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Should I say something or stay out of it?

(15 Posts)
TheCatCupIsMine Tue 03-May-16 13:21:03

In a nutshell: SIL (DH's sister) is getting married abroad later in the year. MIL doesn't like traveling and doesn't want to go, but has told SIL she is going, and is talking as if she's going (talking about getting a dress etc). However, she has told me that she's not actually planning on going, as she doesn't want to travel. SIL will be devastated; MIL is not telling her ahead of time basically because she doesn't want to deal with SIL huffing etc. (SIL is a bit of a drama llama at the best of times, but I totally understand how upsetting this will be for her).

I was telling a friend (who doesn't know them) about this, and she reckoned I needed to try to get DH to have words with one or the other, so that SIL knows at least that her mum isn't planning on coming to her wedding. As my friend said, this would allow her to decide whether it's worth moving the wedding to somewhere local, or at least to get the upset over and done with well before the wedding, rather than potentially having the day ruined.

I really don't think it's my place to say anything; I told DH about it and he didn't want to say anything either (although, having been brought up with a LOT of drama, he avoids situations like this whenever he can. So I figured we'd stay out of it. But my friend was so insistent about it that I started doubting myself, and thought I'd put it out there to get some other opinions!

So, should I be encouraging DH to talk with one or both them about this?

Arfarfanarf Tue 03-May-16 13:28:16

I think you should get your husband to tell his mum that if she does this, her relationship with her daughter may never recover.

She is being a coward. She is ignoring the fact that pretending she is going then not going will be worse than being honest now.

If she thinks her daughter will huff now, what the hell does she think she'll do when she gets this sprung on her? what's she going to do? Just not show up? Tell her the day before?

Her daughter is going to hold it against her for a long time.

And all because she's too cowardly to have a difficult conversation?

I can't understand what she thinks she's saving herself from. It doesn't make any sense.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 03-May-16 13:33:13

If your SIL ever finds out that you and your DH knew about this beforehand, and didn't warn her she will be really mad.

If your DH doesn't say anything, he's just putting off the inevitable shit storm for later (My DH also has a family prone to drama and will avoid all possible confrontation so I understand him not wanting to get involved). I think he needs to realise that just by knowing your MIL's plans he's already involved whether he likes it or not sad

TheCatCupIsMine Tue 03-May-16 13:48:50

They are a family who communicate very poorly, in general, and everything gets turned into a drama! I take the point about her being mad if she discovers we knew beforehand and didn't tell her.

I've no idea what MIL plans to do; I'm guessing she'll tell her a few days beforehand - I don't think she'd just not turn up. But it's hard to say.

TheCatCupIsMine Tue 03-May-16 15:11:39

Incidentally, I'm leaning towards the idea that really FIL should be taking some action here. He knows MIL has no intention of going, and I think would be in the best position to say something without getting told off. It's his daughter who'll be devastated!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Tue 03-May-16 15:21:27

She needs to say. My mil did something similar at my wedding. I wish she'd just bloody said something.

Alanna1 Tue 03-May-16 15:28:32

I think your MIL is being ridiculous. She should just go and find a way to deal with the travelling.

TheCatCupIsMine Tue 03-May-16 15:50:57

I think she's being utterly ridiculous too! I'd have sympathy with her over the travelling, except that she has travelled several times since I've known her, to further-flung places than this. Even if she was absolutely unable to travel, I think it's crazy not to talk to her daughter about this.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Tue 03-May-16 15:58:12

If I were you I'd tell MIL that either she tells SIL or I will, and when. And if she complains then you tell her that it was her choice to tell you that she is lying to someone else and she shouldn't have done that unless she wanted you to be involved.
Someone needs to tell SIL. And then tell all parties to leave you out of it!

TheCatCupIsMine Tue 03-May-16 18:19:12

Heck, no, MIL would kill me! I don't really know her well enough to say something like that, even if she was a normal, stable person. I could talk to SIL, but that feels a bit sneaky.

LoveFoolMe Tue 10-May-16 08:55:15

How about saying to SIL "Is MIL definitely going?" This should prompt her to check with MIL.

TheCatCupIsMine Tue 10-May-16 12:22:39

Something like that might work. Is it a bit underhanded though?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 10-May-16 13:57:40

MIL is being daft pretending she wants to attend. She has a lot of time to work out strategies. I would leave any talking to DH - "I'm really surprised mum has said she's coming over, knowing what she's like about travelling!" but even then I would suggest that he is cautious about getting dragged into their problem.

LoveFoolMe Mon 04-Jul-16 23:45:43

How did things turn out CatCup?

Missgraeme Thu 28-Jul-16 10:24:37

How about an anonymous note through sil door??? She has a right to know her wedding day is gonna be ruined in advance surely? U are an accessory if u don't tell her in some way!!

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