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Starting a family?? Please advise!

(10 Posts)
Eviecat83 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:27:21

I'm sorry I know this has probably been done to death but I just really wanted to speak to someone about the way I'm feeling and I don't feel comfortable discussing it with people I know.

At the moment I feel so conflicted and I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

I'm 35, no children yet, but would like to have a family and of course I'm aware at 35 I need to get a move on!

I have a good job which I enjoy and I've qualified in and it's taken a long time to get to this point in my career where I am qualified and financially stable.

In my past I hopped around different jobs, got in lots of debt, moved out then back with parents and it took a long time and a lot of effort to break out of that cycle and get out of debt. Now I'm finally at a point where I feel proud of what I've achieved, I feel secure because I'm not in debt and I can afford to save each month instead of drowning in debt and overdrafts.

I guess my unstable financial past is the reason I'm so fearful now. What if I have a baby and then we end up struggling financially? What if forever I'm back to that old lifestyle where I was skint all the time and living to the last penny and beyond.

My partner works, though I earn 5k more than him.

Sorry I know this is long, I suppose because I've kept it all bottled up until now, it's all just spilling out to you all now!

Main worries:
- mat leave. I would only get 6weeks pay at 90% then smp afterwards. I would be losing 2/3 of my monthly income!

- after mat leave. Childcare costs at 35 per day equal 700 per month! I don't have 700 left over each month!

- ongoing costs. How expensive is being a parent? Will I struggle and go back to that old life?

Anyone that has been through this please can you advise me honestly? I don't want to decide against it out of fear and then regret it but at the same time I don't want to decide to go for it and jeapordise my entire financial future.

Be kind- I'm having a miserable time...

DamnGood314 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:30:49

This takes me back.

Do you feel properly supported by your partner? I had all of these worries too and I think the basic crux of it was that I knew deep down I was on my own.

He was there, but I couldn't count on him not to screw me when we split

Still, having a baby does have a narrow window and all the rest of it can be sorted out later.

I think that's what gave me the push.

DamnGood314 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:32:07

ps, how supportive is he to having a child now? is he a later later maybe next year merchant?

Gazelda Tue 06-Sep-16 13:33:14

I don't think anyone would start a family if they waited until they could see a financially stable future!

I've seen people recommend living for 12 months as though you were on mat leave. You'll see if it's doable and build a pot of savings at the same time.

There are cheaper childcare options than nursery, and you can often pay with childcare vouchers through your salary, giving you a tax reduction.

Babies don't need everything new, second hand can be lovely.

What does your DP think?

Eviecat83 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:36:41

Damngood314 i do fully trust my partner and I think he will support me as much as he is able to but i do worry about the financial side of it all. I think part of it is the worry of losing what I have worked so hard to build up, the momentum in my career, the stability financially etc. I guess if I'd never been in such a money mess in the past then it wouldn't worry me as much but having been there and experienced it, I never want to go back there!

Good point about the narrow window though and everything else can be sorted later.

Us women don't half have difficult choices in life don't we!

Eviecat83 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:37:30

No he really wants to be a dad asap. I would wait another year of age was on my side. But unfortunately it's not!

NapQueen Tue 06-Sep-16 13:40:52

Remember the 700pcm childcare isn't solely your bill OP. Your DP should realise it's a household expense.

You are saving every month so could you use the savings to see you through mat leave?

Alternatively if dp has a better paternity deal (maybe his work pay him additi9nal pay) he could take some of the leave.

Eviecat83 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:42:21

Gazelda, thanks for your post. I think you're right- there's probably never an ideal time when money is plentiful and there's nothing else to pay for. DP really wants to be a dad, he's been asking me for a couple of years and before I've not been ready for that. Now in my head I think I am but I wish it was easier financially.

How much difference do the childcare vouchers make? Do they save you a lot?

I always look at other people who have babies or are pregnant and wonder how they do it, are they as worried by it all as me? Or are their partners super wealthy!

Eviecat83 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:47:01

Nap queen (great name btw!) yes we're trying to save as much as we can, but i wish I had have started saving sooner now.

If any of you are parents, how have you found it? Did you have the same worries or not?

NapQueen Tue 06-Sep-16 15:51:09

Have you looked at whether you would be eligible for tax credits? Dh and I both work and we get 50% of our childcare rebated as we are low income.

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