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Holiday dilemma...advice please

(40 Posts)
UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 10:48:39

I'll try to be as unbiased as possible

A dad asks to take children away with partner and family in October half term for big family holiday. He's taking them to X.

Mother agrees and books holiday with her partner for the same week in Y.

Mother doesn't inform father that they are going to Y.

Father then changes holiday to Y without knowing that mother and her partner will be there too the same week. They decided against X as not workable.

Y is expensive holiday abroad, all deposits are paid. Fathers party is 6 adults and children. Mothers party is just 2 adults one child.

On discovery that both will be at same holiday at the same time (although different flights and hotels) father asks if mother could change her holiday as awkward for them all to be there at the same time. Would be strange for children.

If mother changes holiday she will be changed fees roughly £200. Partner of mother doesn't want to change destinations as looking forward to going to Y.

WWYD?

UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 10:57:16

small bump

AppleMagic Tue 10-May-16 11:02:20

I can't see what the problem is if they are staying at different hotels

Even if it were a problem I can't see why the mother should change, especially as she doesn't seem to be the one who has a problem about it.

If I was the mother, I'd do nothing. If I was the father I'd either get over it or rebook somewhere else.

AnnoyedByAlfieBear Tue 10-May-16 11:04:19

I don't think the mum should have to change anything. It's the dad who thinks it will be awkward, so he can do something about it.

ChinUpChestOut Tue 10-May-16 11:10:20

By not doing anything, the situation remains at an impasse. Clearly the father is at fault, by not checking further with the mother when he decided to change the holiday destination. Given that this relationship will continue until the DC are all grown up, it is better if this remains as friendly/low stress as possible.

In this instance, as the mother has the smaller group, it would be cheapest for her to change destination. But only if her lost deposit is paid for by the father. And she is given major brownie points for being so understanding. If he's an utter dick, then no. He can fuck off to the far side etc etc - not her problem.

UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 11:10:54

Problem is that it would be awkward and weird for children. Situation is a 'nightmare' (fathers words).

Pressure being put on mother to change as she didn't inform that they were going to Y.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 10-May-16 11:11:27

I don't see why the mother should be financially inconvenienced because the other set of holidaymakers decided against their first choice and coincidentally picked the resort she's chosen. Especially when they'll be on different flights and staying somewhere else!

AppleMagic Tue 10-May-16 11:13:02

How will it be awkward if they're staying in different hotels. What is the likelihood of them actually bumping into each other?

ShanghaiDiva Tue 10-May-16 11:13:27

Different flights and different hotels - don't see the problem. It's conceivable they will not even bump into each other.
IMO no plans need to be changed.

UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 11:21:28

Hmm think father is concerned the shine will be taken off holiday if mother and partner are there too.

Obviously I am the mother!

He hasn't really said, just that it would be weird not just for them but for DC also? Have had two phone calls in 48hrs regarding what we are doing about changing plans.

Flights aren't even on the same day. Resorts 5 miles apart.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 10-May-16 11:22:52

Sorry if you are dad's partner but I don't think that his ex had to inform him where her holiday destination was? Y is apparently a desirable place and if X was a non-starter he foolishly booked first, that's his bad luck. If he thinks that resort "ain't big enough for the both" of them he will have to steel himself for any encounters. I know it's not very relaxing but maybe by October things will be calmer anyway?

UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 11:22:53

DP is furious with me for even considering changing the holiday. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. DC happy we will be there at the same time although I've explained we probably won't see them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 10-May-16 11:23:47

Oh x post well as the mother I don't think you should consider changing.

Jinglebells99 Tue 10-May-16 11:24:25

That's ridiculous. If the father doesn't like it, he should change his plans. Particularly if they are five miles apart! You probably won't see each other!

coffeeisnectar Tue 10-May-16 11:27:21

This is such a non-issue.

He wanted to take the kids away. You agreed and booked your own holiday.

He has now changed his holiday to the same place and wants you to change your plans.

I don't understand why this needs to happen. I just don't get it.

Tell him it's not happening and the only person making an issue out of it is him and he needs to get over it before he ruins the holiday for the children.

We went to Cornwall last year and passed DP's ex and her partner in the car going in the opposite direction one day. We had no idea they were even there. It wasn't an issue. We didn't see them again on the holiday.

UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 11:30:38

It's a complete non issue for me. Clearly it is for ex.

Couldashouldawoulda Tue 10-May-16 11:36:09

5 miles apart?! Ridiculous to suggest it's a problem! He's the one who changed his plans. Tell him it'll be absolutely fine, and there's no need for you all to meet up if he'd rather not.

Catinthecorner Tue 10-May-16 11:39:12

Let me get this right.

Your ex changed his holiday plans, and didn't bother telling you that he would now be taking your children to a different location to the one you discussed.

You are fine with this.

However he thinks you should have told him before booking a holiday that won't involve him or his children. You should be punished for this by being made to change your plans, upsetting your travelling partner?

Nope. He's being a massive twat. Don't change your booking.

Frazzled2207 Tue 10-May-16 11:47:20

Don't change your booking.
Let the father change if he really wants to.
A non-issue for everyone, and presumably good for you in case there is heaven forbid some kind of illness/emergency and the kids need their mum.
Otherwise, no reason for paths to cross.
It would be bit weird if on same flights/hotel, but you're not!

UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 11:51:10

I'm wondering now why I even considered changing holidays.

Ex can be very persuasive and I was trying to keep the peace. Will text and tell him we aren't changing!

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Tue 10-May-16 11:55:22

Fuck what himself thinks. If I thought it would be weird for the children, or hard on them, then I would change. If they paid the fees. Otherwise, no.

Except actually, I don't think I'd relax very much if I knew I could bump into my ex, his family, and my children at any time during the holiday and then not be able to be with my children at all. And I don't think my kids would like that much either. So I maybe would change after all.
But there is no reason you should do if you don't want to. Don't let either of the men bully you (your ex being mad is a given, he's an ex for a reason, but your DP being furious with you is worrying)

7to25 Tue 10-May-16 11:55:45

Tell him you have changed, but don't.

UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 12:00:59

7to25 that's not a bad idea!!

QOD Tue 10-May-16 12:01:04

You are un likely to see them unless you arrange to meet.
I've holidayed a few times you a few 100 yards from folks I know and never spotted them

UnbiasedHoliday Tue 10-May-16 12:01:37

DP is pissed off I would even consider changing holidays. Feels like I'm being pushed around by ex. I can see his point of view

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