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How to make this pathological narcissist stop hurting my ds's & me? Advise neede!!

(8 Posts)
Pandamanda3 Wed 26-Oct-16 22:04:48

Ok so asking for some serious advise and clarity from people who may be able to judge from outside the sad box I'm stuck in, as I can't make sense of my situation and i feel powerless to stop it, angry, hurt sad & confused.
Long story short 'just completed a very bitter nasty divorce which took 1 1/2 years & haven't spoken to mil or any of his fam since I had him arrested (dv 😞) & have not seen him since that night nor spoke to him.
Ds's have still maintained contact despite huge issues along the way. He has used ds's as a pawn to attack & hurt me. My eldest hasn't really been seeing a lot of him and as the time has passed it became horribly clear he was trying to avoid contact, but when my son challenged him he said no I'm busy or whatever. I'm not ignoring u.
He's been his father since he was 2 he is now 21, although to him he is firmly his dad.
My youngest is 17 and he has asd, so he's struggled the most Id say to rationalise dads behaviour and understand his own feelings.

Cutting it short ex had my youngest tell his brother that he no longer loves him nor does he want to see him again.
There are so very close so for him to have to try & tell his brother this and then watch his world turn upside down was just unthinkable for them both.
But ds knew of the threats & had seen first hand how horrid his father had been & his words were 'I don't want u anywhere near my brother, I will talk to him!

Exactly what my ex wanted, I can't tell my ds's to not see him as that's always been their choice. but I have discussed openly with the youngest the issues around that so he can explore both sides of the choices he makes.
He I know is frightened of him but seems to have stood his ground with him to now, he told me that if he cuts contact he won't be able to see his dgf who is dying as his dd will stop him.

So he's stuck God Luv him, his dgm keeps asking him 'how's your brother I miss him?
So I doubt she knows, the truth.but it's causing him anxiety as dads often sat there staring at him.

He's acted so appallingly through out he's constantly threatening me via boys, he's big on steroids and I doubt he's in control of himself which scares me.
He made big threats to my son on his 21st & ruined his day (played another shit trick -long story)
Anyway at my wits end so solicitor sends a letter to say anymore threats & we will serve you an injunction, so his reason for abandoning my eldest is because I threatened an injunction & he's feels he's too on my side.
But I feared for his safety after his threats so why ex can't understand if he lights a fire then people will worry about getting burnt / I do not know.
I can't get it out my mind, everytime I look at my ds's I feel an ache in my heart for them, why I married this man I do not know, why didn't I see etc etc...
Have considered writing to mil to explain, at least her GS can't come to see her & why. So she doesn't think he doesn't care.
Is this a good idea?

When his gf passes he can't even go to say goodbye either which is awful as they were close.
I want to show ex-dh how bad his behaviour is & make him stop and move on, but how???
And God forgive me but I want him to feel the pain he's caused & is causing us.

I was really close to mil but I guess he's told her aload of none sence because she hasn't bothered to contact me at all.
So I don't know if writing is pointless?
If you were me how would you make him see & stop?
Sorry it's long, grateful for any ideas & or advise.

Ok so asking for some serious advise and clarity from people who may be able to judge from outside the sad box I'm stuck in, as I can't make sense of my situation and i feel powerless to stop it, angry, hurt sad & confused.
Long story short 'just completed a very bitter nasty divorce which took 1 1/2 years & haven't spoken to mil or any of his fam since I had him arrested (dv 😞) & have not seen him since that night nor spoke to him.
Ds's have still maintained contact despite huge issues along the way. He has used ds's as a pawn to attack & hurt me. My eldest hasn't really been seeing a lot of him and as the time has passed it became horribly clear he was trying to avoid contact, but when my son challenged him he said no I'm busy or whatever. I'm not ignoring u.
He's been his father since he was 2 he is now 21, although to him he is firmly his dad.
My youngest is 17 and he has asd, so he's struggled the most Id say to rationalise dads behaviour and understand his own feelings.

Cutting it short ex had my youngest tell his brother that he no longer loves him nor does he want to see him again.
There are so very close so for him to have to try & tell his brother this and then watch his world turn upside down was just unthinkable for them both.
But ds knew of the threats & had seen first hand how horrid his father had been & his words were 'I don't want u anywhere near my brother, I will talk to him!

