Wedding- He's a day guest, I'm an evening guest.

(64 Posts)
Mitta1109 Sat 21-May-16 09:10:10

Hi all,

Mine and my partners mutual friends are getting married. They're a lovely couple we got to know from work as we are all teachers. My partner still works at the same school as Let's call him Bob. Me and 'Clare' now work together also at the same school.

Anyway, the wedding invites came but I was upset to see that only my partner is invited to the actual wedding and I only to the evening. They have asked my partner to film the day and therefore he is invited but not me. I think it's rude to give unequal invitations to couples full stop, but also the wedding is 60 miles away, meaning that we would have to book a hotel room. So my partner will go off for the day filming for them and I have to sit on my tod in the hotel and then make my own way to the festivities later.

I've been a bit upset about it and decided that I'm just not going. Partly because I think it's a bit rude but also I don't want to waste my whole day sat in a hotel room waiting to be invited when my partner (who I've been with longer than they've been together!) is at th wedding. My partner really wants me to go but I've told him the only way I'll go is if he politely declines to film them wedding, they can get someone else easily, and comes just in the evening with me.

Am I being unreasonable? I am quite hurt by it as I really thought we were close friends. I guess that my partner is only invited to the day because of the filming but I do think it's a little selfish to even ask him. I have been married before and I had to make loads of sacrifices and invite all sorts of people just to keep others happy and I feel that they're being a little unthoughtful. I know it's their day but it doesn't mean I have to go!

Advice please!

Salene Sat 21-May-16 09:12:05

No you not. Who invites a couple to separate parts of wedding

Seems very bizarre to me. I'd be pissed off too and expect my partner to decline and attend as a couple in the evening

madmother1 Sat 21-May-16 09:14:17

Blimey, how rude and odd. I think I would be offended and not go or both go in the evening? They've not really thought this through!

AnthonyPandy Sat 21-May-16 09:14:32

So he's only invited so he can film there wedding for free? Pfft.

icouldabeenacontender Sat 21-May-16 09:14:57

Crikey that's a bit off.
He's the no cost film maker for the day while you twiddle your thumbs.
Fuck that.

AnthonyPandy Sat 21-May-16 09:15:16

<shudder> THEIR

georgedawes Sat 21-May-16 09:15:21

I wouldn't go either.

youknowwhattodo Sat 21-May-16 09:16:06

Wow how rude. I wouldn't go!

GibbousHologram Sat 21-May-16 09:17:04

Isn't this similar to inviting the minister's wife? (Who traditionally gets invited btw)

dontpokethebear Sat 21-May-16 09:17:37

Wow, rude.
The only way that this would be acceptable would be if one half of the couple was a very new addition (less than 6 months IMO) and you weren't both mutually friends with bride and groom.
It seems they only invited OH to the day because they wanted him to film it. Otherwise I'm sure you'd both only be evening guests.
YANBU to decline the invite.

JapanNextYear Sat 21-May-16 09:22:47

I think yabu. They presumably have a limit. Go and have a day out while he's at the wedding and you'll both have stuff to talk about. Or ask around to see if others only going to evening do and plan a lunch with them. It seems a bit off to spoil your DHs day and make them find a new filmer.

Also if he's filming he won't be spending time with you, he'll be filming.

Out of all of it, while it is odd, having your wedding filmed is the oddest bit for me.

DoreenLethal Sat 21-May-16 09:32:21

Did your partner offer to film for free?

Jimjamjoos Sat 21-May-16 09:37:29

Basically they are using your dh for filming so it's not really an unequal invitation; in effect you both would have just been invited to the evening do. I'd love a day in a hotel by myself. Can't you pick one with a pool and do some nice relaxing?

RaeSkywalker Sat 21-May-16 09:41:57

YANBU. I wouldn't go either.

ManonCrempog Sat 21-May-16 09:47:08

I'm with JimJamJoos. I don't think he's invited properly to the day, he's there as a camera man.

ImperialBlether Sat 21-May-16 09:49:21

He might find he's not getting a meal, since he'll be expected to film that.

TendonQueen Sat 21-May-16 09:55:38

He needs to wise up that he's free labour for the day. I think you should both decline. If your partner disagrees stand firm that you will not be going at any rate.

EllaHen Sat 21-May-16 09:56:02

I wouldn't pay to stay in a hotel for an evening only invitation.

So, YANBU. I wouldn't go.

Waltermittythesequel Sat 21-May-16 09:59:43

I wouldn't go.

BennyTheBall Sat 21-May-16 09:59:50

No way would I go. They have no manners.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 21-May-16 10:05:28

I think the fact you didn't get the wedding you wanted when you were married before is totally irrelevant. If I were feeling unkind I might even say a little petty and bitter but I don't know if you really mean it or just chucked that bit in at the end of your post. Fwiw I and many people will fundamentally disagree with the idea you have to have a wedding that suits others rather than the couple (with the obvious excretion of unreasonable or unkind behaviour).

I also think it's a bit off to set conditions as you have when you are a guest. I think that's ruder than only inviting you to the evening do.

If you don't want to go now that's your prerogative. But if you're not wanting to go to make a point to the bride and groom then that is a bit self-centred.

It sounds like your partner may well only be going to the first bit to film. If he is happy to do that or offered I really don't see how it is your place to tell him you're not going if he does that. Smacks of emotional blackmail. If he doesn't want to do it then it's up to him to be deciding and dealing with it.

If you were both only going to the evening do would you be so upset?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 21-May-16 10:07:02

Excretion? Well there's an autocorrect failure! Exception.

It's just taken me three attempts to go my phone to accept "exception". hmm

skibeck32 Sat 21-May-16 10:11:31

YANBU. I had a similar situation where a woman I had been really close to and was my bridesmaid later invited me to the day for her wedding but my husband to the evening reception only. It was in the middle of nowhere and logistically a nightmare if we were to go separately so we both just went to the evening do. I was really hurt by it actually and generally baffled as to why anyone would think this would be acceptable. He would have had to drive up with me and wait around for about 8 hours! I've definitely seen less of her as a result.

Stardust160 Sat 21-May-16 10:20:16

So they are saving money by getting your DP to film ceremony, speeches and cutting cake ( no one films people eating so he will get fed just as no photographer captures people eating they tend to take a break🙄) and they don't include you in the day time celebration dispute you knowing both bride and groom and you work with the bride. That seriously takes the biscuit. Video recording an wedding ceremony can be anywhere from 300 upwards let lone speeches cutting of the cake. The least they could do is invite you as his DP especially when you need to get accommodation.

I suspect they want your DP not distracted and fully committed to recording their wedding but if that's the case he should be paid for his services not having a guest record their day and expect some professionalism. They are not treating you both fairly at all. Why is your DP not annoyed he's good enough for his services but not to include you in the celebrations.

I would never exclude an established couple to the wedding day it's bad taste. I hope he declines the day in favour of the evening. They will soon enough change their minds.

Babymouse Sat 21-May-16 10:26:22

YANBU! They are getting something free from your husband and can't be bothered to invite you for the day?! I'm surprised your DH is happy to go without you.

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