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Interferring friend? How do i tell her to back off?

(18 Posts)
Sparkesx Mon 05-Dec-16 16:24:34

I am 23 and my best friend is 29. At the beginning of 2013, I met my ex through my best friend which caused problems. At first all was good but as the relationship went on he became controlling & abusive, she tried to give me advice and told me to leave but I thought I knew best and that he loved me. I know now it’s ridiculous and he was taking the piss out of me because I was young. I learnt a lot about myself throughout that period.

She was always SO involved in my relationship and knew more about my relationship than I did! I would say I wasn’t still seeing him when I was and she would scream in my face, call me all sorts, she would drive past his house to see if my car was there and even used to tell my manager what was going off in my personal life with regards to the physical and emotional abuse I was going through - which made me the subject of office gossip. I ended up losing my job. I understand she came from a good place and felt I ignored her advice. I hold my hands up and say that I did lie about still seeing him, I was just terrified of her finding out. I now see I should have got a fucking back bone, told her to back off and him to jog on.

When I split with him, we became close again, did everything together, went to family events, we spent every weekend together. Now I’ve met the most incredible guy, he adores me as do I, we spend most evenings together and he truly makes me so happy. Around the same time my OH came along, my friend began to do things I disagreed with e.g. sleeping with married men. This has happened 5 times now with different men in relationships/married. I do not want to be a part of that or associate with someone who does such things. Now she has accused me of ditching her, said she never sees me anymore (I do, I always make an effort to see her twice a week) I’d respect her if she was in the same situation. In the four years I’ve known her, she’s never had a relationship.

Over Christmas we’d normally see each other a lot. This year I want to enjoy my first Christmas, in a happy, loving and committed relationship and she’s got very snotty with me, although i'll still see her! sad

I recently had quite a large friendship group (who she introduced me to) however due to the affairs and sleeping with married men we’ve all drifted off, some have had babies, some in new relationships (like me) and some have just become distant with her.

I know OH and I may not last forever (hopefully it does!) but how do I make her understand that, this Christmas/New Year/Any other special occasion I will want to spend time with OH as it’ll be our first and I do love him and his company is better than being out drunk and cold!

My other friends understand this, just not my best friend! And why doesn’t she give other friends the grief she gives me?

How do I approach this and tell her to back off without upsetting her/losing her? She really has been there during some difficult times and I know her heart is in the right place but I feel like i'm 13 years old ffs! hmm

2cats2many Mon 05-Dec-16 16:28:07

It sounds as though you are in a controlling and abusive relationship with her as well.

Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad thing to lose her.

Sparkesx Mon 05-Dec-16 16:29:54

I'll add to this long post & explain why she makes things difficult. She'll say things like well you never make time for me, you've changed, you see too much of each other! You'll get bored of each other and he'll cheat. She'll purposely ask me to do things when she knows i'm seeing OH that night.

Sparkesx Mon 05-Dec-16 16:30:20

2cats - I confided in a work colleague recently, they also said the same thing too sad

BackforGood Mon 05-Dec-16 16:30:24

You've kind of asked different questions in the one post.

IF you want to no longer be friends because you disapprove of her sleeping with married men, then that is one thing.
You are a pretty poor friend if you ditch a really close friend because you want to spend all your time with your new man. I read that you still see her twice a week, but then later you say you want to spend all of Christmas, New Year and other special occasions with him. I think that's a pretty poor way to treat a good friend ~ if that is what you still consider her to be.
Not sure why, for example on NYE, you can't go partying with both your man and your friend, tbh.

Sparkesx Mon 05-Dec-16 16:37:12

BackForGood I'll be seeing her Christmas Eve and Boxing Day to see her family also. I think that's reasonable.

2cats2many Mon 05-Dec-16 16:42:35

You are allowed to do what you want. If your friend thinks that your choices make you a bad friend, she is free to stop calling you and to stop meeting up with you. She can call time on your relationship whenever she wants.

What she isn't free to do is tell you how to live your life and punish you for not spending as much time as she would like with her.

BackforGood Mon 05-Dec-16 16:45:02

Oh, right - sorry, I didn't get that from your OP.

Sparkesx Mon 05-Dec-16 16:49:55

BackForGood - my fault it wasn't clear! smile

Ohdearducks Mon 05-Dec-16 16:50:32

She's NOT your friend, she sounds fucking psychotic. I doubt any amount of telling her to back off, sounds like you need an injunction against her, seriously friends do not have this much control over or involvement in their friends lives.

Ohdearducks Mon 05-Dec-16 16:51:28

Sorry should have said 'no amount of telling her to back off will work.'

228agreenend Mon 05-Dec-16 16:59:53

She sounds manipulative to me.

A good friend does not stalk,you to,see if you are with your bf's, or tells,your manager personal details (does she work in the same company?). You shouldn't have to justify who you are seeing and when.

She should accept that if you have a partner,,then you are bound to see less of her. I think seeing her on Christmas Day and Boxing Day is more than reasonable, especially as Boxing Day is often a family day.

I think,you are going to have to tell are straight, and if she starts,protesting, ignore her toddler tantrums.

If she is a real friend, she will support you and accept your new relationship, not moan about it.

Is she jealous of your relationship?

I'm sorry bit I think the friendship is not necessarily a healthy one, and although I can appreciate she has been very supportive, I think it's probably on her terms.

Sparkesx Mon 05-Dec-16 17:10:37

228 - thank you, you've hit the points I felt I was going mad about. She shouldn't make me feel like I need to explain myself. I helped her get a new job, in my office and her and my manager became close, then she began to tell her what was going off in my personal life. Despite me asking her not too. Maybe she is a little jealous, it was always us two for so long and she's never had a relationship as long as I've known her. shock

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 05-Dec-16 22:46:26

She sounds more abusive than your ex.

She got you fired FFS.

Do one of the "red flags to look for in a relationship" tests on her. Suspect it'll come back really high.

Sparkesx Mon 02-Jan-17 10:53:37

I'm posting this as I didn't want to post another long post with the background of us... hopefully I'll get a response here.

So, my best friend introduced me and my boyfriend, she knew him before I did. Anyway, I had a drunken night with a guy and the next morning I called her in tears as I was so embarrassed by what I'd done. I begged her not to tell anyone. As far as I was concerned no one knew. DP told me about this night and said my friend had told him before we got together. What the fuck!

He also mentioned she'd told him about something 5 years ago that I'd also not like anyone to know about!

I'm at breaking point now, but scared to lose a good friend! Loyalty isn't grey, it's black or white and such an important thing to me sad

How do I cut her off without her screaming that I've ditched her for DP, which isn't the case!?

Cherrysoup Sat 14-Jan-17 22:42:44

Just cut her off. She resembles an abusive dp. She is not your friend, she is a horrible person who is deliberately sabotaging your new relationship. She sounds hugely insecure. I would cut her off or go seriously low communication with her. She will not let you have a proper relationship with your dp.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sat 14-Jan-17 22:56:01

She is not your friend.

jemmstar1980 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:08:08

I am sure it is not what you want to hear, but I think you must know deep down she isn't a good friend to you.

The answer is you need to get her out of your life, just become busy and stop responding, so what if she thinks you've ditched her for your new boyfriend. If someone shared my secrets they wouldn't get any explanation from me!

I've been in a similar situation - and I had to work a couple of desks away from the "friend".

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