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Would you leave it or contact him?

(81 Posts)
LonerDave Mon 25-Jan-16 11:47:42

Just need to get this out as it’s doing my head in.
I’ve been eternally single (had a fling a while back and have DS 2.2) always been a lone parent and I am happy/ok with it, It’s the way it is.
Anyway, meet a guy, all seemed fine, we get on, he has taken me out, we’ve seen my friends etc .. He is divorced 2x older kids, all amicable.
He has stayed at mine. He has met DS and no joke it has all been lovely. I like him, and yes fancy him which is a big thing for me.
So, been seeing each other only a couple of months, 2-3 times a week.
Yesterday, he leaves in the morning and asks me if I want to come over to his in the afternoon, I say I have friends coming over so I will let him know and obvs my DS needs to be in bed by 7pm and I work full time so would have to be home by 7:30am this morning. Ok fine.
Friends didn’t leave until 5.30pm. I call him and say it’s getting late (he lives 45mins away) so we will not come over, sorry etc .. let’s see each other in the week.
Well, an hour later I get the shittiest of texts saying he doesn’t think I want to go over to his (haven’t been there yet due to things going on with my life/DS etc). I said that is ridiculous and not the case, it just wasn’t great timing, sorry. I said .. how about another time then, I am sorry (again!), he just said “MAYBE!!!!” But all quite narky … I left it at that, but I am upset and angry today. I doubt I will hear from him again, just angry at myself for thinking this “might” have actually gone somewhere.
WHAT the fuck have I done wrong here? …. Or is this just another one to just move on from. Feeling quite sad

etttvatre Mon 25-Jan-16 11:51:01


pinkyredrose Mon 25-Jan-16 11:53:31

Red flag. He's got no reason to be angry at you.

LoveAGoodRummage Mon 25-Jan-16 11:54:36

You did nothing wrong. He's testing your boundaries. Throw this one back in.

LonerDave Mon 25-Jan-16 11:58:08

Hmmm! Good one testing my boundaries

I didn't do anything wrong did I? I didn't commit to going to his & just got an earful back from him saying, I get the feeling you don't want to come to mine.

That's not the case, it was getting late. DS comes first. We can always do it another time.

Another wanker on the loose then! sigh

So I just leave it? I didn't respond after the "maybe" comment as how old are you FFS (I'm 38 he is 48!) .......

So tired of this shit

aginghippy Mon 25-Jan-16 12:04:38

No of course you didn't do anything wrong. Of course your ds comes first and any reasonable adult would know that. Yes he is a wanker.

IIWY I would just leave and not contact him again.


LoveAGoodRummage Mon 25-Jan-16 12:08:27

I'd just leave it. He'll probably contact you to apologise, "having a bad day", "shouldn't have taken it out on you", "was just really looking forward to seeing you" etc. Tell him he can find another punch bag, it won't be you.

I wish I'd spotted all the red flags my ex was waving. It's taken me some time to realise they're not all like that.

wannaBe Mon 25-Jan-16 12:23:56

Hmm, so, it sounds as if you've never been to his, and that every time he suggests it there has been some reason why you couldn't? Tbh I can see why he might feel that you don't want to go to his when he's always the one making the effort to come over to yours.

I don't think he was in the wrong or that these are red flags at all. You've been seeing each other for a couple of months, he's the one who does all the running to yours - on your terms. He suggests you coming over to his and there is always a reason why not.

To him it looks as if you don't want to actually come to his house. At some point the conversation might have needed to be had. So no, I wouldn't bin him on the MN say-so. I would have a conversation with him around why it is ok for him to always come to yours and yet you don't ever have time to reciprocate.

LonerDave Mon 25-Jan-16 12:27:12

I get what you're saying ..... But my question is why be so childish? We are in our 40's (me nearly!)

The "maybe" just raised a flag as playing games .....

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 25-Jan-16 12:35:14

I agree with wanna he has been coming over to yours 2-3 times a week for a couple of months (45 minute journey as well) and you have never been to his, he is bound to be pissed off.

If you are always too busy to go to his, but not too busy to have him at yours he probably feels you are playing games too.

It sounds like you probably aren't as invested as he is, probably best to let this one fizzle out.

LonerDave Mon 25-Jan-16 12:38:20

Shit! sad

wannaBe Mon 25-Jan-16 12:48:25

Nope, "maybe" sounds like disappointment or not wanting to get his hopes up. If you always say no he has probably reached a point of thinking he won't bother asking again because the answer is always no anyway.

Reverse the post. Poster posts that she's met a lovely guy, they've been spending time together, she's only ever been to his, but every time she suggests him coming over to her's he always has an excuse why not. MN opinion would be, "he's just not that into you. Get rid."

LoveAGoodRummage Mon 25-Jan-16 12:51:00

So he can talk about it? Not stomp off like a child and respond sarcastically. His children are older and don't need as much attention but presumably he knows what it's like.

After two months and he's behaving like this, he's still not someone I would invest in. Only you know what your relationship is like OP and if something doesn't feel right, trust yourself.

SevenOfNineTrue Mon 25-Jan-16 12:54:21

Sounds like he thinks the relationship is uneven and he is always coming to you, you never going to his, so he is doing all the running around.

