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is there ever any point in making an historical rape complaint?(triggering)

(6 Posts)
WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Thu 09-Jun-16 14:00:57

I was raped. I've never written that before. 21 years ago, days after my 16th birthday. I went to a pub with a friend and people I didn't really know, and got drunk. Stupidly drunk. My friend was pissed off with me and had enough, left me to it. Another 'friend', a 28yo security guard of a place we frequented, offered to look after me until I sobered up.

I remember him helping me onto a bus, then falling asleep. I then remember waking as he helped/carried me off the bus, and upstairs into a flat. He showed me to a bedroom, where I fell into a bed, fully clothed, including boots and leather jacket. He helped me out of my jacket and boots, then kissed me. I remember kissing him back, but feeling sick, so I lay down and went to sleep.

I don't know how much later it was, but when I woke, it was dark, and I was naked from the waist down. He was inside me and kissing me. I tried to push him off, I said no, and I told him he was hurting me, but he ignored me. My 8 stone body wasn't equipped to push off his 14 stone weight, so eventually I gave up. I let him finish while I cried silently. How could I protest anyway? I had climbed into his bed, kissed him.

All I could think was "stupid bitch, why did you get drunk? You kissed him back, he is good looking, why are you upset about this, you deserved it".

After he was finished, he got up, pulled on his jeans and asked me if I wanted chicken nuggets. I'll never forget that. I said no, and asked him how I could get home. He gave me £1.40 and told me to get a bus.

I left his flat and went to the main road. I asked a group of girls what bus to get to the city centre and what side of the road to catch it on. They looked at me strangely. But they told me and I made my way to my friend's house. It all happened in about six hours. My life changed in six hours.

When I got to my friend's house, I told her and another friend what had happened to me. They were incredulous, unable to believe that 'george' had done that to me. They tried to ge sympathetic but I could see the blame in their eyes.

It was confirmed a few days later, when I got a call asking me to meet my friend at the local shopping centre. I thought she sounded funny but couldn't place why. When I got there, three girls, friends of 'George' were waiting for me. They dragged me into the public toilets and beat the shit out of me. Punched and kicked me, pulled my hair, spat on me, and scratched my face and arms. Threatened me that if I ever accused George of raping me id have worse to come.

I never did accuse him. I've once come across him on the door of a macdonalds one night, after I'd been at a club, many years after my experience. I turned and ran like hell.

Now, I've managed to live my life. I'm married, with four beautiful dcs, but I've never gotten over what happened to me. My poor DH suffers when I freeze if he touches me a certain way, or doesn't give me forewarning that he's going to approach me. Sometimes I just can't have sex, no matter how much I want to. I have terrible dreams and flashbacks to that time, and cry and shout in my sleep.

I do wish I could have had the courage to report him, but I keep asking, would it have been worth it, or would I have been dragged through the dirt, and made to feel like a drunken slut. God knows I've spent long enough feeling like one myself.

Now, I can't even remember his last name. I'm a grown woman, and the memories he has left me with still have the capability to le and me feeling like the dirty powerless 16yo I was then.

I resent how it's left me, and I often wonder if there would be any point in trying to make a report now, but sadly I doubt it.

Has anyone ever made an historical report? Was it worth it or did it just drag up old hurt for no reason?

MrsHathaway Thu 09-Jun-16 14:24:22

I believe you. You matter; your experiences matter. You will use your experiences to be a great parent and a wonderful human being.

What's the point of reporting? Well, if every assault were reported to police then the scale of the problem would be unavoidable by politicians and other official groups. There's also a chance of a conviction, which ought to remove the rapist from situations in which he can rape anyone else.

However, you are not responsible for the rapes of a rapist, either your own or anyone else's. In practice, reporting one more historical rape won't result in a sea change in policy, or rape culture, or victim blaming. In this case it probably wouldn't lead to a prosecution, let alone a conviction (IANAL mind you).

Do you think it could be cathartic? You could look at other ways of telling your story in a safe, non-judgemental space such as I Believe You before you decide.

Very best wishes.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat Fri 10-Jun-16 00:16:41

Thank you for your reply, MrsHathaway. Partly, just writing it down has been cathartic. I don't know if I'll ever report, but I will certainly look at that link before I make any decisions.

venusinscorpio Fri 10-Jun-16 00:31:32

Yes, a close friend of mine reported her rape 10 years afterwards. The police did take it seriously in her case, but it didn't go anywhere. I was asked to give them a statement as I had moved in with her just afterwards. She did find it cathartic and it brought her a sense of closure. She credits a health problem spontaneously clearing up to this.

CarbeDiem Fri 10-Jun-16 00:39:28

I've often thought about doing so but haven't nor do I really think I ever will.
My family (all except my now adult sons) know about it so it's not really out of fear of having to tell people, although I'd rather not have to tell them about it I obviously would do f I decided to report.
I've always swore though, if I even got so much of a whisper that the bastard had done it to anyone else I'd be straight on the phone to the police.
I don't know, I just can't see much good coming from reporting it now, I'm almost 38 and the bastard abused me from ages 6 to around 13 - I always come back to the fact that I don't believe it would give me any peace or satisfaction - counselling has helped a bit with the peace within myself part. Even IF he was prosecuted, I still don't think I'd feel better tbh, It still has happened and it wouldn't erase my memory...... Arghhhh! every so often, I go around in the same circle sad
Sorry not much help but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in wondering what if..... xx

AristotlesTrousers Sun 12-Jun-16 18:00:23

Hi, Just came across this thread, and wanted to comment as I'm also wondering whether to report a historic sexual assault. I've no advice for you, I'm afraid, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

It's good that your DP knows about what happened. Mine doesn't know (though I'm sure he must suspect), and I expect would like me to forget all about it.

Hugs for you though, and feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

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