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DS1s best friend has just stolen from him

(24 Posts)
Ponka Sat 02-Jan-16 22:42:11

Our Cat has recently passed away age 18 and it has hit DS1 age 11 hard. So we arranged for him to have one of his best mates come round for the day. His mate arrived with a Christmas present for DS and some flowers from his mum. Which was both lovely and surprising.

They were playing star wars lego and looking at all of DS's figures in the morning. Then we took them out for a sandwich for lunch and took them to a shop because DS was panicking and wanted to buy his friend a present back. We got him a little Star Wars lego set because he was admiring DS's figures so much and he seemed really pleased with it.

His friend left just before tea time and after about an hour, DS shouted me to say he couldn't find one of his favourite lego star wars figures anywhere. We searched for a while and then DS mentioned that his friend had disappeared upstairs on his own for a while in the morning before we went out and that he had been admiring that figure and a couple of others in particular. DH then said he noticed him coming downstairs with his hands in his pockets looking really sheepish. We all dismissed it at first because he's such a lovely kid and we would never expect anything like that from him but the more we searched, the more we knew. It had been in a pile in his room and now it just wasn't.

So, I sent a very polite text to his Dad. A "Do you think the figure might have got mixed up with the set" text so as to not cause trouble and threaten the friendship and his Dad confirmed that it had indeed got "Mixed up with the set" and would return it very soon. I don't know if they read any undertones from my text or not.

Now, just before bedtime, DS has since discovered 2 more of his figures are missing and is worried there may be more. We can't find them anywhere and I'm at a loss as to what to do.

I could attempt a "Did these two get mixed up too and are there any more?" text but that's just obvious.

I could just tell it how it is but that may risk things for DS and his best friend (if things aren't already stuffed up anyway!). DS really needs this friendship... or I thought he did.

We could just cut our losses but then how will DS ever want him to come round any more anyway.

I'm so gutted for him. It's not the figures, really. They are just plastic, even though they mean something to DS, they can be replaced. It's the loss of trust in their friendship. DS has gone to bed gutted and even more depressed than he was. I really feel for him.

It's so unexpected, too. My impression of DS's friend previously was he was the kindest most caring well brought up kid. He does stuff like offer to help carry my shopping bags and he helps clear the table and tidy things without anyone asking him!

So, if you've made it to the end of this marathon post (sorry), what the heck should I do now? Don't want to wade in there and make it worse for DS, as if things weren't bad enough already now. DH is really angry and doesn't want him in our house again but I'm worried about DS. He may well have just lost his best mate.

tharsheblows Sat 02-Jan-16 22:52:19

Text back that a couple more, x and y, seem to have gotten mixed in and would he mind having a check for those and any others you haven't noticed?

I think leave him a way out. Regarding whether or not to invite the boy back, maybe play it by ear but if he does come check that nothing's gotten accidentally (ahem) mixed into his stuff again right before he leaves.

HanSolo Sat 02-Jan-16 22:59:22

It's the principle, isn't it?

Text the parent, and list those that are missing. Let them know how disappointed your DS is.

Kids can be impulsive, but I would roast my child if I had a text like that from a friend's parent.

tharsheblows Sat 02-Jan-16 23:00:22

So exactly what you said re the text! I hate dealing with stuff like this, it makes me feel neurotic. Good luck.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sat 02-Jan-16 23:01:29

Kids can be impulsive,

^ ^ this.

defineme Sat 02-Jan-16 23:06:07

Just text again saying have the other 2 got mixe d in too?
The parent will know and deal with it.
I think it's bad, but also quite normal and doesn't mean the boy's awful, hopefully he'll have learnt not to do it again.
I would be quite clear if he ever came again...ie as he's leaving ask if anything had got mixed up with his syuff that is your ds's?

DancingDinosaur Sat 02-Jan-16 23:08:58

Just say to the dad, would you mind checking for theses ones too. The son will know that it hasn't gone unoticed won't he..... I'd leave him a way out too personally, kids can be impulsive. It doesn't make him a bad person though and this will make him think. He will know, even if dad doesn't.

Ponka Sat 02-Jan-16 23:10:37

Thanks everyone. Yes, I think another text tomorrow to mention that there might be a couple more minifigures "mixed up" with his stuff so that it's not done in a confrontational way but I think it'll be pretty obvious to his parents and I think they will probably 'roast him'. I kind of hope they do because I think he's a good kid that did a stupid thing and I'm hoping he'll learn something from this. I just hope DS can trust him again. What's the use of a BF that you don't trust?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs Sat 02-Jan-16 23:13:50

In his head he was probably just bortowing them. He will have known your ds would notice so he's hardly as master criminal.

As pps say just mention the others. Say somethimg like "it looks like things have got in a right muddle, does he have x and y as well"

He'll know. His df will know but it neddn't be a masdive scene. If they see each other at school they'd probably have sorted it between themselves.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 02-Jan-16 23:21:10

I've had this a few times with DP and his DCs. In the beginning he wouldn't believe that his DD could possibly nick anything, but eventually realised that actually, given half a chance, most kids will if they can get away with it! I don't think it says anything particular about the child, it's part of the learning process and he will only learn if he is caught and told off so do make a point of asking after the other figures.

Today we went over to DP's house and my DD found a distinctive notebook she was given for her birthday last month, that dsd was playing with here last week. Dsd has written her name on the front of it, saying that she thought DD had given it to her permanently, not just as part of the game they were playing, so DD can't even claim it back as hers, because a) DP will accept any excuse about it now being dsd's and b) it's now been ruined.

