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Friends FIL is a paedophile not sure what to do **possibly triggering**

(62 Posts)
1namechange9 Thu 11-Feb-16 17:39:30

My friends FIL has just been convicted of having child porn (loads of it and worst rating sad) she and her DH are standing by him, I can't be friends with her but have no idea what to say. How can she believe his lies and allow him around her children? (SS are aware) I just can't believe how stupid she is been.

What do I say? I can't be friends with her after this

PennyHasNoSurname Thu 11-Feb-16 17:41:57

Will he be sentenced? Hopefully that will happen and her children will be safer.

I would have a conversation with her.

"X, I get that people like to stick by their family, but I absoloutey cannot condone this, nor can I currently trust yours and your dhs judgement. I really cannot be aroud either of you whilst you stand by this man"

Lweji Thu 11-Feb-16 17:42:20

Is he still free?

Be honest and tell them what you said on your post.

1namechange9 Thu 11-Feb-16 17:45:44

He has a suspended sentence angry I'm sat crying away from my DC before any of this happened I fully trusted her with my DC

I just don't understand why she is doing it

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Thu 11-Feb-16 17:46:39

What does she believe about the case? That he didn't have images of child sexual abuse in his possession?

I think you need to tell her exactly what you've said in your post.

LIZS Thu 11-Feb-16 17:48:16

Why are you crying? If your dc were involved the police would have told you. Maybe she isn't the friend you thought, do they have dc? Presumably he will not be allowed contact with children.

RudeElf Thu 11-Feb-16 17:49:24

Fuuuck! How can they stand by him? Surely the evidence is undeniable?

ForeverLivingMyArse Thu 11-Feb-16 17:50:52

Why can't you be friends with her?

hedgehogsdontbite Thu 11-Feb-16 17:51:36

She's in denial. It's so horrible that she can't let herself believe it's true.

PotteringAlong Thu 11-Feb-16 17:53:18

Do you ever see him? Why does her still seeing him mean you can't be her friend?

1namechange9 Thu 11-Feb-16 17:54:32

They think because he didn't make it (or get caught) it can't be as bad I haven't asked I only found out 2 days ago. I think I'm crying because I didn't think she could scoop so low to allow her DC to have contact with a pedo. I just can't be friends who would put their DC in danger l I just don't understand her thinking

Lweji Thu 11-Feb-16 17:54:57

The problem for me would be not trusting her judgment in relation to the children's safety. And what is acceptable.

Is she actually standing by him or by her husband?

ForeverLivingMyArse Thu 11-Feb-16 17:55:49

Then don't be friends with her then. Stop making it about you.

1namechange9 Thu 11-Feb-16 17:55:51

I can't be friends with her when she can't see he hasn't done anything wrong she must know on some level or she would of told me sooner

ForeverLivingMyArse Thu 11-Feb-16 17:57:54

I'm sure she knows it's wrong. She's just dealing with what's in front of her one but at a time. There's no text book on how to deal with this. She's had a huge shock.

PotteringAlong Thu 11-Feb-16 17:58:46

She hasn't said he's done nothing wrong. She hasn't cut contact with him. That's not the same thing.

petalsandstars Thu 11-Feb-16 18:00:33

I couldn't stay friends with someone who minimised images of child sexual abuse. It's not child porn it's abuse.

I wouldn't trust their boundaries. I also wouldn't sugar coat it. That would be a red line for the friendship.

ocelot41 Thu 11-Feb-16 18:04:29

I agree. She is probably in denial. But you can't let your kids go over there.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Thu 11-Feb-16 18:05:12

Maybe you should give it a few days, for you to calm down, before you do anything.

If he's only just been convicted she may change her stance in the next few weeks once she's got her head around it all properly.

At this point you don't need to make any big "I can't be friends with you any more" type announcement, just take a few days out, don't reply to texts, don't answer her calls, take some space until you're less emotional about it and you can see where she's at with it all.

Once reality hits she may completely change her viewpoint.

1namechange9 Thu 11-Feb-16 18:08:09

Sorry I know its abuse worded it wrong. I don't think I'm making out about me I just thought I'd see what people would be as honest I am going to be. I 100% can't be friends with them I could never trust their judgement on what is safe

AcrossthePond55 Thu 11-Feb-16 18:17:45

If you've made your decision then just go no contact. In a situation like this there's no point in trying to make them see 'reason'.

Had very similar with a former co-worker who was part of my 'ladies who lunch' group (we're a mix of retired & still working). Her husband was convicted of distributing child porn and was sentenced to prison. She supported him and visits him and plans to take him back when he's released. She refuses to discuss it. Her own son and DiL refuse to have anything to do with her or to permit her anywhere near their child (her only DGC).

One of our group, formerly the closest one to her, tried to talk to her and just kept getting 'you just don't understand'. We just decided to 'drop' her and no longer invite her to our lunches.

1namechange9 Thu 11-Feb-16 18:26:01

I think Dr is right about waiting I don't think I could stay calm so may send a text in a few days.

across I have to tell her I don't like the normalising of it, the way they've made it "it isn't as "bad" I can't not say why

1namechange9 Thu 11-Feb-16 18:28:30

What do I say to my DD's 6+8? We spend so much time together they've known them since DD1 was 2

lougle Thu 11-Feb-16 18:31:34

So she gets punished because the father of the man she married committed a crime?

What 'judgement impairment' would affect you to the extent that you couldn't be friends? You aren't at any risk from him, being well over the target age of paedophiles. Your children aren't at any risk from him, because you wouldn't leave them in any place that he had access to.

So let's not pretend that this is about their judgement. It's about your judgement. You're judging your friend for continuing to love a man who has done very bad things.

Lweji Thu 11-Feb-16 18:33:11

I think it's very clear it's because she continues to expose her child to a paedophile and would expose the OP's children as well, probably.

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