MIL how would you react(13 Posts)
I feel like my mother in law bullies me. DH just says that's just how she is.
Went for lunch today without DH as he was at work and BIL and grandchildren also come over and SIL makes a joke about how I should do the cooking for once. MIL joins in to say I probably wouldn't know (as can't cook Indian food) and then mentioned the next time she speaks to my mum she will shout at her and tell her off for spoiling me, treating me like a princess and not teaching me anything! I'm not usually a softie but it took everything in me not to cry. My MIL is just horrible to me. BILs and DH just humour her and the rest of the family constantly tell me I'm the favourite DIL.. how?!
Oh dear, poor you. Some people are just horrible and it stands to reason those people have kids - and people marry their kids!
Have you spoken to DH honestly about how you feel?
So am I right in assuming that you are from a different culture than MIL and she's taking the piss out of you for that?
Tell her that you find the comments hurtful and could she please not make them?
I'm Indian too. My mil tends to belittle and humiliate me to my face when she stays here, then bigs me up in front of my sil in India. Sil (dh brother's wife) just ignores her & will give her the silent treatment on anything other than the most essential communication. Suggest you do the same. I get the same comments re: my cooking because I'm from another caste and so my cooking style is very different.
We're both from an Indian background however my parents are more liberal (they follow religion over how culture dictates a man/woman should be - in most instances anyway. Kind of along the lines as a man should be the breadwinner and woman should make sure he is fed!) I openly admit I cannot cook. I get by, husband is happy eating anything and never complains. I am newly married and completely feel like an outsider in their family unit. I just feel like MIL treats me like such a child, and this allows her to talk to me however she wants, which is usually quite rudely for but for whatever reason she think she's the perfect MIL. I'm a 28 year old who owns her own house and car and works full time. I hate going there, FIL barely makes any conversation, elder SIL hates me and keeps calling me a pampered princess behind my back which MIL gladly tells me. BIL actually stuck up for me today and told his mum to stop saying what she was to which my MIL replied I shout at your (BIL) wife too! As if that makes it all ok. I've not even been married 6 months and I'm feeling stressed and exasperated by them and I only see them once a week. I've moved town so not near my own immediate family anymore and live closer to in laws. I'm finding it very tough and lonely and don't know how to deal with my mil.
Does your dh know about how you feel? It's really unacceptable for your mil to be bullying you like this. As for dealing with them, suggest you start dropping in comments about just how much you actually do. Most Indian women I know wax lyrical over every major and minor thing they do even when they don't actually do very much (I was raised by East African parents so we're doers rather than tellers). That might stop the princess comments but tbh if sil's a housewife and you're working then expect the comments to continue until someone calls her out on it.
My DH is thankfully amazing when it comes to backing me up in front of MIL or simply sticking up for me as I am too chicken to say anything for fear of it turning in to a massive row! MIL just doesn't see how horrible/harsh she is being and I simply can't fathom how anyone inc herself can think this is reasonable behaviour. Everyone around her either enables her or laughs her comments off and I'm sat there thinking 'come on I can't be the only one who thinks this is crazy?!'
I leave their house feeling pretty upset usually all the time and as amazing as DH is, I'm sure he gets fed up with me complaining (but he's had chance to get used to it for over 30yrs), this is in turn leads to rows between me and DH.
Other examples -
not talking to me the next time I see her if I couldn't make it to somewhere she had said I would go to weeks in advance but gave me less than 24 hrs notice.
Calling me up and offering me food during the week (very lovely of her but I don't eat much Indian food and therefore kindly refuse), but then getting angry when I say no thank you I have already cooked. DH says next time we should just take it to keep her happy and then throw it as no one will eat it. Which I think is a crazy solution, why get annoyed just because I don't want to eat a dish you have cooked.
Blatantly speaking to me with so much disrespect, in a way members of my own family wouldn't even dream of doing.
I just feel trapped and worried for what the future holds. I honestly can't cope with this forever.
SIL seems to have an issue with me being treated nicely and she thinks she gets the rough end of the deal. I fully admit, I am well liked by other members of the family but that is also purely due to the way I am with them. I am polite, well-mannered, sociable and I have nieces and nephews on DH's side I adore and lovingly invite over and spoil. I don't see what SIL has against me but in my head I think I can handle that. She has her own twisted reason for not liking me. Me getting married to the youngest son has taken the shine off her a little. I just don't understand what I have ever done to MIL but also how she could have got by all these years thinking that that's reasonable behaviour
Would dh support you in dialling back the visits to mil? You shouldn't be seeing her or talking to her more than once a week or longer depending on how long you can stretch it out. Familiarity does breed contempt.
I agree with your dh re food - my mil's food is rank but I pretend to eat it to keep the peace. She'll never know if you chuck it out. One trick I Did was asking mil to teach me how to cook her way- it resulted in a slightly improved relationship in that she won't call me useless any more.
I used to accept a plate of my ex mils food. Saved me feeding the dog that night!! Maybe avoid seeing her without your dh for a good long while?? You aren't obliged to!
I think that's now going to be the plan! Had a really good chat with DH and he came up with 2 solutions;
1) go NC except for major family events.
2) I never go there without DH there to back me up.
I'm very lucky to have a supportive DH who warned me from the beginning how unreasonable his family can be. I just find MIL intimidates me so much, she's trying to be completely matriarchal and DH just doesn't take her on which makes her even more angry. And then she takes a lot of that out on me. MIL is very childish and petty and will ignore me or not speak to me for the slightest thing. She just intimidates and scares me and DH will never understand how much.
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