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How do you share Christmas etc?

(23 Posts)
user1472583936 Tue 30-Aug-16 20:35:24

Since myself and OH have been together we've done Christmas at his parents house with his cousins, aunt, uncle, sister, BIL, their three children and his grandparents. Christmas was my Dad's thing and since he passed away there was only mum and I left and we found the whole thing upsetting. Anyways, since my DD was born we had her first Christmas with my mum at his family's house. It wasn't great for mum, tbh. She didn't enjoy it at all. The children were just so naughty and acting up (as usual) and no one really had anything to say to her or made much of an effort. It was all inside jokes etc. This Christmas is Mum's first Christmas with her partner of over a year and a half and since this is daughter's second Christmas, Mum has this new vigour for it. She asked us if we could have a Christmas dinner with her. I had to say no because my OH's mother would have a breakdown but I said maybe next year (giving OH's mother a whole year to get over it). It breaks my heart to think of Mum having no family for Christmas though. I said to DH that maybe we could split all holidays up between families. He said it would really upset his Mum and wasn't for it. She has every holiday - Christmas, New Years, Easter and two family-Christmas get together that we have to attend even though he doesn't get on with all but four of his extended family. Last Easter, I said I would love to have an Easter meal with my Mum but a week before Easter, was informed we can't because his Mum ALWAYS does Easter dinner. I don't get on with his family much since my DD has been born and I resent this idea that DD and I are merely meant to fit into his family and traditions. I thought getting engaged and having a baby meant we were making our own family hmm . Just want to know how do you all split your Christmases? Trying to come up with a resolution here.

agapanthii Tue 30-Aug-16 20:44:40

Usually we stay at home. Sometimes we invite relatives to join us. Sometimes we get invited to go to them. But mainly, there is NO RULE we have to live by. We decide what suits us at the time and we've been careful to never get into any pattern of always or even alternate. Take control!

LaBelleVie Tue 30-Aug-16 21:05:27

Would love to stay at home but we'd have to invite everyone and we have neither the room or the want. I'm trying to take back control but they seem to think I'm being spiteful. OH's mother is the master of guilt trips also.

northernmonkey1010 Mon 19-Sep-16 23:52:03

Your OH needs to grow a pair and put your mum first for once!

TinklyLittleLaugh Tue 20-Sep-16 00:08:33

We stay at home for Christmas. DH's family (and assorted random friends) come to us.

We tried going to my Mum's once when the kids were small and it was a disaster, my sister is the golden child and her children the golden grandchildren. On Christmas morning my parents actually left my kids in the middle of their present opening to go to my sister's house and watch the golden grandchildren open their presents. We were left wondering why we'd bothered to drive for five hours with a car load of kids and presents, just to sit there on our own.

I invited my family to ours the following year and was told that they liked Christmas in their own house. Well so do we, so if you won't put yourself out why should we.

So yeah, we stay at home and are welcoming to all comers. The older DCs are now young adults in relationships but as yet will not contemplate Christmassing elsewhere. I imagine there might be a few squabbles ahead.

MistressMerryWeather Tue 20-Sep-16 00:40:27

We have Christmas breakfast with my IL's. They come to ours for bucks fizz yummy food and peasants. We used to go to them but after DS2 was born it made more sense for them to come here - Plus they like that Christmas morning excitement with the kids.

It's just my parents by themselves on Christmas day (in-laws have a huge family and lots of invites) so we go to theirs for lunch. It may sound unfair to DH but he loves my dads Christmas lunch, mainly the roast potatoes which my dad makes a big fuss about for him. grin

We stay there until the kids get sleepy then head home, get them to bed and snuggle up watching movies, drinking wine and munching all the leftovers we have been sent home with.

I appreciate this only works because we all live within 15 minutes from each other.

In your situation, I would not hesitate about going to your mums. She has had every holiday and needs to suck it up.

Can she come for breakfast/you go to hers as a compromise?

MistressMerryWeather Tue 20-Sep-16 00:43:02

Presents not peasants. hmm

We give the peasants out on new years. grin

MistressMerryWeather Tue 20-Sep-16 00:45:53

Your MIL has had every holiday.

Jesus, too much vino I think.

<hic>

Sosidges Tue 20-Sep-16 01:54:58

I think it is really important to stand your ground, we spent years trying to please everyone, but when we finally put our foot down, surprisingly after a few complaints we got to do things our way.

I have 3 adult children and have always told them they are to do their own thing around these holidays. Parents who insist on doing things 'their' way are very selfish in my opinion.

wayway13 Tue 20-Sep-16 02:05:48

This makes me irrationally angry. Your poor mum! Your mil is selfish and your dh is spineless. Take it in turns. It's your mum's turn fgs.

