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Sex talk between two 8 year olds at school, advice, opinions please

(33 Posts)
fixuplooksharp Fri 04-Nov-16 12:00:00

AIBU to be cross about this whole situation......
My DS who is a fairly innocent 8 year old came home from school and mentioned sex, I asked him how he knew about that and he said, 'x at school told me she has sex, someone put their private parts into her private parts'
X is also an 8 year old.
Obviously this led to a discussion with DS about 'private parts' and how they are private and no one should see or touch etc etc, I explained how children do not have sex and tried to make the conversation as appropriate as possible but also making it very clear about boundries etc
It was troubling me so I spoke to his teacher the next day (who is deputy head) she appeared to be concerned about it and said she would deal with it. I asked for DS not to be named etc as he was worried about loosing a friendship with X .
When I collected him from school he told me he had had to go to the Heads office and explain the conversation to her, they asked him if it had upset him etc, then X was later on made to apologise and he said sorry to her too. (I'm not sure why he did)
So this annoyed me, a lot, I feel that the school should have called me and I should have been given the option to be present when they spoke to DS about it, as it's such a delicate subject???
This morning the deputy head came to talk to me in the playground and explained what had happened with the discussions, she said the reason X had said this was because my DS was asking her to be his girlfriend, so she made up the story about already having a boyfriend and told him they had sex, in the words above.
The teacher then said that she was happy to leave it there and the children were both happy and friends.
Right so........firstly, is it not wrong for X to know that much information at 8 and talk about it in that way?
Should they not be looking into it a bit more?
Also, forgot to mention, X's Mum is a TA at the school,
And to use my DS asking X to be his girlfriend as a justification for that conversation then happening, and the teachers to just accept it, hardly the same bloody thing, at that age many of the boys and girls talk about having girlfriends etc and 'breaking up' smile
AIBU??? Or right to be more than a bit niggled by the whole thing?
Sorry this is very long!!!

IneedAdinosaurNickname Fri 04-Nov-16 12:03:19

My ds knew that information at that age. Although he also knows the proper names and not 'private parts'. He also knew that it was something only grown ups do so wouldn't mention it in that context.

The rest of it is all a bit odd though. It makes me feel uncomfortable

itsbetterthanabox Fri 04-Nov-16 12:06:19

The only worrying part here is her saying she's had sex. But if they have investigated and are certain this isn't true and she is not being abused then there is no issue.
I think the little girl needs to be talked to further by the teachers and parents about why she said she had sex and if she understand what that means and why she should only be honest about such serious things as she obviously at that age has no idea of the gravity of her words.

FlapsTie Fri 04-Nov-16 12:07:30

This should have triggered child protections proceedings on behalf of the little girl. It seems as though they have 'told her off' for this? That's all backwards.

idontlikealdi Fri 04-Nov-16 12:08:50

I would be very worried for the girl.

MrsJayy Fri 04-Nov-16 12:08:58

Oh that was far to complicated than it needed to be HT didn't handle it very well some children are told the facts of life as young as 8 and this is where the conversation has stemmed from . I don't think anything sinister is going on just X has been told that people who are together have sex and not processed the info property I'm not sure what I would do say to your son that it's for grown ups not children and not to worry keep an ear open though

fixuplooksharp Fri 04-Nov-16 12:10:34

Yes I agree with you all.
I think it definitely should have triggered something, just to ensure proper checks have been done to ensure her well being etc.
Because her Mum is a TA at the school it seems to have been dealt with differently as if it had been the other way around I am fairly certain I would have been called into school.

fixuplooksharp Fri 04-Nov-16 12:16:35

I should also add that X did say she sneaks out at night to 'do it'
This I'm assuming is untrue, but an odd thing to say/think about?

MrsJayy Fri 04-Nov-16 12:33:07

Btw I think it was a safeguarding issue I just think school didn't handle it well maybe that's policy though

Chippednailvarnishing Fri 04-Nov-16 12:35:30

Your 8 year old should know in basic terms what sex is.

I'd agree that the school handled a safeguarding issue badly though.

