I tried to "break up" with a friend but... I am not sure now, please advice(3 Posts)
This is very long... so I apologize but I want to give as much detail as possible.
So I live in a small isolated place, where I have know this person almost since I came here (we are both foreign) and then life went in different ways but about 4-5 years ago we started hanging out a lot, we both have kids. We became good friends.
Now, in one side, I am pretty chilled with people, generally. i can hang out with different crowds in different situations, does not bother me. I like going out, having fun, talk to people. And I was taking antidepressants for PMDD (very severe form of PMS).
In the other hand, (and I don't want to put all blame on her, at all, but is its true and I have been reminded in many occasions) she has been described as a bit of a nightmare by her colleagues. I know she has had a tough upbringing and is extremely insecure. She is lots of debt buying unnecessary stuff to put a front that her life is absolutely fine, for example. She went through a messy breakup and i was there, physically, even when ex came to her house to get some belongings escorted by the police.
We used to go out and have a really good laugh and lots of fun. But, she can very very obnoxious and aggressive when drunk, I just put with it and don't think about it cos I was pretty chilled. But then after the break up she started blatantly lying to me, about how much money she was earning (not that I ever asked) then she lost her job. I have a job that I love but I wouldn't rub it in her face, but if I spoke to other people about it (at parties for example) she'd roll her eyes and looked VERY bored. Same any time I spoke about me, really. She once said awful things about my job when drunk, then two months later she says she is going to train (at Uni, with no money and being a single parent) to be the same as me! she also went on about fostering. Well, all sort f things that made no sense really. And she just belittled me in many other ways. My partner can't stand her, not only for what I told him, but what he has heard professionally also. She has had this behaviors with other people too and once I was asked "how do you manage to go out with her", but we used ot have lots of fun I just ignored the rest.
Now, I was trying to get pregnant and stopped my antidepressants. It is as if a veil came of my face and I suddenly realized that I shouldn't take that crap from her. So I stopped talking to her so much, I though she'd ask me "whats up" and we could talk. I must say in the past I have told her that I don't like the way she sometimes talk to me and she says things like "you should hear yourself!". So, I got pregnant too which made it easier really to kind of "detach myself" as I was feeling very sick, still she texted a few times and I reply, polite but short. But then I had a miscarriage and I got invited to her birthday. I thought not going would be too weird but I did met up with her to tell her about my miscarriage and that way didn't have to mention it at the party. So I told her and immediately she changed subject to all the holidays she had planned (she still had no job at this point). And that's it. i went home. I got several messages like "let me know if you need anything" etc. At the party she made a couple of weird comments to someone else about us being "distanced" right next to me so I could hear. After that I just cooled down even more, and I got pregnant again, which again made close up to most of my social life anyway as I felt awful.
She has also stopped hanging out with common friends.
The strange thing is that she behaves like nothing has happened, she has never asked me why I don't speak to her. To the point that on my birthday she dropped a lovely hamper (at 6.40 in the morning) at my house. I texted her saying it was a lovely surprise and thanks a lot.
When I took in on the stuff in the hamper I felt awful, like at least I have to say something else, but don't know what. I do miss our outings but I don't have that many friends either so I wonder if I miss her or just being out with someone, as my partner can't understand how can I miss her.
I honestly do not know what to do now, I actually feel bad about having cut ties but people that know her think its totally normal that I wouldn't put up with that. I just feel bad.
Also her mum is visiting in August and wants to meet up. Her mum also knows her character as she has had similar issues with her friends back home. But she is a really lovely soft soul and would do anything for her.
I will meet up with her mum, and I bet she will be there too acting as if nothing at all has happened.
Bear in mind this is a tiny place and I will keep seeing her in different social circumstances and we will have still lots of people in common.
So, what would you do? just leave it as it is and carry on, or give the friendship another chance?
Thanks for reading all that!!
You don't need to break up with her entirely, just keep it really casual when you bump into her. The hamper sounded nice but everything else sounds like a complete nightmare.
Well that is how we are now really. But she has asked a few times to meet up. She says her DC wants to see mine, not sure if that is true she uses that a lot.
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