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Grandparent issues

(11 Posts)
JonesCat Thu 17-Nov-16 17:20:53

Hi all,
I hope this is an ok place to put this. I'm looking for some advice really.

Sorry if I am vague. I really don't want to be discovered.

I'll start with my side of the family.
I have a DS who is 15 months old. When I told my mother I was pregnant (besides managing to make it all about her) she told me she was going to come and stay with me to 'help and bond with the baby' (hubby and I live in another country). Now, I know I should have never allowed this if I had any reservations but a) I felt a huge amount of guilt- her first grandchild; and b) my mum frequently makes promises then breaks them. I didn't think she'd come.
Fast forward and she actually comes to stay. Not only did she not help but she actually did nothing for herself while here, treating me like a maid/cook. She did get to bond with my DS but after she left and the new baby fog had lifted I realised that while she was here she made 3 Facebook posts about DS and 30 about herself and sightseeing (we did a lot of that while here).
Since she left she has been utterly uninterested in my son. It's been over a year and she has messaged me once to ask how he is and routinely ignores my emails/phone calls to her.

Now DH family.
They live a 5min drive away and at first were a big feature in my DS life. I don't want to get into too much detail because of anonymity but they caused a bit of a row and although DH and I thought nothing of it (they are quite argumentative people) they have dropped contact and haven't seen DS in over 5 months. DH and I sort of heard through 'the grapevine' that they were badmouthing us so we haven't felt confortable making contact.

I don't know what/if anything to do.
I feel I can't make my mother interested in her GS but I also wonder how DS will feel growing up knowing that he has a GM who doesn't really bother with him.
Same with DH side. We have nothing to apologise for but at the same time when his parents fall out with family it tends to be for years. I can't make them want contact with us but again wonder about the future.

On the bright side my dad and step mum Skype my son weekly and adore him.

Sorry for the long post. I just seem to dwell on this a lot. It hurts that two sets of grandparents seem to have no interest.

Advice and comments welcome.

JontyDoggle37 Thu 17-Nov-16 17:26:15

Just focus on the grandparents he's got who do love him and are interested - your dad and step mum. He won't know any different - I only grew up with one set of grandparents because the others died before I was born, I never missed the ones I didn't have because I didn't know any different. It's probably harder for you because you see the relationship he could have.

JonesCat Thu 17-Nov-16 17:37:45

Hi JontyDongle37,
Thanks for the reply. I have considered this and am very much focusing on the interested grandparents. I just think that not having a set of grandparents is different to having ones that have no interest in you.
I should mention that my mum has step grandchildren and while I don't know how much interest she takes in them I do know that she sees them. My inlaws have other grandchildren as well who they see almost daily.

brassbrass Thu 17-Nov-16 17:37:50

just invest in the people who are interested in you and your DS. Forget about the rest they will never change and you will break your heart trying.

JonesCat Thu 17-Nov-16 19:40:43

Thanks brassbrass I am trying to forget about them. I guess I get quite angry/sad about it and dwell on it more than I should.

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 18-Nov-16 17:56:19

My DH's mum is interested in his brother's kids but not ours. Unusually ours are older and I often see on here people being interested in either thrir daughter's kids or the older ie. First grandkids. Her loss! It took me quite a while to realise that. Ours have a better relationship with their grandparents who live in the USA 3000 miles away

AcrossthePond55 Fri 18-Nov-16 19:26:43

Focus on your dad and stepmum and nurture that relationship. Let your mother and DH's parents fade away. Keep any frustrations to yourself. Remember that your DS will take his cues from you.

JonesMalone Fri 18-Nov-16 20:19:46

Thanks guys.
Across the pond, you make a good point about DS possibly picking up on things. I wouldn't want that to happen.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 18-Nov-16 21:39:28

Glad to help.

I'm another who grew up with one set of grandparents (paternal grandparents were dead) and I never gave it a thought. Of course I knew that other children had two sets but I never considered it in relationship to my having one set, if that makes sense. It was rather like someone having a different eye colour. Something that just 'was'.

I think DS will be fine. He's loved by those who matter.

user1489601978 Mon 20-Mar-17 00:12:31


First time posting so please be kind smile

plainjanine Thu 23-Mar-17 13:39:16

Kids soon learn who is actually interested in them and who isn't, so even if you tried to rebuild the bonds between your DC and the inlaws or your mother, it would soon fail. Just spend your time and effort on the non-toxic people in your lives.

It sounds like your mother and the in-laws aren't going to be the sorts of influence you're going to want your child to have, anyway.

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