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about a close relative being emotionally abused?

(7 Posts)
Lostmyxmasspirit Wed 23-Dec-15 23:59:26

Have NC for this and disguised as best I can to avoid being outed. Basically a close relative of mine is being very cruelly emotionally abused by their partner. Have been 'reassured' there is no physical violence involved but not convinced tbh sad
Partner is an absolute sly twat who is nice as pie in front of people and a cunt behind closed doors. Has admitted serious jealousy issues even when it comes to my relative spending time with CHILDREN in the family (think trips to McDonald's without the partner present) and making wild accusations like having an affair if out ten minutes longer than expected.
Only recently has my relative started telling me all this and it's been going on for months. I can't work out whether it's a cry for help or not sad
Why do these bastard horrible people think it's okay to treat people they're supposed to love so fucking badly.
Standing by and doing nothing is killing me!
Anyone have any ideas how I can put a stop to this?

MuttonWasAGoose Thu 24-Dec-15 00:03:21

Are they married with children? I ask because that can limit options for ltb.

Anyway, I think all you can do is to let her know you're there for her.

Lostmyxmasspirit Thu 24-Dec-15 00:27:25

There is a child involved but it's not both of theirs it's my relatives. Not married thank god confused

MuttonWasAGoose Thu 24-Dec-15 08:46:11

I think you'd get more responses if this were posted in relationships.

I think that there's little you can do except be supportive. You can say "that's abuse" when she tells you things. Emotional abusers make the victims doubt themselves so she may come to you for reassurance that her jumper isn't really "slutty" etc. There's a book by Lundy Banbridge that many people find very helpful.

Rozalia0 Thu 24-Dec-15 08:53:33

I'd ask for this to be moved to Relationships, you'll get great advice and support.

Most importantly be there for her. I'm not too long out of a marriage like this and the bastard effectively isolated me, so I had no feedback but his. Eventually I knew it was "all my fault".

Warn her, if you can, that this will damage her child. My H behaved exactly as you describe and the effect on my children ( not his, he has none) keeps me awake at night.

You're going to have to plaster that smile on around him for now. Fgs don't let him detect you know anything negative about him. If he sees you're a threat he'll stop her having anything to do with her.

Right now, not married, no children together she can walk (run) away from him. He might try to change this to increase his control of her.

I would think there is almost definitely more abuse going on, but this that you know is enough.

Good luck. I wish I'd had someone there for me.

chelle792 Thu 24-Dec-15 08:59:47

So hard. I'm in a similar situation with a male relative of mine. Last time I saw him he was so down and looked so tired. He never says anything but we have to witness some of the unpleasant behaviours of his girlfriend.

I've decided not to say anything as I don't want him to have to distance himself from me - I never see him without her and don't know of his messages are private. I've made it very clear though that I'm on the end of the phone and will be there for him the second he needs me.

Some advice would be good. How do be useful without alienating him and further isolating him

43percentburnt Thu 24-Dec-15 09:06:52

Buy Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that? Read it yourself and get her to read it secretly.

Keep in contact, give her women's aid phone number - go on their website and read up first. Ea can leave more 'scars' than actual violence. Some abusers will move onto violence - discreet to begin with - rough play fights, pushing, taking things off you (phone, car keys), or punching/destroying inanimate objects. Often telling the victim 'don't be so sensitive'.

She may not want to leave, you need to understand why this happens.

Work out with her what her finances would be if she left.

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