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Complicated - possibly upsetting/triggering

(33 Posts)
Canshopwillshop Tue 22-Dec-15 19:50:44

Really need advice. Just had a txt from my cousin to give me the 'sad' news that my Uncle died today. Far from being sad, this is a day I have fantasised about for the last 40 years because my uncle sexually abused me between the ages of 5 and 8. Sadly, and what hurts me even more, is that he outlived my mum, dad and sister. My late sister said when we lost our dad 3 years ago and I ranted to her about how unfair it was that Uncle paedo was still alive, that the fucker was hanging on by his fingernails as he knew what was waiting for him on the other side. A year later I lost her too. Paedo managed to make it to 99!

I feel such a mix of emotions that I just have to write it down. I just want to be able to talk to my sister about it and ask her what I should do. None of the rest of the family know what he did and now I don't know how to react or what to say. The cousin who texted has said he will let me know the arrangements but obviously I'm not going to go to the bloody funeral! This cousin is really close to paedo's sons (more cousins) and his own father was really good friends with paedo and has no clue.

What the hell would you do?

MidnightVelvetthe4th Tue 22-Dec-15 19:56:53

flowers for you.

Make an excuse maybe about why you won't be able to attend the funeral. Are you leaning towards telling the family or not, are you asking advice about that or is the wwyd more about what to do about the funeral? X

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Tue 22-Dec-15 20:02:00

My love, I'm so sorry, you're going through this and nobody to talk to, just write it all out here if that helps?

I agree an excuse would be a good thing, something like " I won't be attending for personal reasons, dead uncle would know why, but I don't need to discuss it, my thoughts are with you at this time"

There is of course the probability that he didn't just abuse you.

zzzzz Tue 22-Dec-15 20:03:12

I'd text back "Thank you for thinking of me but I won't be attending the funeral" and then I take someone I loved out for a lovely meal and dance.

I'm sorry for what he did to you and sorry you have lost your parents and sister. Be happy, it is by far the best revenge.

Hissy Tue 22-Dec-15 20:03:26

Long term solution, yes counselling will help, but I dare say you're in shock. Not sure who would be best to contact for an ear, The Samaritans perhaps?

Jackie0 Tue 22-Dec-15 20:03:45

Well certainly don't go to the funeral if you don't want to.
Basically do whatever you need to.
He doesn't matter , what matters right now is you.
Do you think it will be questioned if you don't go ?
If you don't want to explain just come down with stomach flu on the day.
I wouldn't be surprised if his remaining family had some sense of something even if they don't know specifics .

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaStory Tue 22-Dec-15 20:24:06

The Samaritans is for everyone who needs to talk. Most callers are not suicidal.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Canshopwillshop Tue 22-Dec-15 21:27:24

Thank you lovely people.
Midnight - yes, think I am sort of asking about advice on telling the family but just not sure what it would achieve any more. I will not be attending the funeral.
Hissy - I love your suggestion about what to say.
Jackie - I think you are right. I really do suspect that his own children might have been victims too!

Thank you zzz and Need - I really appreciate all your advice. I have tried counselling once but i don't think it's for me. I'm very good at talking to friends though and there are 2 close ones who know about this so I can and will talk to them when I get the chance.

Canshopwillshop Tue 22-Dec-15 21:29:32

Oh thank you Jackie too.

Hissy Wed 23-Dec-15 17:00:07

I think you may need to find the right counsellor, and be prepared to treat the issue at hand. Now he's dead things are different, try to access a telephone support, whichever one works and see if that gives any help, if it does then it may be a way towards preparing yourself for face to face therapy, with someone you grow to trust.

Hissy Wed 23-Dec-15 17:01:40

If anyone does question you on your decision just go broken record on them, "I'm comfortable with my decision" "I'm not prepared to discuss it"

Canshopwillshop Wed 23-Dec-15 22:31:49

Thanks again Hissy. I really want to be able to give the responses you have suggested. I have spent so many years thinking about writing to him, exposing him, telling him exactly how I felt about what he did but I kept my silence and now it's too late.

I think if I did now reveal all, I don't know if I would be believed and may be cut off from the extended family. However, I don't want to play along any more and make anyone think that I am sad about his death or that I really wanted to attend the funeral but just couldn't make it so think I'll take your advice.
Still not sure about counselling though - just doesn't sit right with me.

