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feeling hopeless

(10 Posts)
tee99 Mon 02-May-16 16:20:54

Hi I would like some feedback on if I am right or wrong and what I should do.
I was in a violent relationship (violence started the day after I went on maternity leave when I was eight and half months pregnant) but got as soon as I could safely.
Roll on a few years of intermittent visits by his father my DS was having problems at school, after a 3 year battle with school and it seemed like the world. He was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. At this stage he hadn't seen his father in over 2 years. But I had everything under control, he was flourishing at school and outside school in sports- BMXing, football and swimming and wining trophies. All was calm at home.
Then with the appearance of his father, whom was arrested on 3 occasions for threatening me and DS and his older brothers ( I have 3 older sons) his behaviour deteriorated so badly that eventually he was permanently excluded from school. It took 4 weeks to find another school that was suitable for him. Then another 2 weeks to fight to get the funding. I did sort it but had now been off work for 3months.
His deterioration of behaviour included attacking me with knives until I locked them away, smashing my phone, laptop,tv, washing machine glass door, his bedroom window, running away home, jumping out of the car whilst I was,driving and when I was in traffic, kicking my car dashboard breaking the indicators etc, trying to kick out the windscreen, ripping up his brothers A level work , another brother degree work, trying to hang himself from the banister with his duvet cover, self harming, pouring bleach on my face (when I had fell asleep from exhaustion). Police were constantly at the house.

The final straw came when he asked to see his dad ( this was the first tine, he had asked) and I said I would sort out a safe place with someone who could be with you, he boiled the kettle and demanded that if I didn't let him go that day he would pour the kettle over me. I could not get the kettle off him and spent an hour outside trying to talk him out of pouring the boiling water over me.
So I gave in and took him to see his dad.

His dad refuses to hand him back and he is refusing to come home. I am to frightened to get him back as I know the violence will continue from DS and also his father.
His brother's don't want him back as they say it peaceful without him and they have exams. They say I am safe without him and I look better. I gave returned to work after 3 months off.
I feel torn. A failure and just hopeless. My friends who some had seen him attack me. Say I should leave him with his father as that's where he wants to be .
He's 11.
What should I do.. Suggestions please. Sorry its long.v

bubblegurl252 Tue 10-May-16 20:51:34

I wouldn't want you to take him back if he's that dangerous. But it's a hard decision because he's your son.
Are Social involved?

tee99 Tue 10-May-16 23:03:09

Hi, thank you
Yes SS are involved and haven't been very helpful, SW witnessed a a violent attack on me from DS where he he was kicking and punching me ,then turned on the gas knobs on the cooker all because I said I wouldn't buy him a iPhone 6. SW just said he was amazed at my calmness and thought I handled it brilliantly! I was bleeding and badly bruised.

MeMySonAndl Tue 10-May-16 23:12:43

Would his father be violent towards him? If not, it maybe a good idea to leave him where he is for a few weeks as this will allow you to recover and give some peace to study for exams for the brothers,

bubblegurl252 Wed 11-May-16 07:59:11

I'd let him stay with his dad and let the social worker know what's happened, just so it's on record.

Pisssssedofff Wed 11-May-16 09:45:00

Agreed let him stay and phone social services weekly to find out what they are doing to support his dad

tee99 Fri 20-May-16 21:25:36

Thank you.
Yes SS are involved as I wanted them to be. I asked for help. . No help/ support just : You are doing well, you do look tired but you're always so calm.....

tee99 Fri 20-May-16 21:32:03

SS are fully updated. I call, text and email. Everything that has happened. But they just say well dad is not engaging,so they are funding it hard to manage! What a load of crap... His dad is not giving his medication, refuses to take him for his ecg. In my eyes that child neglect/abuse. But my other children are flourishing and studying hard. They don't want him back, talk about having your heart ripped out. X

Pisssssedofff Fri 20-May-16 22:12:41

I don't know what to make of SS tbh I've always been terrified of them but the honest truth is they are so ineffective for whatever reasons I don't know how much use they'll be to you. Better than nothing maybe, just

tee99 Sat 21-May-16 06:44:56

Yes I was to but now seeing how rubbish they are when you ask for help, is an eye opener. However as he is at his dads and I'm worried about him as his dad refuses to communicate to me in anyway, they can find out and if necessary be forced to do something. If I do anything, his dad has threatened to kill me.
On the positive side I am rebuilding my relationships with my other boys and foster daughter ( she's 19 and lives independently now) as my time was always taken by DS.

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