It is hard isn't it. DD wanted me to text him to bring it with him when we see him next, but I don't want to be petty and I know he'll just say he'll buy her another one. It probably only cost a couple of quid, but it's heartbreaking when someone they love and trust does this to them isn't it. It's not the item itself, but that feeling of entitlement that the other child obviously feels when they take it.

I've tried to tell DD it's a compliment that dsd seems to want the same things as her. DD has had things stolen from her bag at school by a little girl who obviously has issues at home, I did feel for the girl, but still upset for my DD that she seems to be a target for jealousy!

At least if the boy's parents have found one figure, it won't be a surprise if there are more, so might be worth another text to point out that there are a few missing.

Ponka Sat 02-Jan-16 23:37:20

Yes, true that these things are not uncommon. We've had things taken at school before and also another boy has taken something from our house before. I too have the feeling that I don't want to be petty about it all but I think this time it has just really got to me because DS got so low about it. I was hoping this might cheer him up because he is so upset about our cat but instead he's feeling even lower and betrayed by his best mate and went to bed in such a state. DH is saying he is not prepared for him to come here again. I think he might change his mind over time though. He reacts strongly to stuff then calms down. I think it'll all blow over.

Ponka Sat 02-Jan-16 23:39:28

Good way to look at it that it's a compliment, in a way, MarkRuffaloCrumble. I might try that positive spin tomorrow to cheer him up grin

tharsheblows Sat 02-Jan-16 23:46:03

It's not petty to want something you treasured back. MarkRuffaloCrumble, you're really not going to stand up for your daughter because you can't be bothered to talk about it with your partner?

needygonzales Sat 02-Jan-16 23:52:33

When my son was in reception he took a fridge magnet from school. I know how small this is but I was so upset I cried! He even told me he didn't ask because he thought the teacher would say no. I made him take it back but the point I wanted to make is that you should definitely ask the dad to check for the other figures because they will want to nip that behaviour in the bud as much as they can. I've since been told all kids do it but it's important to have the chance to tell them it's wrong and to correct them. Hopefully the boy will get a talking to and won't do anything like it again! Hope it gets sorted and the boys can patch up their friendship smile

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 03-Jan-16 00:00:48

Yes needy, when my DCs have 'accidentally' bought things home from school I have always made them take it back!

Sounds a bit lame not to mention it now, you're right, but I know DP will just forget and then all I'll have managed to do is call his DD a thief without actually getting the book back! Maybe I will message him in the morning so he has less time to forget!

Ponka Sun 03-Jan-16 00:05:23

I will definitely ask for the extra figures. DS would be gutted if I didn't. I know his parents a little. I think they'll be really embarrassed about it all, as I am. I think he'll be in big trouble as long as they do realise that it was more than just the "mix up" I have been texting them about. I think that when I text tomorrow it'll be pretty obvious.

tharsheblows Sun 03-Jan-16 00:13:49

MarkRuffaloCrumble oh good! It's better sorted now and you're doing the best thing for both girls.

Hope it goes well for both of you tomorrow!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 03-Jan-16 12:25:31

Have texted. Will see if it turns up and if not, at least I tried! He's so generous with them he'll probably just offer to buy DD another one, which is nice, although totally misses the point!

Pipistrella Sun 03-Jan-16 12:54:12

Make it casual - 'erm - sorry, could you have a look for x and x as well please?! there's quite a few wandered off. So sorry to be a nuisance'

tharsheblows Sun 03-Jan-16 13:31:27

Keep an eye on her in the future. As everyone's said, these things are normal phases but she'll continue to steal if she's never pulled up on it and allowed to continue without repercussions. Not fair on your daughter or her!

Ponka Mon 04-Jan-16 17:10:48

Hmmm, well after a little wait, we've received a reply to my second text saying that there are more figures at DS's friends house.

As far as I can tell, my very airy polite 'things have got mixed up' text has been taken literally and the parents do believe everything was just a mix up. Perhaps I should've been more forthright to make it more obvious because if that's the case DS's friend may have just learnt that it can be got away with (not good for him in the long run) but I'm wussy when it comes to that kind of thing and I didn't want to burn DS's bridges for him.

I suppose he hasn't got away scott free because he is returning the figures (hopefully all of them but DS can't work out if anything else is missing other than the 3 he has identified). Also, DS knows from what happened that it's a physical impossibility that it was anything other than a deliberate attempt to take them. He's scared what he'll take if he comes around again and he's not sure he wants to be friends with someone who would take some of his favourite things from him. It's so sad. sad

So, I guess the only way forward now is for them to work it out with each other at school unless something happens at the moment the figures are returned. We'll see.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Thu 07-Jan-16 13:49:46

Ah, that's really tricky. Now the friend will just learn to be better at hiding things! At least your DS gets his figures back, but at the cost of a friend, that's hard to swallow. Your poor DS, all that on top of losing his pet too sad

My DD got her book back, and like your situation, it was believed to be 'a mix up' or miscommunication. Who knows what really goes on in their heads, but it makes cynics of us all!

ChipsandGuac Thu 07-Jan-16 14:01:52

The boy hasn't got away with anything. He's returning the figures and potentially losing his best mate! Sometimes you don't need parental punishment. The real consequences are enough.

tiggerkid Thu 07-Jan-16 22:05:31

I would suggest texting back and asking about those too. Before you do, look through everything and make sure nothing else is missing as it will be odd to go back again. Hopefully the friend will be put off by the whole incident and will never do it again. I totally understand how you feel though as I would be heartbroken too if that happened. I think at this stage you may wish to let your DS decide if he wants to continue hanging out with this boy. Hopefully it was a one-off. On the other hand, he may decide he wants nothing to do with him and find other friends which is also up to him. From my own experience, I found that friendships at this age are rather easily formed, so hopefully if DS chooses to move on, he will find new friends without any difficulties.

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