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Will counselling help after cheating

(10 Posts)
Lilyflower15 Tue 03-Jan-17 08:50:23

Hiya first of all I'm not looking for negative comments on here I just need some advice from people who have been in my position please
Last year in June I found out that my fiancé had cheated on me for a second time. Our little girl was 7 months old at the time.
When I found out we broke up as I had already given him his second chance. Basically since then he has gone to counselling on his own and has completely changed as a person. I decided to give him one last chance as I could see how much he really wanted to be a better person and I also naturally want my family to stay as one!
Since we've been back together it just hasn't been the same which of course I thought would be the case at the start but it's been 7 months and I'm still very down about it all and find myself doubting my decision quite often because of the fear of it happening again even though I can see how different he is!
Just want to know if some counselling will help? Should I go on my own first? Really need some advice and would love to know it can all be ok again in the end 😕
Tia xx

steppemum Tue 03-Jan-17 09:02:25

I think the issua for me would be that he had done it twice. It is pretty difficult to come bakc to a place of trust after that.
On the other hand I do believe people can genuinely change if there was something that he has now dealt with. So I understand you giving him another chance.

Counselling may help. It would certainly give you a safe place to explore how you feel and what you want to do. I would suggest going yourself to start with.

Lilyflower15 Tue 03-Jan-17 10:57:50

Thank you, it's nice to hear someone not just telling me to get rid of him xx

steppemum Tue 03-Jan-17 11:06:43

Hmm, no, but I would feel very wary, and without knowing details of how and why he changed etc, I wouldn't necessarily trust it.

But a counsellor would be able to help you work through whether or not he is taking you for a ride, or is genuine, would be able to point out red flags, or not. They would also have some perspective on this change in him and how real/permanent it may be.

Objective help, focussed on your needs.

Lilyflower15 Tue 03-Jan-17 11:29:15

Yes I know what you mean. The counsellor I was planning on seeing was the same one he spoke to when it all happened.
He basically has sat and explained to me how he was seeing things completely wrong... for example at the time I found out he said he felt like I didn't have anytime for him and he struggled with not having as much attention (cuz of the baby) but now he says he sees that if he had helped more with the baby I wouldn't have been so stressed and moody and he wouldn't have felt like that... And now he does so so much around the house and with the baby, he gets up in the night with her and gets up and brings her downstairs every morning so I can sleep in, cooks most evening etc etc
He's also so much more open and will sit me down whenever he feels he needs to talk to me about how he's feeling, he never did that before, that's just a couple of examples xx

steppemum Tue 03-Jan-17 13:21:42

That sounds great, a real breakthrough. BUT. If my dh had a problem in our relationship, he would not deal with it by sleeping with someone else.
He might
-talk to me
-talk to someone else (male friend/sister)
-leave
have a blazing row

you get the picture. What he would not do is go and sleep with someone else. Even if he felt I was totally out of order.

So, I think there is still an issue there.
And I am not sure that HIS counsellor is the best person to see. In fact, she/he may agree to see you, as part of HIS counselling, but she/he would be massively breaking good practice to take you on as a client as well. It is conflict of interest.

Roodolf Tue 03-Jan-17 13:26:41

I've just ended my marriage over long term online cheating.
But I think I need to go to counselling because I'm reeling from what's happened. In your situation I am sure there is a need to talk thru how you feel - angry, betrayed, uncertain, fearful? And how to manage your relationship now.
But definitely not the same counsellor, you need someone for you.
After that I'm sure joint counselling might be of benefit to help you find your new way together, if that's going to be possible.

Lilyflower15 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:55:46

Yes that's where it started from, his counsellor said it would be an idea for me to come along but at the time I was so angry I declined.
I totally agree with you about how he handled it... Sleeping with someone else doesn't solve anything! That's why I'm still needing help with moving forward xx
Thank you Roodolf, I'm so sorry you're going through all that 😔 It really scares me that I'll be in the same situation in a few years time xxx

selfishcrab Tue 03-Jan-17 14:09:25

Seeing the same counsellor is not something I advise at all, in fact I wouldn't see a spouse/partner if I'd worked with their other half!
Counselling may help you find your own thoughts and may be clear your mind so that you can find your path through this.
It won't fix your probelms with your partner but may help you understand and work though your own feelings/emotions.

babyface Tue 03-Jan-17 21:27:41

When my marriage went pear shaped over similar issues I found counselling incredibly helpful. It gave me the space and energy to work out what I really wanted. I can't speak highly enough of finding a good counsellor you trust for 1 to 1 sessions and taking it from there.

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