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Need urgent advice

(13 Posts)
Baileysbug2016 Sun 27-Nov-16 09:19:02

New on here and have never posted, so I hope this is the right place . Desperately need advice. My DD's father lives in the US with his new family, we in London with a new family too. Generally speaking we all get along very well (apart from when he doesn't get his way with something involving DD). He's now requested having DD over for Christmas, this despite having had this conversation in September where I made it clear that it wasn't possible as we are headed to Switzerland for the holidays (already booked). Last night, he claimed his mother is unwell and asked me to reconsider sending DD over for obvious reasons. Apparently she's been unwell for 45+days and is in hospital (first time I have heard this) . Frankly I am somewhat doubtful about the whole story because he has told a few since September in relation to having DD over for this Xmas . We don't have a visitation agreement, there's never been a need for one. However there's the assumption that DD spends the entire 9 weeks of summer holidays there because of summer camp etc (which she does) and he pops in to see her in London as much as possible 4/5 times a month (his work permits this) and has the Feb and May holidays . So my question is whether I am being unreasonable to say no ? We have already arranged our entire Christmas/New years. Everything is booked and everyone is looking forward to seeing all of us in a few weeks, ( I have family in Switzerland and my parents and some nephews and nieces, will be coming down from Germany). Am also having difficulties with his "reason", it just doesn't add up. He speaks to DD almost every other day on FT and has not mentioned his mother being ill for 45 days in hospital . In fact he was in London just 9 days ago and said nothing and he is not a man of few words. So how do I say no politely? Considering that, his mother might actually be in hospital? Also is it sneaky to call his mother? Not to ask her but to see how she's getting on (which will also clarify a few things for me), DD normally calls her about 3 times a month.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell Sun 27-Nov-16 09:23:52

As you're on speaking terms with his mum, call her. If she answers, say how surprised you are to hear her voice as you understood she was in hospital and had been there for over six weeks - you were leaving a voicemail as you'd only just heard and hoped she'd pick it up remotely. Then ask her when she'd been discharged, and express your hopes that your ex is looking after her well.

I smell BS... but at least it is easy for you to check. If he's telling such massive lies, his mum should know too as he's probably telling her lies about you...

Meadows76 Sun 27-Nov-16 09:25:09

How old is your DD? What does she want to do?

DoItTooJulia Sun 27-Nov-16 09:25:43

How old is your daughter? Can she decide?

DollyPlastic Sun 27-Nov-16 09:25:51

How do you say no politely?

No, that doesn't work for us. Thank you.

LIZS Sun 27-Nov-16 09:32:47

How old is Dd? Could she fly to US from CH if it turns out to be true?

INeedNewShoes Sun 27-Nov-16 09:39:49

If your holiday is already planned, booked and paid for then it's unfair of your DD's father to be using the fact his mum is ill to disrupt those plans (even if it is true!)

Meadows76 Sun 27-Nov-16 09:51:27

it's unfair of your DD's father to be using the fact his mum is ill to disrupt those plans (even if it is true) good god if the child's gran is actually ill it's a bit off to say it's not fair to spoil her holiday plans

Baileysbug2016 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:22:18

DD is 6, 7 early next year . She's never flown alone . He normally flies over to pick her up and on occasions I fly over to bring her back .

Baileysbug2016 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:24:20

Meadows76 DD is 6. I asked her this morning and explained as much as I could . She would rather go to Swiss because we haven't seen my family for a while and she prefers to spend Xmas with me .

INeedNewShoes Sun 27-Nov-16 10:33:40

Meadows - my priority would be the child, not the ill grandmother and if his mum is that ill is the DD's dad not better to be able to concentrate on the grandmother without a young child to consider?

Changing plans relatively last minute to send a young child to be with a very ill grandmother for Christmas could be quite unsettling for the child I would have thought.

Baileysbug2016 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:52:56

So we'll wait for an appropriate time this afternoon and try calling DD's grandma and see how it goes. Thank you all for the suggestions .

Snowflake65 Sun 27-Nov-16 12:10:44

Yes agree the choice should be DDs not your ex.

But a get well call to Grandma is a great idea.

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