Husband Porn addiction(10 Posts)
I am new here and hoping I can be massively cheeky and ask for advice on something that I can't talk about with any of my family and friends. Feel like writing it down and getting it out might help.
Have been married for over three years, with one gorgeous child and, on the surface, a very happy life. However, the thing that I never admit to people is that fairly early on in my relationship I discovered that my now husband had a penchant for some fairly explicit porn. He used to secretly download stuff and I happened upon it one day. Anyway, he has always had issues with impotence (perhaps you are starting to see why I am not brave enough to admit this to my friends) and it started to become pretty clear to me that his erection issues were tied to a long-standing problem with porn. I like to think I am not a prude but when I saw some of the stuff he was looking at it turned my stomach a bit.
Anyway, I was a pretty supportive gf, suggested he go for counselling (which he did, briefly) and I thought things were better. I stupidly thought things were 'fixed'.
Fast forward a couple of years, he asks me to marry him and I say yes. Just before the wedding I discovered that he was still looking at porn, quite often, in the home that we by then shared. There was also another weird trust issue with a girl from his work that he was constantly messaging and lying to me about.
I did have some conflict about whether to go ahead, but again he talked me round and I felt that he was willing to work on things. So we got married and have been mostly very happy except that every so often I discover that he is STILL looking at porn. And every time I have stupidly believed him when he says he is sorry and will stop. He agreed to put measures in place like a content filter on our wifi, I honestly thought/hoped it wasn't a problem any more. I was also busy with a new baby and part of me just thought it was one of those things I might just have to accept and put u with.
This morning I found out yet again that he is looking at vile porn on his phone (I think this is probably the 6th or 7th time I have found out he is still doing it, every other time I have let it go).
So my question is, what should I do? Leave him? Chuck him out? Make some practical suggestions to actually help him?
He is a wonderful Dad and a really great husBand in so many ways but I honestly don't feel like I trust him any more and feel like (as much as I have tried to tell myself it isn't about me) it has totally eroded my confidence and in my post-baby hormonal months I have honestly never fet so ugly in all of my life (this is I think the 3rd time he has 'fallen off the wagon' since our child as born).
I am sitting here crying my eyes out wondering what the hell I do next. This time seems to feel different somehow, I am kidding myself if I think he is just going to stop.
He is now promising he will sell his phone and get counselling, I can't decide if this is all too little too late.
Part of me is outraged and telling myself I deserve better, but then there is this other voice in my head telling me I am making too much of a fuss and that I am lucky to have such a good life. Honestly don't know what to do.
Hi and welcome to Mumsnet.
You may be better posting this in Relationships as there are a lot of very supportive posters on that board.
It depends how vile .. If it's just women then maybe th and work it out . Anything else isn't really on is it !
Is disagree, imjessie. It really doesn't matter what the porn is at all. He keeps breaking promises and it's making him impotent - that is a major problem for the marriage and the only person who can fix it is him - which he doesn't seem inclined to do.
Of course your self-esteem is taking a beating.
He needs to know this is serious. You have let it go so many times that he doesn't think it's a big deal anymore.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
It depends on how much you want to be with him and whether you can have a happy life separately from him. It also depends on what type of pounds he's accessing.
I think you have already given him enough second chances to be honest.
It's normal for men to watch porn.
But in moderation, with their mates having a laugh Kind of thing. If it's all the time then it's not. I don't know what he's watching but you're saying its vile along with his impotence and he's doing it even though it makes you unhappy. I think he's addicted to porn so he's struggling to be turned on by normal things.
Maybe take him to the gp to discuss addiction.
I don't think it is normal for men to watch porn, don't believe that you are asking too much by wanting him to stop. A lot of me do it, but not all. I personally don't believe it has a place within a loving relationship, but other people may be fine with it. If you look up about porn addiction, it can change the chemistry of the brain, therefore impacting on sexual performance etc. People with the addiction are constantly chasing a high. It is also a slippery slope, with some people needing harder, more graphic, novel stimulus to help them achieve orgasm and the same excitement. I would be concerned at how "vile" it is. It is impacting on your relationship, he probably knows this deep down. I personally would give him information on this.
No fap on reddit is quite good.
Also this http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/about-site-us-users
All you can do is give him the info, see if it resonates and see if he is willing to get help. Of not, you can't change him and then perhaps you need to think about yourself and whether or not this relationship is one you wish to continue with.
Thank you, I really appreciate all of the advice. He has (last night) admitted that he has a real problem and has agreed to go and speak to a counsellor about it. He has also bought a new crappy phone with no internet on it and is selling his iPhone. He has also admitted things to his parents.
The porn itself was not really just standard-issue stuff, some of the stuff i saw at one point involved some fairly hardcore/unusual sexual acts. Guess that is typical of someone who is looking for more and more thrills.
He has also admitted to looking up photos of other women on Facebook (including friends of friends etc), although claims he was just looking at them and not masturbating with the pics. Not entirely sure how true that is though.
Still not totally sure of what I am going to do yet but glad he is addressing the issue, whatever happens.
If he is committed to change, you will notice a difference. There are other things he should do also, the phone is a good step. Parental controls with him having no access, deactivate Facebook etc anything that is a trigger, get rid of. He needs a plan of what to do when he gets an urge also. The counselling will help, often porn addiction is a manifestation of some other problem. Counselling can work if he is committed, though getting the right kind of help can be difficult. He needs to really go cold turkey if he wants to quit it, but he also needs to be honest when he is struggling. I really hope he can kick it.
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