Can't do anything right(16 Posts)
This is my first post as I've reached a point where I don't know what to do. I will try to keep it short while not leaving get out details.
I'very been together with my wife for 12 years, married for 8 years and have twin daughters just turned 4 who are the best thing ever to happen in my life but since my wife fell pregnant our relationship has turned destructive, she had a rough pregnancy and the girls were born early and spent 3 months in icu which was hard.
I was working full time and after the girls came home I had a lot of hours to make up for and my wife gave up work to look after the girls. I have always done everything I can around the house cooking cleaning looking after the kids.
After 2 years my wife was struggling being at home and wanted to go back to work at the same time I was made redundant and went from working 6 sometimes 7 days a week 14 hour days at the end to being at home. My wife was offered a job the day my job ended and she really needed it so I agreed I would stay at home with the girls. I take care of the house, cook, clean and look after our girls it's been a year now.
Pretty much since the girls were born she turned on me, no matter how much I worked imitation wasn't earning enough money for her, when I was working 14 hour days I wasn't at home enough, we went from being a happy affectionate couple to strangers. Since I have been at home she puts me down and says a real man would be at work but she was the one who wanted me at home. I do everything going she asks and it's never enough. Now she's working the money in our joint account is her money but when I was working that was hers as well. When things don't go her way she screams and shouts threatens divorce, if she has to spend any time at home as a family she is very short tempered with our children and often just takes off and I have no idea where or when she's heading back which isn't an issue just a worry. I don't socialise, go to the pub etc.. but she does but always complains she never gets time to herself yet she does all the time. When the arguments start she always says I'm useless and I don't do anything like bringing up our children constantly housework and cooking etc is nothing. She says when she was at home everything was perfect and I did nothing for her but I did most of the housework and worked at the same time as she couldn't cope. After years of constant put downs and her conversations that always start "of you were a real man" I had a minI breakdown with anxiety which according to her is not a real condition it's an excuse for weak minded people. So now she has that to bully me with. Everything on this planet is my fault she looks down on me as I'm not a real man not good enough. If I try to leave she says so what but then rings me that I have to be there everyday to take care of the kids which means I can't work to pay for somewhere to live.
I keep trying so hard but it's never enough for her and she always hard done by yet I get nothing from the relationship no love affection no respect. Nothing is off limits to her and what she says if I argue back to stand up for myself she then turns it around forgetting that she started screaming and shouting in terms first place. My whole life is doing what she asks and then getting in trouble for doing just that. The only thing that keeps me going is that my girls are so good and stable but I worry this will affect them if it hasn't already. When Thier mother says they should marry for money and not low earner like Thier dad it worries me because I would rather they grow up being strong and independent, have a good career and not need to rely on a man for money.
I know deep down that the only way forward is to leave but I don't want to leave my girls, I've offered that she leaves and I stay but she says no.
Today she woke up in a mood sat on the sofa until lunch then went out without a word and came back a few hours later and started shouting about how useless I am. She didn't take the kids with her so I had them to look after and she said I was at home doing nothing... is this normal? Is this what happens when kids come along??
No and u should leave I'd say. No one should make u feel so shit. And if ur the main carer, take the girls too .
I'd say make her leave but that is more difficult and u sound worn out.
Get some legal advice, then leave. This isn't a relationship it's just abuse.
That's the problem if I leave where do I go with 2 children? I have nothing no access to money etc..
since the girls were born she turned on me
OP: Was her GP informed of this change of character?
You're the primary carer, you have all the same rights as anyone who does the bulk of the child rearing.
You need to talk to a solicitor I think to find out where you stand.
The GP was informed but OP is very strong willed and didn't want to go as mental health is seen as a weakness to her, I kept an eye on her in case she was depressed but even if she was she changes character very quickly and is nice as pie as soon as anyone is around. A lot of my friends have picked up on things over the years when she let's herself slip in front of them or says something about the girls that is a bit off. I have tried to get her to the GP but it just gets me grief and arguments.
She sounds horrible and I can't even say that I can see her side at all like I can in some posts.
I don't want to upset you, but when she went out - do you have an idea where? Is there someone else?
Your children are almost school aged, start working in how you can get back into work and get legal advice.
mental health is seen as a weakness to her
OP, Please give this article to your wife.
19 Truths Postnatal Depression Does Not Want You To Know
Love learning, thanks for the link, trust me she spoke to the doctor about my anxiety. The doctor told her straight it was a genuine illness, she's read articles etc.. she sees it as weakness of the mind a character floor. My mother suffered with PND from when I was a child after she had my brother and I grew up around it so I know the signs. Our situation is just a one of just pure anger and hatred towards me.
anger and hatred
As with so many mental health problems, this could be caused by a chemical imbalance. Medication could solve the problem.
OP: You need help handling this situation. Get details of your local Mental Health Carers' Support Group from your GP's surgery.
She is an abuser. Concentrate on your own mental health. Not hers. Get legal advice you won't have to leave the home.
Start making your exit plan.
Oh my what a horrid way for you to live!!
I certainly think leaving would be the best thing for you and your dc. This is not a healthy relationship for you, nor a healthy relationship for them to witness. Think how you'd feel if your girls grew up and treated their partner in a similar way because that's the example they've been set.
I'm sure it seems impossible to walk away, if only logistically but there has to be a way.
I would also argue that, in her current frame of mind, she wouldn't put up too much argument about you taking the kids. (I don't mean denying them their mother, more that she doesn't appear, from what you've said, to be in a position be be a stay at home mum right now). She certainly sounds like she needs to have some form of medical intervention with regards to her mental health but you cannot force her.
Do you have family you can turn to and perhaps stay with in the short term. Also, get some help with what you'd be entitled to financially as a single parent
Your wife sounds like a bully. I understand you have anxiety but I think if you end the relationship the anxiety will go because you won't be around her. Your girls will thank you when they are older, is she saying all these things in front of them or is it once they are in bed?
Sounds horrible, think of the girls as they will be seeing/hearing some of this too. Your the primary carer, are there any family you could turn too for help about this?
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