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Not sure how to tackle this

(13 Posts)
AldrinJustice Fri 22-Apr-16 22:22:44

My DP has an estranged father and has wanted our 8mo baby to meet him for a while now. Only thing is MIL and DP have decided (in front of me!) bubs will go with BIL to meet the grandfather. DP is not going because he doesn't get on with his father, I've not had a say in this but I do feel uncomfortable in sending my child to meet grandfather for the first time without me or DP. The issue hasn't raised its head for a few weeks but I'm dreading the day it does because I don't know what to do. Not sure what way ILs will take it if I tell them how I feel. Don't want anyone to think I'm being difficult or causing trouble (has happened in the past) I also have not met DP's father so that will be a first too. Just slightly peeved that the decision has been made without my input as if it's not important. How would you handle this?

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Fri 22-Apr-16 22:37:58

I've not had a say in this

Are you serious? You say no. End of. I can't believe you would even entertain the idea. Are they insane?

Sparklingbrook Fri 22-Apr-16 22:39:24

Just say no.

EllaHen Fri 22-Apr-16 22:44:27

It's a no from me as well. No qualms whatsoever about appearing 'difficult'.

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle Fri 22-Apr-16 22:52:39

No way on earth would that be happening here. Just say no. You don't owe anyone a reason.

bumpertobumper Fri 22-Apr-16 23:00:01

Would you go with bil to meet fil?
Although it does seem a bit strange that DP is so keen for your baby to meet fil given they are NC... Is it important to DP? Or more for the rest of the family, DP trying not to cause trouble?
I think if it genuinely mattered to DP I would consider taking the baby to meet its grandfather, but if not then no. To not cause a fuss can you just put it off with a vague not yet, too young? Or just say no...

Gazelda Fri 22-Apr-16 23:01:37

If I were you, I'd be insisting on going with BIL.

CocktailQueen Fri 22-Apr-16 23:04:06

No. If dh doesn't see his dad, why does he think his child should?

And definitely no at 8 months. The baby won't have a clue, and you and dh not there? No.

Dh can send his estranged dad a pic of his Ds instead,

bumpertobumper Fri 22-Apr-16 23:04:37

Just to add My fil hasn't met dc3 yet, she is 14 months. I wouldn't be happy with her going to visit him without me, but in my case no one is trying to make it happen (although DP a bit sad that fil seemingly not interested, but that is a massive back story in not going to hijack your thread with).

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 22-Apr-16 23:08:13

Simple. You go or baby doesn't go.

What's so terrible about MIL thinking you are difficult or trouble? She sounds difficult and trouble.

But but but what I really don't get is that your DP dislikes his DF enough to have gone completely no contact yet wants his first born to spend time with him.

What's his logic there?

WellErrr Fri 22-Apr-16 23:09:39

You're the mother. You have ALL the say.

End of.

It might be hard standing up for yourself this time, but if you don't it'll happen again and again.......

AldrinJustice Fri 22-Apr-16 23:54:13

DP doesn't want our kid to miss out on a relationship with the grandfather so there is some sentiment behind the action, and I'm all for it but I thought we'd have gone as a couple with DC to visit grandfather. It is a sensitive and depressing subject so I don't like bringing it up (DP's father was abusive in the past but now has moved past it and occasionally sees his other kids). However he has made no contact with DP and honestly DP feels a bit hurt by it all. It might be a confidence thing, I'm thinking DP may feel like his dad doesn't want to see him as he hasn't bothered so maybe that's why he doesn't want to go with DC. But he doesn't see why our DC should not see the grandfather because of the situation.

I can't often tell what's what with my MIL. At face value everything seems fine and dandy (she may say so herself) and then weeks later it'll come out that it was not fine and dandy. So I just play it safe.

I'll mention going with BIL, that may actually solve it - can't think of anything that would be said that goes against that idea!

FearOfFlying Fri 22-Apr-16 23:59:32

Erm, I think no. I mean, it's up to you obviously - but if it was me - BIL taking my 8mth old to see their previously abusive father? No.

If you're happy to go along too, then fine, but explain to you partner that you'd appreciate you and him having a conversation about this in future, rather than him and his mother deciding it.

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