JustHereIGuess Fri 04-Nov-16 12:41:38

OP I don't think that the girl in question is "making it up" she must have seen/heard something, it just doesn't sit right especially "sneaking out at night to do it" I think there is much more to this whole situation.

fixuplooksharp Fri 04-Nov-16 12:46:36

JusthereIguess I totally agree, I think the sneaking out at night is untrue, but I do think the whole story has come from somewhere/something, It doesn't sit right with me at all. I think the school have accepted her story when they asked about it and she said she had made it up to stop my DS asking her to be his Girlfriend.
I can't stop wondering whether they are accepting it just because the Mum works there.

JustHereIGuess Fri 04-Nov-16 12:52:05


I don't think an 8 year old could make something like that up, I've read threads similar to this before where headteachers haven't took the matter as serious as they should, because the child in question parents are "of good character or help in the school"

It's just not good enough, it makes me wonder what is going on within the girls household.

fixuplooksharp Fri 04-Nov-16 12:55:09

You have summed up my thoughts exactly.
If the girl was from a family setting which the school deemed to be problematic or whatever, they would have called social services or the police in the blink of an eye.

OutDamnedWind Fri 04-Nov-16 12:57:12

Bear in mind they won't tell you if it has triggered further investigation.

The apologising seems odd.

BertrandRussell Fri 04-Nov-16 13:00:15

Sorry- I've lost track a bit. Are you concerned about 8 year olds knowing about and talking about sex.?

fixuplooksharp Fri 04-Nov-16 13:02:28

I thought that, they won't tell me, but, the way in which the Deputy addressed it with me this morning was very lighthearted, very fluffy, 'so we'll leave it there, the children are friends and are happy to continue to play together'
That just screams out we're brushing it under the carpet to me?!

fixuplooksharp Fri 04-Nov-16 13:05:02

BertandRussell more the way in which it was being talked about. An 8 year old girl saying she has had sex and sneaks out at night to do it, that is concerning. It is perfectly fair that some parents choose to tell their children about sex at that age, but this seems to me to be a bit different, it wasn't a standard child type chat of 'I know what sex is.....'

lollylou2876 Fri 04-Nov-16 13:05:34

This is why there needs to a duty (in law) on all establishments to report. Unfortunately, it is at the school's discretion, as to whether they report it to ss or the police.

As a csa survivor, I look back in wonder at how certain behaviours i exhibited as a child were ignored. At that age all she will know (if happening) is that she doesn't like it & it doesn't feel right. I wasn't aware of exactly what was happening to me until 9/10. Abuse victims often imitate what's happening in the outer world, as they don't know that it is not a normal behaviour, as the abuser justifies and covers this in the grooming process, all daddies do it/ it's our special secret etc.

I would ring ss or maybe even the police as that comment needs to be investigated further by someone unbiased to the family & situation. The parents may be unaware what's happening if it's another family member. If they have nothing to hide then there's nothing to worry about.

If that was my child saying that, I would ring ss or the police myself just in case.

I think of the parents that stopped me playing with their kids, because of some of the games i used to play & things i would talk about & wonder why they didn't report.

fixuplooksharp Fri 04-Nov-16 13:11:56

lollylou2876 I'm sorry that you have had this happen to you, how awful. Thank you for your input, I respect that and see exactly where you are coming from, in hindsight it isn't the first time this little girl has said inappropriate things.
I really hope it turns out to be innocent and a misuse of what she has 'learnt' about sex.

JustHereIGuess Fri 04-Nov-16 13:16:00

If would take ALOT for me to even think about calling the police or social services.

But in this case I would call social services.

lollylou2876 Fri 04-Nov-16 13:26:06

Thank you 💐 im a happy & healthy individual and have a good life, so all was not lost!

I too, hope & pray, it is a misuse of words and given facts.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Fri 04-Nov-16 13:28:42

I would call social services too. Or at the very least be having an official conversation with the deputy head, and asking about their child protection policy in the context of an 8yo girl disclosing a detailed account of sexual contact with a male.

Heirhelp Fri 04-Nov-16 13:33:27

I second calling ss. If you have a concern you should always call them. They are the professionals who are trained to look t the info you tell them and then decided if this is something you they need to explore or not.

I also think that you start to explain puberty and sexual to your child.

MrsJayy Fri 04-Nov-16 13:48:45

Trying not to speculate but maybe the girl has been watching something on tv something as simple as a soap can see teenagers sneaking out for sex and she has picked up on it. Saying that if you really are not happy with the outcome then take it further you could ring lEA childrens services or equivelant ask to speak to children and young persons safegaurding person and speak to them about it.

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