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OH and MIL

(14 Posts)
Meg1987 Wed 17-Feb-16 18:32:56

My husband was away for nine weeks with work and when he was due to return my MIL decided to plan to come down to surprise him the day after he got back. We live about 2 hours away from family so she would of stayed for two nights. She rang me the week before asking whether she and my BIL could come down the night he got home instead. She said she understood we might want a night to ourselves (myself husband and one year old) so I said i would rather have that night just the three of us and stick to the plan of her coming down the following day. She wasn't happy that I was "stopping" her from seeing her son when she wanted to even though she said she wouldn't be offended. We had a massive argument over it and she still isn't happy about it. After a discussion with my husband about it he has now said that although he agrees we should of had time just the three of us, that he wouldn't of said no to her coming down that night. I just feel like I'm the bad guy now and have been selfish in stopping her coming even though I was making the decision I thought was best for my family?
What would u of done in this situation?

StealthPolarBear Wed 17-Feb-16 18:36:19

She asked in a way that made it clear she understood and was then upset when you said that was indeed how you felt?!

Meg1987 Wed 17-Feb-16 18:38:08

Yeah. Said she wouldn't be offended and would understand and then messages my husband who said she was welcome anytime

Gazelda Wed 17-Feb-16 18:40:01

Its done now, don't row with your DH about it. But agree how you will handle it another time - maybe they could come to see DH the night he arrives home, but stay elsewhere? Or babysit while you and DH go out for an evening? TBH, I think I'd be wanting my DH to myself (and DC) if he'd been away for 9 weeks. I think you were right and fair in asking her to delay by a few hours.

JellyBabiesSaveLives Wed 17-Feb-16 18:43:19

I'd have said "my husband has been away for 9 weeks, you can wait a couple of weeks before you visit" and "yes, I'm stopping you from seeing your son because he is going to be busy with the two people in the world who are now more important to him than you are". Although I wouldn't have needed to because my MIL would have understood precisely why we didn't need houseguests for a couple of weeks!

Meg1987 Wed 17-Feb-16 19:16:03

My issue is what to do with my husband from here. I've tried talking to him about it but I feels like he's contradicting himself by saying he agreed we would need time the three of us but that he wouldn't of stopped her coming.
When I try to talk through y it feels like he's just sitting on the fence to please everyone he just says well fine next time I'll tell her no "just to stop this from happening" between us. Don't know where I stand with him.
Thanks for all ur comments. It's nice to know people would of done the same.

Meg1987 Wed 17-Feb-16 19:17:04

Makes me feel like I've been the bad person

andsoimback Wed 17-Feb-16 19:19:28

Most people would understand this and visit after a few days. You've done nothing wrong.

jelliebelly Wed 17-Feb-16 19:21:32

You have done nothing wrong. Dh needs to have a word with mil. His reaction hints mat being peacekeeper - does she have form?

Meg1987 Wed 17-Feb-16 20:09:42

I think he's just trying to keep peace and try and be the nice guy to everyone. I don't understand ur question - does she have form?

ladymariner Sun 06-Mar-16 23:07:48

YANBU, op, I would have rather had the night dh came back as just the three of us. Think you were well within your rights to ask her to come the following day, and I'm surprised she didn't think that herself.

But wow, jellie you would really stop your dh seeing his mother for a couple of weeks, and say all that to her.....really???

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sun 06-Mar-16 23:11:15

I think Jellie means, has she does this sort of thing before? Is she a bit posessive of your DH?

MrsWigster1991 Sun 06-Mar-16 23:21:45

OP she's obviously missed her son too. She's going to feel put out if she had a plan put together then you said no (even if you didn't know about the plan yourself grin).

I'd tell OH you want it just to be you three and your MIL can come the day after. Explain why and explain that MIL did say this was ok.
Don't be harsh on your OH when it comes to his mum. He's in a difficult position of trying to keep the two most important women in his life from arguing and he's probably just happy to be coming home.

WonderingAspie Fri 11-Mar-16 21:11:14

I wouldn't have let her come the same night, or the night after actually. He was away for 9 weeks! You did nothing wrong.

I was bad enough when DH got sent on a long haul flight for work recently. He was exhausted when he got back and had to go straight back to work. One day the phone rang and it was MIL. She had phoned the house and DH's work 7 times in an hour and a half because he wasn't answering (well yes, he was at work). She wanted to know why he hadn't replied to her texts. I wasn't as shitty as I should have been tbh, I just said he was exhausted from the travelling, his new job and the fact that he is now back at work!

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