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Marry an abusive man for security?

(33 Posts)
AllCharlotte Fri 26-Aug-16 18:55:34

Here's a dilemma for you.

You have an abusive partner. Emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive with the odd slap.

You have 2 children together and you are a SAHM. He is a high earner and owns your house. You are not on the deeds and have no money of your own.

He wants to get married but you know you should leave.

Do you marry him to gain the rights afforded to wives or do you leave and lose everything?

MorrisZapp Fri 26-Aug-16 18:56:52

Leave and gain everything. It isn't a dilemma. Are you expecting anyone to say stay and get married?

AllCharlotte Fri 26-Aug-16 18:57:45

I should have said that the plan is to leave but should you do it before or after you get married?

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf Fri 26-Aug-16 18:58:48

If you are able to leave now then leave. There are no guarantees that you will lose everything simply because you are not married.

goodenoughmum88 Fri 26-Aug-16 18:59:05

Contact womens aid, make a get out plan and leave. Gain back your self respect, your confidence, the respect and trust of your children who will be observing and experiencing the abuse handed to you. You have material stability to loose, that's all, and much more to gain in the long run. (I realise it's not as easy as I put it, but you surely deserve more OP?). X

MorrisZapp Fri 26-Aug-16 19:00:45

Oh right sorry. No, leave before marriage. You can't possibly marry an abuser to get money off him. He will be financially responsible for your kids regardless of marriage, and by splitting up presumably you don't want to stay in a house with him anyway. He'll be much harder to leave after marriage.

feelingdizzy Fri 26-Aug-16 19:02:27

LEAVE voice of experience!

AllCharlotte Fri 26-Aug-16 19:06:29

People on here so often talk about how vulnerable unmarried people are if they stay at home with the children. All else being equal, isn't it better to be married?

somekindofmother Fri 26-Aug-16 19:07:13

if you have lived in the house, contributing by raising his children you'd be entitled to something of it anyway, regardless of marriage. it's whether u could afford to fight him for it I guess. you'd also be entitled to child support, which as I understand it is percentage so if he has a high paid job could be substantial.
you absolutely cannot marry an abuser. no one will say u should.

PotteringAlong Fri 26-Aug-16 19:09:58

But if your partner is abusive then all isn't equal; not by a long way.

ayeokthen Fri 26-Aug-16 19:10:01

Leave leave leave! I married my abuser and he nearly took me for everything that I had worked for!!!! It also gives him more rights too. There is no such thing as "occasional" physical abuse, it may start that way but believe me it won't stay that way. Please please please take your kids and go, now!

AllCharlotte Fri 26-Aug-16 19:47:47

All being equal is a term used in thought experiments.

Situation A: You have 2 children with a man who is abusive. You have no money and no job. You are thinking of leaving.

Situation B: You have 2 children with a man who is abusive. You have no money and no job. You are married to him. You are thinking of leaving.

Objectively speaking, is B a better position than A?

Lweji Fri 26-Aug-16 19:52:48

Leaving is the better option. Sooner rather than later.

He still has to support his children.
And the longer you stay the longer you and your children suffer.

Can you squirrel away some money?

Don't forget that divorces can be expensive and emotionally intense.
A clean break if you're not married is much easier.

Marrying is the best option for people who aren't thinking of leaving.

FathomsDeep Fri 26-Aug-16 19:52:58

Objectively speaking all SAHMs would be in a better position if they were married. You would have a claim on all of his assets even if they were in his name only as well as his pension. You could possibly make a claim for spousal support as well.

But if living wth him is destroying you emotionally and exposing yourself in danger then it's a no brainier isn't it?

NicknameUsed Fri 26-Aug-16 19:57:24

IMO there is nothing to be gained by staying with an abusive partner. End of.

alltouchedout Fri 26-Aug-16 20:00:10

A man who has hit me in the past will hit me in the future and it will get worse. He will probably hit my dc too. They will probably see him hit me. No. I would leave as soon as I safety could. I am not risking my life and my children's lives, and subjecting them to abuse.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 26-Aug-16 20:02:20

The settlement also depends upon the length of time you were married.

The other problem is, say he buys a house, yous break up - but you can't afford the mortgage.

I know someone who did this. She left after only 18 months of marriage but had put up with him for roughly five years before that.

She got a good settlement from him but he always was generous with money whereas some abusive men are the opposite

iminshock Fri 26-Aug-16 20:06:04

Please tell me you are not suggesting to get married under false pretences just so you can get your hands on more of his cash when you leave him ?
That is an utterly underhand and repugnant idea.

Leave now with your integrity intact.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 26-Aug-16 20:12:58

How long will it take to arrange the wedding OP? How long are you planning to stay afterwards (I assume you're not going to leave him the next day)?

Leave now. Do not put yourself, your DC and your friends and family through a sham marriage because you think it will provide you with "security". It won't.

Arfarfanarf Fri 26-Aug-16 20:13:04

An abusive man would do everything he could to make divorce and settlement as difficult as possible.

I have a friend who was married to an abusive man. She says it took YEARS of fighting to get a fair share on paper and he pulled every trick in the book to screw her over.

It took over her life.

He still diddled her. Never paid child support. Did the 'self employed' scam.

Meanwhile she had years of abuse from him after they split because he was angry she left and angry she wanted money.

you have not factored in the reaction of an abusive man to giving half the assets.

Is it worth it? That's the question.

Sometimes you have to give up the material things you feel you're owed because your emotional state and day to day life is more important.

And the big winners are the lawyers who you pay and pay and pay.

Better to walk away than chase the money as some sort of compensation but end up the loser overall.

AllCharlotte Fri 26-Aug-16 20:13:19

I'm not trying to suggest anything.

I'm wondering if given a choice between A or B which would you choose.

museumum Fri 26-Aug-16 20:15:39

How are you going to convince the courts that there was recent abuse if you've just recently married?
And if they don't believe he's abusibe then he will have shared unsupervised custody.
Not worth it.

Arfarfanarf Fri 26-Aug-16 20:18:49

That isnt what you're asking though

If it was a case of you already exist in a and you already exist in b which gives you (in theory) more protection then obviously it's b. The law is clear on marriage and assets.

But you're asking would you go from a to b in the hopes of a financial settlement.

Would you get married is not the same as you are already married v you are not married.

It's a different scenario. It involves moving from one to the other for financial gain, not comparing the financial differences between two existing states.

Alfieisnoisy Fri 26-Aug-16 20:19:34

...and do bear in mind that he could actually kill you before you can leave....married or not.

Get out...get out now.

Contact Women's Aid to make a safe plan for leaving.

Who cares about money and assets when your life and that if your children could be at risk?.

I'd rather be safe and poor.

Treetopchallenger Fri 26-Aug-16 20:23:20

It's depends how bad the abuse is and whether the children are aware/affected. I would go for marriage if it meant short term pain for long term gain.

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