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Am i being unreasonable? At my wits end

(33 Posts)
Sammieantha86 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:33:57

Hi all just after a little advice really, me and my partner have been together now for 4yrs, for the first 3 years my partner was unable to work due to health issues and other reasons therefore we lived off my income as he was unable to get any benefits as he hadnt paid enough NI conteibutions, anyhow for the last 12 months he has started working and basically earns more in a week than i do in a month. Now all the bills are still come out of my account rent, council tax, water, tv license etc and i was living off tax credits to get me through the month, he was paying for the sky and the food shop -- now the tax credits have stopped because of his earnings therefore i basically work all month just to cover the bills and am left with nothing to get me through the month! I have mentioned this to him and that i am alot down each month and he seems not at all bothered at this situation but as i have 3 children im sure you moms would know that its virtually impossible to get through a month without a little disposable income.

I love him and i hate arguing about money as i am not a materialistic person but at the min im struggling to get this through to him and im at my wits end!

Any advice please comment

RNBrie Mon 17-Oct-16 16:36:58

Why do you love him? He lived off you for three years and now he's working he doesn't want to contribute to keeping the family alive? That's not the sort of man who deserves your love.

Sleepybunny Mon 17-Oct-16 16:37:36

depends really, if you want to change anything you have to be frank and tell him to pay his share.
If the thought of 'arguing' is too much then carry on struggling.

queenofthepirates Mon 17-Oct-16 16:42:09

Is there any reason why you can't pool all of your income into one account and both draw from it? It would seem the sensible situation. Your benefits are affected by how much he earns-it makes sense-so if you is to continue in a relationship with you, he must contribute more into the family pot of money.

Sammieantha86 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:43:33

Ive tried to explain and he says that he will help but it never seems to happen - says i only jave to ask yet when i do i have to justify where the money will be going ? Is it me or is this alone unfair i shouldnt have to account for every penny -- i could understand if i was a big spender but every penny i spend goes into the kids or the home i never have or do anything for myself -- its beginning to.grind me down as he just doesnt seem to get it and why i would like a little money in my purse? Really dont know how much more i can take just doesnt seem at all fair didnt know if it was me being unreasonable?

Meadows76 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:44:07

The word leech springs to mind. He was quite happy to take but suddenly he has money and would see you and kids struggle through a month. I would get rid.

Fishface77 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:47:32

Sponging cock lodging leech.
Put your kids first and dump the fucker.

Sixisthemagicnumber Mon 17-Oct-16 16:49:10

He is using you and has been for the past four years. He should be contributing at least 30% towards all the household bills and the food bill (I didn't say 50% because you have children) but if you are going to be together long term then you should both be paying an amount towards everything proportional to your income.
I personally would kick him out if he didn't agree to setting up a standing order for the 30% today.

Sammieantha86 Mon 17-Oct-16 16:53:13

One of the children is his daughter tho the other two are from previous relationship? Like i say he must earn 3k a month or round about and i pick uo a max of 650 pound yet all the big bills come out of mine i am literally left with nothing?

Sixisthemagicnumber Mon 17-Oct-16 16:57:40

In that case you should both be paying an amount into the household and food costs (and kids clothing and entertainment etc) proportional to your income. It isn't a case of him giving you money. It is a case of him paying his way as any decent man would. Is he happy to see his children and partner go without whilst he keeps wads of earnings to himself?
If he doesnt after to splitting everything based on proportions of your income then kick him out. It doesn't matter if you have children together as he is clearly not providing for his children and is happy not providing. Don't be a doormat for a single day longer.

dowhatnow Mon 17-Oct-16 17:00:29

Well you pooled money when he wasn't earning so it should be pooled now, with equal spending money. How can he justify anything else.
Put your foot down. You have a relationship problem if he can't see that this is the only fair way.

Did you dole out his spending money before when he had none, and did he have to justify where it went? I bet not.

Penhacked Mon 17-Oct-16 17:00:41

You share money!! If not, it's over!

NickiFury Mon 17-Oct-16 17:02:14

"I need you to start making a decent monthly financial contribution to the running of our home, I am over extending myself financially to support us all on my wage when you are earning in one week what I make in a month. It is not feasible for this situation to continue. What do you think is fair?"

I would have an itemised report of all the outgoing a to present him with has I made the above statement.

he sounds like a right wanker

Mishaps Mon 17-Oct-16 17:03:32

We had a joint account from Day 1.

The "arrangement" that you have with your OH is not acceptable and needs to be changed pdq.

Sammieantha86 Mon 17-Oct-16 17:03:37

When he wasnt working he had my bank card 90% of the time just feel like im havung to beg and working for nothing i only want to be left some of my wages and its like its stressing him out me even asking? It uosets me because hes making out im being greedy and im not i work damned hard and think it woukd be nice just to see some of my wages?

emotionsecho Mon 17-Oct-16 17:07:50

This set up is completely unfair, I'm surmising the twat is doing the "I'm not paying for someone else's children" routine.

One of those children is his, what's his excuse there?

He (and his child) benefit from a roof over his head, heat, light, water - all the costs associated with having a safe, warm, secure place to live.

He absolutely should contribute to all those things and it should be in proportion to the whole outgoings and incomings of the household, you should both be left with roughly the same after everything has been paid (possibly less in your case due to the two children from a previous relationship - is the father of these children paying towards their upkeep?).

No, you should not have to beg for money or justify every penny to him - did you make him do the same when you supported him?

You need to sit down and have an objective discussion with him, if he won't move on this you would be better off on your own and making sure he contributes properly to the cost of raising his child.

Sixisthemagicnumber Mon 17-Oct-16 17:13:30

And don't forget that you would be financially better off without him under the current circumstances because you would be entitled to tax credits and he would have to pay maintenance for the child that is his. Please, please don't continue letting him take the piss like he currently is.

dowhatnow Mon 17-Oct-16 17:15:41

He had your card 90% of the time? So he was controlling even then.

Oh op, let's look beyond the finances. Does he dictate what you do together? Who makes all the decisions? Is he respectful of you and keen to make you happy?

Sammieantha86 Mon 17-Oct-16 17:25:07

I have thought in the past slightly controlling and if thats what it boils down to and no its nor ally me who arranges us doing anything together otherwise hes quite happy in the house doing nothing

Sammieantha86 Mon 17-Oct-16 17:26:05

He makes all the decisions as such or disregards mine -- theyre always wrong i cant do anything right not even wash up lol

dowhatnow Mon 17-Oct-16 17:49:41

No, not lol. This isn't a healthy relationship. The money is only the tip of the iceberg. I just knew what you would say in answer to my previous questions. Please repost in relationships where there will be a lot of support for you.

Fishface77 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:22:24


HorridHenrietta2 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:33:40

So if you left him, you'd have your tax credits back, one less mouth to feed and whatever you could claim off him for child support?
So you'd be financially better off?
You need to start thinking about whether you have a good enough reason to stay!

Sammieantha86 Mon 17-Oct-16 18:38:56

Id be alot better off and not dictated to how and wat i spend it on -- spose it is beginning to look that way shame it has come to this really as we have been through alot worse but i dont like this greed im beginning to see in him the ironic thing is he thinks its me being the greedy one?

dowhatnow Mon 17-Oct-16 18:42:54

Is it greed or control or both? I don't think you realise the other apects of your relationship are as bad, if not worse, than the money thing. Please repost in relationships if only to help you create good boundaries in your next relationship. You are likely to get into another similar relationship if you don't have, or know what are, healthy boundaries.

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