Talk

Advanced search

For unborn child's grandparents

(29 Posts)
Mummystar123 Sun 14-Feb-16 10:30:57

Ex and I are no longer in contact, I have gone no contact as he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. I've been writing a journal from the baby's perspective. I've: scan pics and little text saying ' today mummy saw me for the first time' ' today mummy felt me moving' etc and I was planning on keeping it in case the ex ever does decide to be involved. My friend suggest it would be nice to send a copy to his parents once baby is born. They are very family orientated and adore their other grandchildren, my friend thinks that once baby is born I should give them the opportunity to know the baby even though the father doesn't want to know. I think it can't hurt to make them a keepsake too justincase and would be no extra bother making copies of the scan pics and stuff. Do you think this is a nice thing to do or just weird.?!
I know of his mum and I don't think she would be happy knowing she had a grand hid she had no contact with so I personally think I could make the book up anyway and if they never see it it's no bother but if they do become involved they can retrospectively follow baby's journey?!
I'm not sure what to do and whether I should even tell them once baby is born???
I know if my brother got someone pregnant and wasn't involved my mum would fight to see her grandchild because it's her family but I'm aware not everyone thinks like this.
So.......WWYD?

wannabestressfree Sun 14-Feb-16 10:33:08

If you are happy for them to have a relationship I would tell them now and give them time to digest the news.

Mummystar123 Sun 14-Feb-16 13:16:17

I can't tell them just now, they don't know I even exist as their sons ex girlfriend and he recently split with his other gf, I think this maybe too much for them all at once.

wannabestressfree Sun 14-Feb-16 14:20:59

You could write a letter so you Don't feel you have to post birth?

Mummystar123 Sun 14-Feb-16 18:32:51

That's a good idea. I'll have a think

Noeuf Sun 14-Feb-16 18:41:01

So you will tell them when you've had the baby but not now, giving them time to get used to the idea?
I really wouldn't send the book, it's way too intimate and a bit subjective as to who might like it/ think it's sickly. Just the facts would be better, no?

Muskateersmummy Sun 14-Feb-16 18:43:06

I would send a letter with the facts, let them know you have kept a journal and that if they would like read or have a copy to keep you would be happy for them to do so.

altctrldel Sun 14-Feb-16 18:43:09

I think the book might be a bit far if you dont know how it will gp down. Id tell her though. Its her grandchild and she deserves to know. Wherever she takes it from there is up to her.

altctrldel Sun 14-Feb-16 18:44:08

Also OP- be prepared for the worse. I cant see any mother taking the news their son doesnt want anything to do with their child well. She might take it out on you/accuse you of lying etc. Just prepare for that.

PurpleDaisies Sun 14-Feb-16 18:45:53

Keeping the scan pics for them is nice. The journal is over the top (and a bit nauseating sorry). Will they be interested in your pregnancy? I'd have thought it would be the actual baby they'd want to know about, not what you think he/she is thinking etc... I hope that makes sense!

starsinyourpies Sun 14-Feb-16 18:48:26

My own Mum would not be interested in that journal if I wrote it, sorry! I think a letter with the facts and offer them a copy of scan photo if they are interested.

Footle Sun 14-Feb-16 19:08:24

A long time ago I was in your position. I don't know when the ex told his mother about the child, but I only met her once, quite a few years on. I'm not sure I said anything beyond hello. She looked at the child , a very nice child who looked like the father and was obliviously playing around with other kids, and uttered the immortal words : "It's a bit , um... much".

Mummystar123 Sun 14-Feb-16 19:09:44

Okay will just write a letter or I cod just go and see them once baby is born!?

AliceInUnderpants Sun 14-Feb-16 19:13:29

You say he has recently split with his "other gf".... what about his wife? Does she know?

FishWithABicycle Sun 14-Feb-16 19:37:24

No tell them sooner rather than later it's much kinder than springing it on them after the baby is born and you are much more likely to be able to deal with the emotional fallout now than you will be when you have a newborn.

Mummystar123 Mon 15-Feb-16 01:49:36

he WA not married, I just refer to her a his wife as they were together for a long time and were as good as married when I discovered I was the OW

Phalenopsisgirl Mon 15-Feb-16 08:48:22

Write your journal, it may be good therapy for you if nothing else, I went through something similar and having an emotional outlet is never a bad thing, it doesn't have to be something you share with anyone else but it'll be something you can look back on and it may be informative to them too you just don't know. Time will no doubt tell. For now you do what you want and look after yourself.

Phalenopsisgirl Mon 15-Feb-16 08:53:49

And I really don't like you using the word weird. You cope with this situation however you want, no one else can tell you if and how you keep a diary. Nothing is weird if it helps you through a difficult time.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es Mon 15-Feb-16 09:20:43

I think keep going with the diary for yourself, it will be a lovely keepsake but it is unlikely to be something others would be interested in even in normal circumstances. I do think it would be right for them to know they will be having a grandchild, however you must prepare for the possibility that they won't want to be involved, your ex may have very strong feelings on the matter and they may well not want to jeopardise their relationship with him.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 15-Feb-16 09:23:42

Wrote your journal, but do it for yourself. It's a bit sickly as an announcement to people who don't even know you exist right now.

Write them a courteous, factual letter that leaves the door open if they want a relationship with the baby, then leave the ball in their court.

louisejxxx Mon 15-Feb-16 09:24:59

I agree with others - tell them the facts first, as even if they do want to know, a journal from baby's pov is not necessarily everyone's cup of tea anyway.

NNalreadyinuse Mon 15-Feb-16 09:25:55

I wouldn't say anything at all. It is up to him to facilitate a relationship between his parents and his child, or even to inform them rhat he has a child. It's not your place imo. If you contact them, you are inviting a whole future of interfearance from them, resentment at being forced into parenting from him and potential hassle that is no good for you or the baby. He isn't going to be a good dad unless he wants to be.

Bluecarrot Mon 15-Feb-16 09:32:04

The CSA told dd1s grandparents by sending the letter to her 60 year old grandfather with same first name as the dad :/ whoops!
They knew about her for 3 years before her dad decided to be in her life (also had wanted termination, and vanished) I wouldn't contact them. I would keep a digital album of significant moments that would could either share virtually if/when the time comes, or order prints from if they are more old school.
Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy

Mummystar123 Mon 15-Feb-16 16:21:02

Thanks guys, I think your right in that I'm really struggling to cope with the situation, especially because they are the child's only grandparents, they live almost 300 miles away from us do I think I'll send a letter eventually I just can't right now. I'm sad for my baby missing out and I'm just crying all the time, I guess this was giving me a bit of hope but your right they probably won't want to know, I'm just feeling so alone and lost and I'm trying to focus on positive things but it's so hard. Thanks for your input though, it means a lot.

Footle Mon 15-Feb-16 18:11:26

I told you about my experience to show that you can't count on getting a reaction that would be anything like what you might hope for. I should also say that by the time that happened / failed to happen, it was no big deal because my life and my child's had changed , very much for the better. The child is now an adult and is in regular touch with the birth father, but is realistic and neutral about him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now