It is a shame that he couldn't discuss that with you face to face and he needs to know that shitty text's like that are not on. If there is an issue, talk about it, don't have a tantrum.

wannaBe Mon 25-Jan-16 12:57:14

Who said he stomped off like a child. He sent a text saying that it feels like the op doesn't want to come over to his, (totally justified,) when op said perhaps another time he said "maybe." This bloke has suggested a number of times that op come over and op always has a reason why not. he has no reason to believe that it will happen. And besides, the exchange happened by text the screen does not convey emotion, so one' person's "stomping off in a strop," is another person's reply based on disappointment and the thought that the other person probably doesn't want this as much as he does.

Yes, they need to have an actual conversation. But to suggest red flags and get rid on the basis of a text of about ten words is ridiculous. I would have taken the text of not wanting to come over as in general, not a sulk about yesterday in particular.

LonerDave Mon 25-Jan-16 13:00:01

He has actually only asked me twice .... the second being yesterday .....

YouMakeMyDreams Mon 25-Jan-16 13:04:15

He's an adult if he feels it is unfair he discusses it like a grown up. Having a problem with doing all the running is not a red flag the toddler tantrum is.
The op has a small child that comes first. From her perspective it is much easier to have him come to her rather than schlepping back and forth with a toddler plus their stuff every week.
Sorry but I totally believe what Mumsnet always says that when someone tells you who they are then listen. Couple of months in and he's proved he can't communicate properly his solution is to stamp his feet. This is as good as it gets this is best behaviour. If he can't deal with communicating the small stuff he'll be useless when life throws something really stressful.

LoveAGoodRummage Mon 25-Jan-16 13:04:50

Well there's the answer then - interpretation of aforementioned scenario is based on the individual perspective.

Have a conversation OP, it's much better than texting. And if he's still 'off' then you know what you have to do.

YouMakeMyDreams Mon 25-Jan-16 13:06:11

And of course the "MAYBE!!!!" was shitty. That is not a grown up answer.

LoveAGoodRummage Mon 25-Jan-16 13:06:17

Frankly if I was worrying this much after two months (isn't it supposed to be fun??) I'd be tempted to end it anyway.

Smidge001 Mon 25-Jan-16 13:10:18

I don't think it's a shitty text at all.

I think he was trying to make a lighthearted response to a situation where he feels really disappointed/ let down but doesn't want to let on to you that he feels that way, in case it comes over as too clingy (as it definitely looks as if he's been making more effort in the relationship so far). He probably wanted to try to make out that, yeah, you're saying you'll do it another time, but 'maybe' he won't actually ask you over again. Sure, maybe it's a bit of a game, but I wouldn't say it's nasty at all - in fact if say it's coz he feels vulnerable and is trying to protect himself from being let down again, ie pretending he's not bothered. I bet he's gutted and reckons this is another proof that you're just not that into him.
I can just imagine the poor chap having told his friends you said you might come over and feeling a fool knowing he'll have to tell them that yet again you had another excuse not to come.
<clearly some personal projection here!> grin
A shitty text would have been him having a go at you. He didn't do that. I think you need to work out if you want to pursue this relationship further, and if so, perhaps make some sort of gesture to make it clear to him that it's not all one-way.

willconcern Mon 25-Jan-16 13:12:49

I agree with wannaBe. He HAS communicated how he sees the problem, he said he feels OP doesn't want to go over to his. I can see why he would feel that. Especially if he'd invited the OP over, she said she had friends coming round but would let him know - he was probably looking forward to it, and then, quite late in the day, OP texts him to say she definitely isn't coming after all. If OP was that bothered about seeing him, she could have told her friends that she only had until 3.30. Or she could have said no to his invitation in the first place.

LonerDave Mon 25-Jan-16 13:12:48

Well I was taken aback by his reaction. I called, explained it was getting late, would have to get all our stuff together (travel cot, work stuff blah blah)

Then I get a string of shitty texts.

It's only been 6 weeks of seeing each other.

Correct it should be fun - hence why I was taken aback when we could easily do another time.

Just quite liked this one, it's been so long I'd given up any hope of ever liking anyone (sad fucker I am)

stumblymonkey Mon 25-Jan-16 13:13:27

Personally I wouldn't see this one thing as a 'LTB' moment.

To me there are two types of issues in a relationship: immediate deal breakers and others where they get three strikes.

Deal breakers for me are cheating, emotional/physical abuse, etc.

This particular type of incident would be a three striker. The first time they do it you have an adult conversation (non-blaming) about what happened, how it made you feel, how he felt and how you would like both of you to handle a similar situation in the future.

Yes...his response did seem a little childish but not every guy (even the normal, decent ones) is a fantastic communicator straight off the bat. He may also be feeling vulnerable if he's wondering whether he's over-invested.

This way you can model more appropriate ways to deal with situations.

If he continues to demonstrate the same behaviour after that then obviously LTB...ain't no-one got time for that.

willconcern Mon 25-Jan-16 13:14:22

Ah, a "string of shitty texts" is different to what you described. And 6 weeks in only.

I've changed my mind. Life's too short!

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