Exactly what my ex wanted, I can't tell my ds's to not see him as that's always been their choice. but I have discussed openly with the youngest the issues around that so he can explore both sides of the choices he makes.
He I know is frightened of him but seems to have stood his ground with him to now, he told me that if he cuts contact he won't be able to see his dgf who is dying as his dd will stop him.

So he's stuck God Luv him, his dgm keeps asking him 'how's your brother I miss him?
So I doubt she knows, the truth.but it's causing him anxiety as dads often sat there staring at him.

He's acted so appallingly through out he's constantly threatening me via boys, he's big on steroids and I doubt he's in control of himself which scares me.
He made big threats to my son on his 21st & ruined his day (played another shit trick -long story)
Anyway at my wits end so solicitor sends a letter to say anymore threats & we will serve you an injunction, so his reason for abandoning my eldest is because I threatened an injunction & he's feels he's too on my side.
But I feared for his safety after his threats so why ex can't understand if he lights a fire then people will worry about getting burnt / I do not know.
I can't get it out my mind, everytime I look at my ds's I feel an ache in my heart for them, why I married this man I do not know, why didn't I see etc etc...
Have considered writing to mil to explain, at least her GS can't come to see her & why. So she doesn't think he doesn't care.
Is this a good idea?

When his gf passes he can't even go to say goodbye either which is awful as they were close.
I want to show ex-dh how bad his behaviour is & make him stop and move on, but how???
And God forgive me but I want him to feel the pain he's caused & is causing us.

I was really close to mil but I guess he's told her aload of none sence because she hasn't bothered to contact me at all.
So I don't know if


Ok so asking for some serious advise and clarity from people who may be able to judge from outside the sad box I'm stuck in, as I can't make sense of my situation and i feel powerless to stop it, angry, hurt sad & confused. ( still fairly new to MN so appol's for length)

Long story short 'just completed a very bitter nasty divorce which took 1 1/2 years & haven't spoken to mil or any of his fam since I had him arrested (dv 😞) & have not seen him since that night nor spoke to him.
Ds's have still maintained contact despite huge issues along the way. He has used ds's as a pawn to attack & hurt me. My eldest hasn't really been seeing a lot of him and as the time has passed it became horribly clear he was trying to avoid contact, but when my son challenged him he said no I'm busy or whatever. I'm not ignoring u.
He's been his father since he was 2 he is now 21, although to him he is firmly his dad.
My youngest is 17 and he has asd, so he's struggled the most Id say to rationalise dads behaviour and understand his own feelings.

Cutting it short ex had my youngest tell his brother that he no longer loves him nor does he want to see him again.
There are so very close so for him to have to try & tell his brother this and then watch his world turn upside down was just unthinkable for them both.
But ds knew of the threats & had seen first hand how horrid his father had been & his words were 'I don't want u anywhere near my brother, I will talk to him!

Exactly what my ex wanted, I can't tell my ds's to not see him as that's always been their choice. but I have discussed openly with the youngest the issues around that so he can explore both sides of the choices he makes.
He I know is frightened of him but seems to have stood his ground with him to now, he told me that if he cuts contact he won't be able to see his dgf who is dying as his dd will stop him.

So he's stuck God Luv him, his dgm keeps asking him 'how's your brother I miss him?
So I doubt she knows, the truth.but it's causing him anxiety as dads often sat there staring at him.

He's acted so appallingly through out he's constantly threatening me via boys, he's big on steroids and I doubt he's in control of himself which scares me.
He made big threats to my son on his 21st & ruined his day (played another shit trick -long story)
Anyway at my wits end so solicitor sends a letter to say anymore threats & we will serve you an injunction, so his reason for abandoning my eldest is because I threatened an injunction & he's feels he's too on my side.
But I feared for his safety after his threats so why ex can't understand if he lights a fire then people will worry about getting burnt / I do not know.
I can't get it out my mind, everytime I look at my ds's I feel an ache in my heart for them, why I married this man I do not know, why didn't I see etc etc...
Have considered writing to mil to explain, at least her GS can't come to see her & why. So she doesn't think he doesn't care.
Is this a good idea?

