I was just a sounding board.

Whatwhatinthewhatnow Thu 05-Jan-17 09:43:25

I think this can happen quite regularly, people prioritise new shiny friendships over old ones and then wonder where all their old friends have gone. Congratulations - but don't text her anymore, just wait. When the fallout happens I am sure you'll hear!

PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel Thu 05-Jan-17 11:12:03

Could she have fertility issues of her own? Could your pregnancy have triggered something? Not condoning it- I got rid of two "friends" who were forever pulling this shit last year...but could this be part of it?

Tywinlannister Thu 05-Jan-17 11:52:12

No she has three children of her own - which is why I thought she might have advice or at least something to say. And her advice during my fertility journey was to pray more. She has fallen pregnant within one cycle each time.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 05-Jan-17 11:58:49

Ah, get rid op. All friends oscillate a bit in terms of how much attention they pay to you (I do this too; we all do!) but this sounds like she's been persistently crap for a while. You don't need this ego drain in your life.

kelj2 Mon 09-Jan-17 09:00:09

Honestly I'd concentrate on your family. I definitely don't think you're asking too much especially when she's online talking to other people. I've had friends who show no interest in me and I just stopped worrying about them because I didn't have time for one sided friendships in my life and I feel so much better for it. I still see them occasionally at group things and of course I'm polite but I don't go out of my way for them anymore. I know it sounds really rude but I'm in a better mental/emotional state because of it

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