Boyfriend doesn't want any more kids but I do! Help?!(4 Posts)
I seriously don't know what to do, and I'm hoping that talking to some people on here will help me!
I'm in a fairly new relationship (just under a year) with an absolutely amazing guy. He's in his late twenties, I'm in my early twenties. I can honestly say that I've never felt this way about anyone and can easily imagine spending the rest of my life with him. He has an amazing little boy (despite being in the terrible twos stage!) who I absolutely adore and overall we're just perfect for each other in every way.
Except for one; he is absolutely adamant that he doesn't want any more children, and all I have ever wanted is a family. Despite conversations that it's far far too early to be even thinking about these types of things (and I'm not ready to consider having children just yet!) it's already caused a lot of problems that are seemingly impossible to overcome.
His argument is that he has his little boy, he decided when he was born that he didn't want any more, and splitting up with his ex sealed the deal. He's done it and is fulfilled in that department, and doesn't want another child who will take attention away from his son. And basically, he just does not want another. Period. I think it's understandable that I see this as quite selfish, as he already has all the joys of having a child, and yet he is preventing me from experiencing it myself.
Personally I think that it's impossible to make decisions that are this serious and looking so far into the future. I also think that when his son is older he will change his mind (he loves being a dad and is amazing at it, and is 100% dedicated to him). However, he's extremely stubborn and insists that this is a life choice and he will not waiver on it, ever.
Although I genuinely believe that he will change his mind one day, I can't be sure. And since he knows how badly I want my own child/children one day, he's now decided that there's no other option than to break up with me as he knows that I'll never be fully happy without my own children, and he can't be the reason for my misery.
I really really don't want to be in this position. As much as I'm convinced that he will one day change his mind, I can't be 100% sure. But he can no longer see a future for us because of this, even though I still can.
Another thing is that there is a very real possibility that I'm infertile anyway (currently in the process of getting tests done to be sure). If that is the case, I know his little boy will be enough for me. I won't feel the need to go down the adoption or IVF, etc. route as he would be enough to make me happy. But if I can have children, I want to. Is that silly? Should I just be happy to take the gamble and know that his son will be enough for me if I never get the chance myself?
This is a truly horrible thing to have to deal with, as I can't predict what's going to happen either way. He has seemingly made up his mind that there is no future for us, but it's breaking my heart because he's all that I want - but I want a family with him too. I know that I'm young and will probably find someone else to love and start a family with, but I know that I will always wonder whether things would have been different if I'd stayed and gambled (if he'd even get back with me now anyway that is).
Can anyone offer some guidance? Has anyone been in a similar position to this? I really would appreciate any advice that you lovely people have to offer. This is so so hard.
Thank you for reading x
it's not selfish nor stubborn, it is realistic. Not wanting more children is no more selfish than wanting more (assuming you can provide for them).
you're right - there is no compromise. He's being honest with you, and to assume he'll change his mind is, frankly, a bit insulting. Good for him to raise it early on, because if having kids is this important to you (and that's also fair enough) you two have, sadly, no future.
sorry. Very sad but better now than later.
Please take my advice. I was with a man in exactly this position from age 24 to age 40. Leave him. Don't settle.and live an unhappy life . Hold out for what you want. (I lef him at 40.and had a baby at 43 )
You're not perfect for one another. Because he doesn't want any more kids. Time to leave now.
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