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single mum by choice

(11 Posts)
Jw35 Wed 02-Mar-16 14:27:07

I'm a single mother by choice to a 14 month old dd who was conceived using donor sperm. I'm also 18 weeks pregnant with her sibling by the same donor.

I have yet to work out how to word things in conversation with people I don't know well, eg mums at toddler groups etc. A few times references to dd's 'daddy' have been said eg 'she's tall, is her dad tall'? Etc. I do know the answer that that but some questions are difficult eg 'what does your partner think about x y and z' in conversation.

Now personally I don't mind saying I'm a single mum or even the circumstances of my children's births but I won't want to discuss it openly when they're old enough to hear what's being said, I'll need to consider how to word things!

What would you say? Should I correct people who assume I have a partner and what to say? I'm proud of my decisions and happy with everything but I don't want the kids to hear words like donor etc.

I haven't yet worked out what to say to the kids, I want them to know the truth but not blurt it out to other kids later in case they're teased. So I was planning to say 'you don't have a dad' for the first few years then take it from there.

Any advice welcome! I will check out websites relating to this too, if anyone has any links I'd be grateful!

limon Thu 03-Mar-16 20:20:52

Just that you're a single mum. That's all people need to know.

Out2pasture Thu 03-Mar-16 20:41:29

with regards to height eye color etc. dig into your family background.
tall like uncle joe and same color eyes like my grandmother.

Trooperslane Thu 03-Mar-16 20:46:29

Goof friends are a same sex couple and they say. "We don't know, we had a donor" to those questions.

They're very comfortable being open though. Might not suit everyone.

aginghippy Thu 03-Mar-16 21:15:44

Have a look at Donor Conception Network lots of resources there about talking to children about being donor conceived in an age appropriate way.

aginghippy Thu 03-Mar-16 21:18:59

If strangers ask you questions that you are uncomfortable with, just say you're not sure and change the subject. You don't owe them an explanation.

daffodilsandbooks Thu 03-Mar-16 21:20:31

I'd go with 'I'm a single mum' smile

Have you asked on adoption, OP? I know your children aren't adopted but they have some good ways of approaching tricky questions x

MsMims Thu 03-Mar-16 21:23:22

I agree with PP that just saying you're a single mum/ parent is the best approach.

Keep it simple and you won't tie yourself in knots trying to think of things on the spot.

Jw35 Sat 05-Mar-16 12:43:53

Thank you for the suggestions. I didn't want to simply say 'single mum' as I'm pregnant with a one year old and don't really want people to feel sorry for me! I haven't had a horrible break up and a man hasn't left me pregnant and alone!
AgingHippy thanks for the link, I will take a look.

Jw35 Sat 05-Mar-16 12:48:54

Trooper I'm quite reserved but if I knew someone well enough I have no issue saying 'I had a donor', in fact I'm proud of it! It's not about me though, I would prefer not to use words like 'donor' in front of the little ones, it's not a word I plan to use for them in case they say it school later or something and get bullied.

I'm trying to find a happy middle ground with keeping things open and simple but not giving the kids confusing jargon about how they were made! I would rather just say 'you don't have a dad, you have a grandad' or whatever while they're little then find the right words when the questions come later.

MrsWigster1991 Sun 06-Mar-16 23:26:58

I dont know why but "single mum" seems to have certain connotations attached.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. I'd do as suggested up thread about relating questions about height and eye colour etc to your side of the family anyway.

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