Hissy Wed 23-Dec-15 23:18:22

It's not too late for you to be free of the weight of what he did to you. He's dead. You are alive. You won, he didn't break you.

Can you see that even if you had have exposed him, it would have done little to help you.

It may be, not that he's dead, that others come to light, or long held suspicions are tentatively voiced. I will be very surprised if he only ever abused just you.

Don't think that you wasted any time, or chances or whatever, you did what you needed to at the time to get through this.

You don't have to (ever) do anything or say anything or go anywhere you don't want to. Your life is yours.

The only reason I say therapy may be helpful in time is that it enables you to be heard, to be believed, it enables you to safely voice thoughts and feelings that were made when you were a young child, overwhelmed by it all. There is no need to be that overwhelmed little girl any more, when you get to this part, you can start to lose the fear you held on to.

Then you can put the thoughts back in a safer place.

You are very strong, you have come this far alone, but now you may benefit from leaning a bit on others you can trust.

All I suggest is that you don't rule anything out, keep all the potential scenarios and solutions available, just in case.

I'm glad he's dead. The world lost a vile human being. There are far too many of them these days, one fewer has got to be a good thing.

Know that you're not alone, we are all thinking of you.

Canshopwillshop Sun 27-Dec-15 11:15:14

Thank you Hissy - I've just read your lovely reply. It's certainly helped me just by posting on here and getting the advice I've been given.

Hissy Sun 27-Dec-15 18:09:07

Mumsnet is brilliant, "talking" about it here is better than bottling it up, and once you have learned that it's ok to anonymously voice your thoughts, maybe one day you'll be up to talking to a professional

Main thing is to focus on what makes you feel better and stronger

Canshopwillshop Tue 29-Dec-15 21:54:32

Oh shit - just got an email from cousin giving me details of funeral and I'm frozen. Just don't know what to say or do. Sticking head in sand (again!). i have an easy excuse as its a 5 hour drive away and I've got kids and no other family so everyone would understand but on the other hand I feel like it's my one chance to speak up and out the dead fucker and it's very tempting!

zzzzz Tue 29-Dec-15 22:39:24

You don't need to explain or make an excuse, you just state you won't be attending. (this is actually what you are supposed to do to invitations, and funerals are not "invitation" events they are open to all).

Hissy Wed 30-Dec-15 10:12:12

Sweetheart, you knew this was coming, remember? It's inevitable.

Take a deep breath, and then when you are ready, simply reply "thanks for the details, I am unable to attend, but send you my condolences, please pass on my love to -<wider family/wife etc>"

They won't ask why, and even if they did just keep any answers simple "I am unable to attend"

Hissy Wed 30-Dec-15 10:20:48

I think if you called rape crisis to talk through what you are feeling, it may get you to the calm place so you can work out what you want to do/say.

There will of course be lots of high emotion around this for all, and it may be hat he abused his children, your cousins. With calm and time, you may all be able o support each other, remember that regardless of whether they were abused or not, they lost a parent and actually as they too have lost the chance of bringing dark secrets to the fore, they may be struggling.

Time will tell. Perhaps your refusal to go will show them that all wasn't well for you, and maybe it will help them to approach you for support/solidarity.

For now focus on what you can do. The truth will always out.

Canshopwillshop Wed 30-Dec-15 11:05:37

Hissy - once again the voice of reason! Thanks. There is no love lost for me between the 2 sons of the dead father - they also did things they shouldn't have to me which is what makes me think they were abused by him. I have in part forgiven them though as they were only young teenagers. They will surely realise why im not going. Sorry to drip feed the details but didn't feel ready to mention that bit when I first posted.

Anyway, I've decided not to dwell any longer. I have a happy life and family and I had put all this well behind me until recent events. I can now draw a line firmly under it all. Im off to email my cousin so I don't have to stew any longer.

Canshopwillshop Wed 30-Dec-15 11:14:17

Done it! Just said 'Dear ..., sorry for your loss. I won't be able to attend the funeral but send my condolences to you and .... Best wishes .
Sounds a bit curt but there you go.

Hissy Wed 30-Dec-15 12:39:42

Well done lovely! That took some guts, but you have done it now, one step forward in the rest of your love

Expect some ups and downs, expect the unexpected and please be kind to yourself, there is lots of help out there/here if you need it. You will get through all this.

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