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DP & ex issue.

(8 Posts)
xTinkerBella Sat 17-Dec-16 12:34:04

I'll give you some background info.

DP was with his DD mother for five years and they have a 3 year old DD. They both made the decision to break up just before Xmas last year.

We've been in a proper relationship for 5 months, I'm yet to meet DD but he does want me to. We've discussed moving in together in the New Year, he stays at mine every night except Wednesday and Fridays when he has DD. He's wonderful, everything I could ask for. Except the fact they're in constant contact and argue a lot! She's asked that I meet her before DD - fine, I'll do that. His ex, knows about us, knows he has a girlfriend but knows basic info but has made a few digs about him moving on but seems to have really gone crazy this last week.

A few weeks ago she messaged him when we were in bed one morning, saying "can DD FaceTime you in a minute". DP really panicked and said "don't say anything, be quiet please!" And "oh no, she's going to see your headboard!" After the FaceTime I sternly said I will not be a secret and I will not be told to be quiet in my own home! He apologised and reassured me I'm not a secret.

Thursday night was my works Xmas do and DP came along, he spent the majority of the time on the phone arguing with her! She'd said she was telling DD he was dead and other vile things. I just keep out of it.

She called this morning, he went into my kitchen and spoke to her. He came back and said she'd asked where he was and he replied why? What does it matter? And then carried on the conversation regarding contact over Xmas.

Why wouldn't he tell her he was with me? I did say to him why wouldn't you just tell her? And he replied well she knows anyway she's just being awkward.

What would you do? I know I'm not a secret but I still feel like he feels awkward. The constant messaging, the arguments, him not telling her who I am (she wouldn't know me anyway) sad

bluecashmere Sat 17-Dec-16 12:43:01

Unfortunately if his ex is the kind of person who will use your existence as an excuse for your dp not to see his DD then it's understandable that he's reluctant to say he's with you. It's particuarly difficult if he's trying to negotiate Christmas contact. I'm not saying this is right but leave it be until January and see what happens then. His DD is more important to him than you and so she should be.

AyeAmarok Sat 17-Dec-16 12:46:14

He's being a coward. The longer he plays this stupid game of denying he's at yours because he feels a bit awkward, the more difficult it will get.

Tell him to man up and rip off the plaster. Deal with whatever fall out there is (there might be none) and then you can all move on.

xTinkerBella Sat 17-Dec-16 12:59:49

Blue you're right that she should be number one, she is and I'd never question that. I wouldn't be with someone who is OK with not seeing his kids. They don't have that relationship where she stops him seeing their DD. That's not the issue at all.

It's more the constant messaging/arguing etc. We had a formal Xmas do and he spent the majority of the time entertaining her phone calls! Their DD wasn't in any emergency, she was sleeping at home!

It just upsets me a little that he won't admit he's at my house when she called! He pretty much lived here!

ElspethFlashman Sat 17-Dec-16 13:00:35

You are moving very VERY fast.

You're talking about moving in with him next month, when his daughter doesn't even know you?

But next month she'll be confronted with a complete stranger in a new house she has to stay in every Wednesday and Friday?

Does his ex have any idea that you two are moving in together so fast? Her DD is her first concern and if I were her, I'd flip at the deception as it directly affects a 5 year old girl.

This seems like a car crash in slow motion, can't you see that? This bloke is messing everyone about, not just you.

ElspethFlashman Sat 17-Dec-16 13:02:18

Also, take a damn good look at how argumentative he is with his ex. That's how argumentative he can be.

Naturally he's not like that with a girlfriend of 5 months who he is cocklodging with 5 day out of 7. But this is who he is, nevertheless.

xTinkerBella Sat 17-Dec-16 13:02:31

Aye thanks for your response. I don't think there is any issue, she just feels like arguing and he gets it. I'm the first relationship he's had and I think he just doesn't want to add fuel to the fire. He has to grow some balls someday I guess.

Never dealt with exP drama before I don't have kids either.

xTinkerBella Sat 17-Dec-16 13:10:11

Elspeth thanks for your response. I appreciate she has her daughters concern and rightly so. My post isn't clear tbh, it should say in the next year. We aren't moving in together in January.

You're jumping to conclusions thinking my DP is argumentative, he isn't actually he's the complete opposite and should stand up for himself more. He isn't being straight with her because he's not wanting to add fuel to the fire. She's said some awful things!

I don't feel she needs to know that he stays with me most nights that isn't her business because their DD doesn't stay. On the nights he has her, she stays at his as she has a room and she's familiar there!!

I wouldn't say 'cocklodging' more in a new relationship and enjoys spending time with me thanks. I'm experienced and mature enough to know when someone is 'messing me about' and I don't get that vibe at all.

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