When his gf passes he can't even go to say goodbye either which is awful as they were close.
I want to show ex-dh how bad his behaviour is & make him stop and move on, but how???
And God forgive me but I want him to feel the pain he's caused & is causing us.

I was really close to mil but I guess he's told her aload of none sence because she hasn't bothered to contact me at all.
So I don't know if writing is pointless?
If you were me how would you make him see & stop?
Sorry it's long, grateful for any ideas & or advise.

Pandamanda3 Wed 26-Oct-16 22:06:33

Oh goodness just seen its repeated sorry still getting used to things 😣

oleoleoleole Wed 26-Oct-16 22:21:09

The simple answer is you can't. He won't change. You have to change your approach. I've been through very similar with my ex. He will continue to punish me for as long as he can (16 yrs and counting). Our DC are now 22 and 24 and still have a relationship with him but know without any doubt they were EA by him and see now the games he plays, they don't tolerate it though!

Dragongirl10 Wed 26-Oct-16 22:41:25

oh op l am so sorry for what you and your Dss have been through he is a monster.

Personally l would write to DGM and say how sorry you are to have lost contact, that the divorce happened because of DV, but your Dss would like to see her independantly of their father as would you.

If she doesn't reply then you have your answer. good luck and stay supportive to your boys.

Pandamanda3 Thu 27-Oct-16 00:22:23

Thank you for replying, oleo I get what you mean, I just don't think I can take much more of his games the torment if you get me? You must be so strong to have put up with it for so long.
Dragon girl; YEH I thought of maybe giving my side of the story explaining what really happened, as Id hate to think he's told her he was all innocent. She knew he had a bad temper as she'd always say to me 'why is he like this? Why does he get so angry? He was never bought up to be like this, she said this over and over and as the years went bye I guess I just thought he's got no patients and lived with it until it got to the point I no longer could. Then discovering his steroid addiction I finally knew why.
I'm just scared of a repa cusion from him, as I don't need to do much and he's off again.

My boys deserve so much better they do they are adorable kind caring and thoughtful. I just can't understand how he can't see what he's doing or that he just doesn't care because truth is you can't care can you to do all this. And this is just the latest believe me.
It's got me upset too that mil hasn't even thought to contact me, she knew me so well and so she knows im sure she does there is more to this than he lets on. If im right I guess blood really is thicker than water after all.

I just want my boys to be happy and no fear reprisals for visiting their gp they have been through too much already.

Maybe I will write the letter & just offer her my side should she wish to hear it but let her know why she hasn't seen dgs.

Thank you again for replying x

Dragongirl10 Thu 27-Oct-16 08:42:01

From what you have just said, l really do think you need to write to her, maybe say you are really scared of him and reprisals, so would she please not discuss the letter with him to help you?

It sounds like you were close and had a good relationship once so you should try to make contact.
In your letter don't dwell on the issue of his nastyness as it is may be very hard for her to hear and you don't want to alienate her, just the cold hard facts of why you broke up and that he is still evil towards you, and can be very unkind to the boys in retaliation.

Express that you miss her and feel very sad she doesn't get to see her lovely GSs, tell her some good things they are doing and what great boys they are. Perhaps she is heartbroken to lose you all too.

I wish you good luck op

Pandamanda3 Thu 27-Oct-16 10:35:51

Morning dragongirl, Iv actually been sat with paper & pen this morning. It's funny how all these past months Iv had so much Id like to say rushing round in my head, but actually sitting to do it I just can't seem to find the words.
Part of me wants her to know but then part of me wants to protect her if that makes sense.
We were together 18 years and my own family weren't close bye so she became like a mum to me. I did everything for her & her husband who's now extreamly poorly and so not only did I loose what I thought was my life partner husband friend I lost my family too.

So YEH maybe I won't focus on the nasty stuff Id rather tell her if she wants to ask me something hear my side she's always welcome but for now her GS is more important and I want her to know he loves her.

Thank you for taking the time to reply it means a lot and has given me a bit of clarity x

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown Thu 27-Oct-16 11:04:00

If you report your post and ask for it to be moved to Relationships topic you will probably get a lot more traffic and advice there. Maybe MNHQ can remove the repeats from your OP too.

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