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Do I forgive my Dad for watching child pornography

(81 Posts)
Kynance71 Fri 15-Jan-16 19:49:34

I really need help. Back in November while my Dad was in hospital from his 2nd stroke I found out he had been looking at children on the Internet. It makes me sick to my stomach and I have gone through every emotion since.
I took his laptop when I left from visiting him for the weekend and went straight to the police after getting DH to look at his history.
12yo girl and sex etc. I was in turmoil, my whole life in question. My Dad who I adored, how could he do this?
I asked him over the phone as we live 200 miles from each other a week later and he admitted to it. I hung up and have ignored his calls since.
Christmas and New year were awful but I have 3 kids (all be it older g24, b21 & g15) that I wanted to have a normal time.
They all know and are devastated. dd24 doesn't want him at her wedding later on in the year.
I have a couple of best friends who this has stirred up some demons of their own and have been a massive support.
I've just had this week off as a long term depression sufferer I can feel my self slipping. I wanted to go see him today but got an hour away and I flipped and couldn't do it so DH turned round and we came home. I feel relieved but still I need to either see and forgive/help or cut all ties.
The police have been a massive support and can't do anything as he is ill still in hospital. They got a warrant and took all other computers etc and called me to say that it was on them too. I asked if it was going back before his 1st stroke and it was for a long while.
He's my Dad but it's so wrong on every level. Those poor poor children.
I just don't know where to go from here 😪 I'm lost and broken.

ChristmasHousewife Fri 15-Jan-16 19:52:18

Easy answer - fuck no!!!

walkinginmercury Fri 15-Jan-16 19:53:38

I personally couldn't forgive. What did the police do? Does he gave access to children?

Quodlibet Fri 15-Jan-16 19:54:38

I think some professional therapy might be warranted to help you unpick this horrible issue. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you. Hugs.

ThomasRichard Fri 15-Jan-16 19:55:36

No, but it sounds as though you could use counselling to come to terms with it.

Error404usernamenotfound Fri 15-Jan-16 19:56:17

I'm so sorry, what an appalling thing for you to discover. All I can think to say is that you don't have to make a permanent decision right now. If being in contact with him, or the thought of contacting him, causes you distress then don't, until you feel stronger and the shock is less raw.

Best wishes to you and your family.


lunar1 Fri 15-Jan-16 19:56:49

There is only you who can decide. What he has done is hideous and there is a whole world out there to hate and judge him for it.

I don't think you should feel guilty for whatever you decide. What we all say we would do may be completely different to what we would actually do if faced with this.

coffeeisnectar Fri 15-Jan-16 19:57:45

I just couldn't forgive that on any level.

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 15-Jan-16 19:59:28

Basically what Christmas said but in caps.

IMurderedStampyLongnose Fri 15-Jan-16 19:59:38

How awful for youflowers I agree that you could probably do with some professional help on thinking through these issues.You can't just suddenly stop loving him,no matter what your disgust and horror at what you've discovered.I really feel for youflowers But objectively, no, I would not forgive nor would I see him again.

Arfarfanarf Fri 15-Jan-16 19:59:59

I couldnt have someone in my life who enjoyed watching or looking at pictures of child abuse.
I agree that you may need help to come to terms with it.

StuffandBother Fri 15-Jan-16 20:01:56

Oh Kynance, how horrid for you. My life has been turned upside down by something similar, years later the repercussions still ripple, it's has ripped out family apart sad look after yourself

expatinscotland Fri 15-Jan-16 20:02:39

NO, I could never forgive that.

Hassled Fri 15-Jan-16 20:03:24

This must be incredibly hard for you and I'm so sorry. I agree that you need some professional counselling and support - is it worth talking to your GP as a starting point, especially in light of the depression? But remember there's no need to forgive him - and there's no rush in deciding how to proceed. This all happened very recently and it's going to take time to process - so don't even consider seeing him for now.

PennyHasNoSurname Fri 15-Jan-16 20:03:51

Imo forgiving someone who has done this condones it.

Are you comfortable condoning this?

Personally (and I father), id want him to die a slow, painful, shame filled death.

Soooosie Fri 15-Jan-16 20:04:51

No I couldn't forgive that. Sorry

kalidasa Fri 15-Jan-16 20:05:22

There's an organisation called the Lucy Faithfull Foundation. They have a helpline for family members in your position, and I know they do work specifically re online offences as well.

GahBuggerit Fri 15-Jan-16 20:10:46

no fucking way. what made you suspicious to have asked your dh to check his history?

Phalarope Fri 15-Jan-16 20:15:38

It's not child pornography, it's images of a child being abused. Unforgivable.

SquareRootOf314 Fri 15-Jan-16 20:15:49

I know it must be very very very hard, but I would not be able to overlook that and go back to how you were before.

I really sympathise with you.

beeny Fri 15-Jan-16 20:18:47

I have in the past ten years regularly prosecuted cases where men have looked at indecent images of children. The images are horrific but only you can decide what you should do. Do not be too harsh on yourself my colleagues who also deal with these cases think that the amount of material available on the internet does actually seem to encourage this behaviour on some level.

Kynance71 Fri 15-Jan-16 20:19:25

No I don't condone it at all. I don't regret going to the police either. It's just tearing me apart.
I go from hating him to thinking he's poorly and I should be there. Then I think of the children in those pictures and get so angry he's lucky he's 200 miles away.
I agree counselling would be a good idea but these things take so long to come round and I can't afford private.
I did call 'stop it now' the LFF and they listen but nobody is going to tell me what to do.
My head spins everyday.
Thanks for your comments xxthanks

Allyearcheer Fri 15-Jan-16 20:20:47

Are there real children in these videos being abused? I couldn't forgive that, no. Sorry, it must be really hard for you OP.

beeny Fri 15-Jan-16 20:21:19

Take care of yourself xx

BrienneofQarth Fri 15-Jan-16 20:25:41

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have a close friend going through something very similar albeit she has been living with this for nearly 3 years now. I think it's very easy to say how you would react but the reality is very different. Have you sought professional help? I think talking to someone objective could be a great help.

My heart goes out to you flowers

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