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Should I walk away?

(14 Posts)
user1470999334 Wed 24-Aug-16 01:32:16

Been with OH 11 years, married 3. Have a child.
I'm so upset tonight. It's not the first time. I just dont think he loves me anymore.
Bit of background: I have just found out I have MS. Had a first episode at Christmas but been having problems with running for ages before without realising it was related. I have put some weight on. About a stone in total. Still mostly a size 12. But insecurity has crept in and I have been dressing rather safe and practical. Well, I asked him tonight if he still fancies me. Nothing intimate happened for a while and he doesnt seem bothered. So he told me he'd like me to make more effort. Nothing wrong with that but he makes jokes about me not eating desert/cake/whatever in front of our fam & friends. Cue more insecurity. I tell him to stop, he says its just a joke.
When he's had a few beers, he just gets so cross about the slightest thing. It's like he's super fed up and all this hate comes out.
He hates me mentioning the MS. He goes silent and brushes it off. I think he wants me not to worry until I have looked at treatments but it comes across as if he wants me to snap out of it. 2 years ago I ran 12 miles a week. I know how to snap out of it. I'm not making this illness up!
I'm just so disheartened. Its been going on a while and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm better off without. I suppose I expected things to be different, his love to go a hit further than how I look? Help!!

TendonQueen Wed 24-Aug-16 01:58:31

First off, it's very stressful for the loved ones of someone with a long term condition as well as the person themselves, especially early on. So he's probably struggling as well as you. However, he shouldn't say stuff in front of other people about your weight (do you pull him up on this at the time, also in front of them? If not, then do - don't let it slide) and tbh a size 12 is hardly elephant like especially given your circumstances. I would have a talk with him - not asking if he still fancies you, but more assertively to say what support you need and that you're trying hard but you need support too, which you would give to him if the circumstances were reversed. Has stuff been good before this?

user1470999334 Wed 24-Aug-16 02:10:22

Thanks! That helps.
Stuff has been tough but it's been mostly good, loving which is what I miss so much.
He suffers with anxiety and he suffers a lot because like a typical bloke he tries to ignore it and suck it up.

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 02:47:08

Oh, OP. Sorry about your health flowers

Listen, in a healthy marriage, people don't wonder whether they need to walk away. They love and feel loved - that question isn't on the radar.

Now sometimes people feel they should walk away because of issues or insecurities of their own, and yet they are loved and they need to work on their anxiety or have counselling or whatever to feel more secure.

But often, when someone feels they might need to walk away from a marriage, it's because their instincts are telling them something. And they need to listen.

It's hard to know from your words whether your husband has fallen out of love with you, or is being an abusive dick, or is just really scared. But for what it's worth, when my husband was very ill, the last thing I thought about was how he was looking or his weight - apart from where those things were indicators of how his health was on any particular day. And I was aware of being even more overtly loving than I had been before, because I was so worried about him, and scared for him.

One thing you said worried me a lot.
When he's had a few beers, he just gets so cross about the slightest thing. It's like he's super fed up and all this hate comes out.

This sounds awful. In what way does the hate come out?

user1470999334 Wed 24-Aug-16 07:09:19

Thanks Somerville. He's not abusive. He just gets annoyed about small things and has a go at me about them. Its not nice and I have told him and he apologises.
With regards to being worried I know for a fact he is. But instead of being a big protective shield he sticks his head in the sand. It runs in the family. His bro is the same. It will never change and I dont know if I can live with it especially now that I know I need him to be my rock forever. I might be very ok with the ms. Many people are. But I may not and that scares me

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 10:05:35

I'm glad he's not abusive.

But yes, the way he reacts to worry about you will be key here. Illness is one of those things that widens any cracks in the existing relationship.

Would he come for relationship counselling with you if you asked? To discuss the MS and the changes in your lives and your body because of it in a safe space?