Jimbob1 Sat 24-Sep-16 09:12:41

I would be making a stand. It is unfair on your mum +(and you) to miss out because his mum cannot accept change.

We spend xmas day at home and go to my parents boxing day.
I would love to spend it with my parents but they live an hour away and have alot of people round. I want my children to be at home with their toys not in a car for 2 hours so we stay at home and go see them boxing day.
In-laws are not really bothered about xmas but sometimes come for xmas dinner.

TheBouquets Tue 11-Oct-16 18:24:26

I am of the opinion that it just can not be fair to always go to the one set of parents for every holiday. The OH family sound so demanding and over bearing that I would run a mile. A lot does depend on where everyone lives in comparison to the others. I have done two Christmas dinners with the obvious result!! Yuck. You should not be so over ruled by the OH either.
It is for reasons like this I dread Christmas.

AmberEars Tue 11-Oct-16 18:30:15

Of course you should spend it with your mum this year!

We alternate between my parents and DH's parents (plus various other family members etc).

You need to stand up to your DH and MIL over this.

ladymariner Sun 30-Oct-16 22:36:25

Can't believe you're even asking.....your oh is the twat unreasonable one here. Fgs, stand up to him and tell hm you and dd are going to your mums, it's up to him whether he joins you or not. Why should your mum miss out every time, that's so unfair. And I speak as the mother of a son....I'd be gutted if I was left out like this, special times should be shared equally.

SheepyFun Sun 30-Oct-16 22:47:17

Our first Christmas living together (we were married, this may have helped others see us as a permanent unit) we said we were going to stay at home for Christmas itself, though we would see other families over the Christmas period. Conveniently this is what my family did growing up (despite living only 5 miles from GP), so they couldn't object. Our families are several hours drive away, so not easy day trips (especially not my parents). The reason we did this was that I didn't want to impose my family's traditions on DH (let alone the later DC), and not being together for Christmas day itself takes the heat out of different ways of doing things. That boat might have sailed for you though, OP...

WiltingTulip Sun 30-Oct-16 22:59:53

I'd go to your mum's this year. I think there's plenty of notice, I'd tell your dmil like it was a done deal and not show any weakness. Or get dh to tell her but make sure he'll not back down.

nicenewdusters Sun 30-Oct-16 23:01:08

You spent last year with OH's family, this year you can spend it with your mum. It really is that simple. Honest. But apparently your OH's mum will have a breakdown. Oh well, at least you won't be there to see it. Really? What's she going to do? Douse herself in sherry and set light to herself on top of the Christmas pudding? Childish, manipulative bollocks. You tell DH you're going to your mums, he tells his mum. His mum, her pretend breakdown, his problem.

I was manipulated into this nonsense for several years. I'm still ashamed it took me so long to put things right. I can never have those occasions back with my family.

MoreGilmoreGirls Sun 30-Oct-16 23:03:49

Since having our first DS who's now 3 we've stayed at home and had both sets of parents to us. Now we have another DS so this year staying at home just us and will visit parents after Christmas. Don't let your MIL rule every holiday, it's time to put your foot down!

HeCantBeSerious Sun 30-Oct-16 23:06:35

Our families live abroad and across the U.K., and some work in the emergency services so we've had years of practice. Basically, we do nothing on Xmas day. We visit DH's family and have a meal at some point in December (usually) and another with my family (can be anytime from November to February depending on where everyone is and working patterns).

Have done this for the best part of 15 years and it works brilliantly. Now we have kids it makes it easier all round. Highly recommend it.

You should spend Christmas with your mum. Your OH sounds like a twat.

We do Christmas at our own place. If people want to see us over Christmas, they can travel. Both sets of parents can drive and BIL and SIL don't have kids and can drive. We're not dragging DD around at Christmas.

rollonthesummer Sun 30-Oct-16 23:16:18

How does he justify that you spend ecru significant holiday with his family every year but you don't see your mum??

I would be taking my kids to my mums and he could piss off

FantasticMrsFoxx Tue 01-Nov-16 20:53:21

My DD is 1.8 and we had Xmas and NY with MIL last year (her Bday is 2nd Jan) and will again this year BUT we are visiting my sister inbetween and we spent / will spend a week with my parents over the summer. DH's mum is 10 years older than my parents so he worries about her not having the same opportunity for her to see DD grow up as my DP and TBH the arrangement suits me.

wobblywonderwoman Tue 01-Nov-16 20:58:14

No way would I go to his as you have gone every year. Also your mum gas been through enough and is more deserving - your dh is being selfish as is his mother - totally

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