I don't know what to do anymore...(4 Posts)
If you read this, please read it with the thought that this took a lot to pull the courage to. If you read the entire post, thank you.
I will not go into my past as that may become a book at a later date and I won’t divulge too much into my present either as that may to be included. I will speak about my current issue(s) whether this will or not be relevant I don’t know but here is the basics…
I’m 26 ( yes I’m young with my whole life ahead of me before you say) , I have 2 daughters ( 2 dads, one of whom adopted my eldest and subsequently isn’t allowed to see his children again after court proceedings). Their “dad “was abusive as far as I will go, it has been 3/4 years since he’s been around they are now 7 (on Saturday) and 4. After he left I was made redundant and then in a supermarket one day every card declined, several weeks later red letters appear. He’d robbed me in my own name, my DRO was in May. I’ve moved out the countryside (in 24 hours so you can imagine how little we took) so he cannot find us but with no job, no money and no credit I’ve been struggling. I had a nervous breakdown several months back I overdosed for 10 days and became a zombie, PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD the whole umbrella overtook me like a tidal wave.
I have a partner of 18 months but he has his 60+ hours a week job, shoddy abusive ex-wife (facial scar to prove), and a daughter (7) who is never allowed around my children so growing as a family is hardly plausible. He’s said he will go to court for the custody to be contracted but I don’t feel it will stop his ex-wife abusing his daughter every time she comes back from time with us. He’s from an alternate life of private schooling and a family business that’s been worked from the ground up. He is an incredible man I cannot fault that, but after my downward spiral I want a man to build a family unit with, a man passionate for it. His daughter has as hectic schedule as he has with ballet, drama, modelling, holidays, brownies, my daughters can hardly compete when they spend most weekends riding their bikes, rolling in dirt, going to church and squabbling. He wanted it when we first met but I guess the girlfriends he’s had have been able to get on a flight to the Caribbean, and understand his work load as they’ve always worked in successful careers ( surgeon for example). Now he’s with a mentally ill single mother on no income.
There are the basics, here is the issue. I’m still recovering from my breakdown and managed to find a job but 4 days later I was fired as I wasn’t needed but damage control is I’ll have a reference. My self-employment is still going through and I blew what money I had on my daughter’s birthday party (the first I’ve hired a proper party), I moved their school for the job to. I can’t help but feel trapped and restricted and frustrated. I’m now stuck cleaning when I can for the houses he builds and around the village which barely covers and isn’t often die to childcare, I just despise having my life stolen from me and paying the price for something I didn’t do, their dad now has his 4th child on the way. And I have this … I can’t spread anything financially it is one account, no overdraft, no credit card. I’ve got 6 weeks holiday to which I won’t even be able to spend as a family with my partner and his daughter. My daughter’s will be going to my mom’s as I just can’t provide the fun and food for that matter plus my mind is in the black. I’ve buried my head with what to do about my self-employment, I can no longer afford my therapist. It’s just a mess and 0 friends out here my partner is my only friend pathetic really but I cannot trust anyone in case her finds me.
You have been through some incredibly difficult circumstances and survived them.
You have managed to move away from your abusive ex.
Your mother is prepared to support you by looking after your daughter in the holidays.
You have a new, successful partner.
Your daughters sound like lots of kids, enjoying bike riding, playing outside (and squabbling!).
You have some part time cleaning work and are in the process of becoming self employed.
Yes, there is still more to do but you have already achieved a lot. Each time you make any steps towards your goals congratulate yourself, you are making progress.
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