If not and he will really not change than you need to think very starkly about whether this will work for you.

user1470999334 Wed 24-Aug-16 10:59:13

My work have offered to pay for some councelling after my diagnosis so I will take them up on it.
I have talked to him via text this morning (we're both at work). He says he wants to support me but he wants to stay positive and will not entertain any negativity. I get it but I have new symptoms already that he doesnt even know about. I know my body and staying positive is so tough while I'm in this bloody limboland.
He said he was truthful when I asked him about fancying me. He said he wants me to love myself again and wants me to get my mojo back. I want that more than anything!!
I'm just worried about the future. Will he be supportive if I do end up getting worse? I can't do this feeling like a burden. I'd rather cut my losses now. More chatting tonight. I feel drained sad

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 11:07:56

'Not entertain any negativity'
Is a shit thing to say. Especially about something like MS.
You need to be able to be open about your symptoms, yes. But even more so about your thoughts and feelings. And those won't be positive all the time, and when they're negative and you're sad or worried or scared is when you need the most support.

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 11:09:57

Do you have other support to call on? Because j think you should. flowers

amberleyfried Wed 24-Aug-16 11:31:43

I was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago so hugs it's not the nicest. Take some time before you make any major decisions because it does take a while to adjust. It took me over a year to accept the diagnosis but I'm one of the lucky ones and it hasn't really affected me too much - mostly fatigue, and nerve pain and haven't had any major relapses since diagnosis.

In regards to your DP's reaction, I can see some similarities to the way that my DP reacted. He was always trying to think as positively as he could and wouldn't discuss any worst case scenarios. Sometimes it's harder to watch someone who isn't well as toy can't control anything that's happening. He seems to have come around now to some extent but still doesn't like talking about it.

That said, it is not ok to talk about your weight in the way that he has. I would try to explain it to him if you can find the right moment when you are alone and not just after he's said something.

user1470999334 Wed 24-Aug-16 11:41:54

Thanks! "entertain negativity" was my phrase ;)
Amberleyfried, I think our DPs are very similar! My DP has seen a lot of bad stuff. He lost his mum in a car crash when he was 17. His dad died young after suffering for years from a major stroke. He is very anxious and those things are not discussed amongst the five siblings.
I think I will discuss a few things I'm not willing to put up with, ie. comments. Then time will tell how we both cope with coming to terms with it. I only got diagnosed last month so I guess everything is still very raw.

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 12:20:10

That is a very recent diagnosis.

Hopefully when he's absorbed it, he will realise that expecting you to constantly be as happy, positive, active and healthy as before is probably unrealistic. Very few people with a chronic condition would be all those things.

So fair enough to wait and see. By please don't put up with rudeness, disrespect or anger in the meantime. (I know it's easier said than done when you're tired or feeling sad.) Since the worst behaviour seems to have come when he was drinking, would he consider stopping drinking for a while?

He might be worried about MS taking over your whole lives. Which I'm sure you wouldn't want either. With my DH we used to have a set amount of time to talk about all the shit of cancer stuff - generally half an hour, just after getting the kids to bed. And then stop talking about it and just enjoy each other's company and relax.

user1470999334 Wed 24-Aug-16 13:07:45

Somerville, thanks so much for all your comments. You have genuinely helped me get some clarity. He needs to stop the rudeness, drink or not. And we need to find a way to live with this thing. I don't want to talk about it all the time either, I guess right now it's on my mind all the time because it affects so many aspects of my day to day life. I'm in a relapse now so I literally can't forget about it. I like that idea of spending a short time only to talk about stuff and then stopping. I think this is what we need to do. Something like a few basic rules. Good listening from him for that half hour and no moaning from me for the rest of the day.
I think once we sort that out and feel better about it all, the resentfulness that comes out when he's had a few, will also disappear. He is a lovely guy really and we need to find back to each other.

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 14:18:02

I'm glad I helped. Sorry if I was too tough at any point - this subject hits close to home in several ways.

Good luck with your health and relationship. And get good support networks around both of you, and your child.

P.S. If you go onto your account and name change to something more personal you'll get more replies in general on threads smile. There's a lot of support on here and hop it's helpful. flowers

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