Moving on...(3 Posts)
Hello Mumsnetters. I'm very stressed out and wondered if anybody could offer my any advice? I hope somebody out there can as I don't know where to turn. My husband really doesn't want me talking to my friends about these problems as he feels he would rather keep family matters private which I can understand. This is why I am turning to you all...
My situation is this. I am married to a lovely man who I love very much and we have two young sons of our own, aged 1 and 5. I also have two teenage step daughters that live with us half of the time and they are aged 10 and 18. The youngest step daughter is lovely and we get along brilliantly. But I am so stressed out with my eldest stepdaughter. For the past 8 years (the length of time I have lived with my husband) I have gradually become more and more stressed out by her. Last year I suffered a total nervous breakdown where I was nearly admitted in to hospital. I will be honest here and say the main reason was because of my eldest stepdaughters behaviour and treatment of the people I love. It was terrible and I had to be sedated for about a week. I was shaking uncontrollable and couldn't talk properly. It was awful, truly the worst experience ever, to be unable to look after my own children even. Lately, I can feel I am going that way again. I keep having panic attacks and spent yesterday and this morning sobbing uncontrollably. I keep having thoughts of running away or even ending my life because of the stress she puts us all through (I never would commit suicide as I have too much to live for but I am worried that these thoughts have even been entering my head.) Things are bad.
She has recently been diagnosed with a personality disorder. I am so sorry for offending any one as I know every person with mental health problems or anyone that has been given a certain 'label' is different. But hers manifests itself in the following ways: she dictates the way our household is run, from what people watch on the tv and when, to where people must sit in the car to how things and routines must be organised in the home. I have to mention here that she does have OCD. She is very, very charming and on the surface comes across as the most amiable, tender person you could meet but when you scratch a little way below, there is a lot of anger and venom there. She manipulates just about everybody in to feeling sorry for her, comes across as being very caring and loving and sensitive but unfortunately I can see straight through a lot of it. She is sensitive and emotionally 'deep' where her own feelings are concerned but at times lacks such insight in to her own behaviour and empathy for people, sadly mostly towards her loved ones.
Over the years I have witnessed severe mental and physical bullying aimed towards her little sister. Levels of violence have been actually appalling. My husband's past relationship failed primarily because of problems between the two of them. She has such a nasty side and I find her controlling behaviour unbearable.
My husband knows exactly how I am feeling as I have been brutally honest with him over the years and he realises how difficult she is. He struggles too. But lately I have been feeling so unhappy in my own home and that I want to leave. I have had strange thoughts of climbing in to tiny holes in the wall in order to escape. My sanity is on the brink again. There have been a couple of incidents lately where she has been very cruel to my own two sons, his half-brothers. My husband calls his actions 'thoughtless' but they are more than that: they are so nasty and he really frightened my son at one point. I know that she loves her little brothers dearly but I have noticed that she has a split personality and the horrible side really intimidates me. I feel as though I can't stand up to her because I feel so, so oppressed. I never have been able to nor feel I ever will. I'm just not a confrontational person. I always internalise things in order to keep the peace.
Her relationship with her mother is ok but is not good with her stepfather. He finds her difficult to handle and consequently she often ends up staying more with us.
It is so sad because I love my husband dearly but I can't carry on. I am so stressed out. Yesterday my husband took me to the GP and it was suggested that I have my antidepressants increased in order to help me cope (I was started on citalopram during my nervous breakdown last year) but I don't think it is fair. I feel a bit like a zombie already and I don't feel I should be putting more medications in to me just because of what I am having to live with. I need to get to the root of the problem.
I feel as though I might have lost objectivity though. Even minor things are getting to me (such as when my stepdaughter skives off school or other normal teenagery things.)
I am looking for somewhere else to live. Except I find it so daunting. I have been a stay at home mother for years and have no funds! I just don't know where to turn.
I would really appreciate some objective advice here. I won't be able to reply until everybody is in bed late tonight. Thank you for reading
Even if I don't get any replies, it feels so lovely to have been open about what has been happening in my life these past few years. I am forced to bottle things up to keep peace and I feel so great to just have it out there.
Can't give you much advice, except she might need outside help, you can't go on like this. There is an elephant in the room, what she is doing, is not normal behavior . What is she like at school? Has she got many friends? How is her interaction with other adults ( teachers etc)? If she has a MH issue she needs to adress it sooner rather than later and getprofessional help. Get her GP on board. But seeing that she is 18 she might soon decide she wants to go to uni or move out
It'd be a shame to give up on an otherwise lovely family OP
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