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If you were pregnant by a mm?

(48 Posts)
Mummystar123 Tue 22-Dec-15 11:40:36

So the background.....
Met him online on a dating site, we started seeing each other, this was my first time dating since I split with hubby almost 2 years ago. He was a single dad with 3 kids that he co- parented around his work hours.
He had a job working for a medical production company and was a manager so his long hours etc didn't seem too unusual.
After a month he confessed that he still lived with his girlfriend even though they were separated. I was upset that he had lied but could relate to this as me and ex had to remain living together for a while after split as we couldn't afford not to.
We carried on seeing each other and eventually he said he loved me. I was falling hard for him too but kept my distance for a bit as I was scared of getting hurt ( don't know what it was but something I couldn't put my finger on).
I told him I loved him too and we went away for a lovely weekend together in the countryside. I realised I was crazy about him. Then came the pain!! He was still in a relationship with his girlfriend and living as a family. I was so devastated. He text and called me over and over but I ignored him to begin with and then agreed to meet for coffee. I'm not proud to say that we carried on the affair for another 4 months. I feel so awful for what I have done.
I was taking the mini pill and then switched to the combined pill.
2 weeks ago I discovered I was pregnant- he then confessed that his missus had gotten pregnant twice on the pill but didn't think it was relevant to tell me.
I would never have relied on just the pill and would have made him wear condoms too if I had known this.
He want me to have a termination but he knows that I cod never do tht, we spoke in the beginning about my views on termination and I told him then I would never do it.
Now he is saying I need to fix this, it's my fault his life will be over and he will lose everything. I know I've been incredibly stupid but I was in so deep. I feel terrible for his girlfriend and kids but I know in my heart I could never get over it if I had a termination.
I need some support. I feel like a complete a hole and I know I am but please someone give me advice.
Tia.

Sameshitdiffname Tue 22-Dec-15 11:44:16

His girlfriend/wife whatever getting pregnant on the pill isn't really relevant to you but the pill isn't 100% effective but that doesn't matter now what's done is done.

You don't have to have a termination he can't force you but realise he might not be there for you which is hard but you can do it (I'm doing it now)

Do you even want him in your life? He's a liar.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 22-Dec-15 11:49:09

It doesn't really matter what anyone else would do.

From his response, you can tell that he sees his future with his girlfriend. He never intended to leave. So, you need to end things with him and not let him worm his way back in. All of the lies that he told you were to get you into bed. That will hurt, but you need to accept it now so that you can make the best plans for yourself.

If you'd never forgive yourself for a termination, then your options are to have the child as a single mother, or to put the child up for adoption. If you have the baby, plan to have it on your own. You can chase him for child support, although your post doesn't make it clear if he actually does have a good job, and I believe that the amount he has to pay will be reduced if he has other children that live with him. It'll be something, though. Don't plan on him being around or having any contact with the child, though.

It's highly likely that he won't tell her, but if she finds out, she might leave him - in which case he runs to you as a back up plan, or she might move with him away. Be prepared for both. Don't be his back up plan, because he'll do this to you too. Honestly, you can't afford to invest anything else in his lies and crappy fairytales. Protect yourself and your unborn child.

What happened before is almost irrelevant now, but you need to make sure that you can see his lies for what they are, and that you protect yourself from them going forwards, or you'll open yourself up to a world of pain thinking that "maybe he's different" - and he never is.

ItchyArmpits Tue 22-Dec-15 11:49:54

Well, this man is a total waste of space. I would advise you get rid, but I suspect that he will leave of his own accord. Even if you do as he demands, the relationship with him is unlikely to survive (thank God, right? You deserve better than this).

This leaves you deciding what to do next.

See a proper counsellor.

webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/+/www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publichealth/Healthimprovement/Sexualhealth/Sexualhealthgeneralinformation/DH_4063860

LeaLeander Tue 22-Dec-15 11:57:44

So unfair to the child to bring it into a chaotic mess caused by poor choices all around. And saddling it with an absent, resentful "father" is just setting it up for misery and probably a life of making its own awful choices.
Termination would be best but if not please consider adoption.

Sameshitdiffname Tue 22-Dec-15 11:58:32

Lea why would a termination be best option? My sons dad is resentful and absent. What a stupid thing to say

LeaLeander Tue 22-Dec-15 12:10:24

Bringing kids into dysfunctional situations perpetuates dysfunction. Many studies show poor outcomes of boys raised without decent fathers in the picture. For society's sake the cycle of dysfunction must stop at some point.

whatsagoodusername Tue 22-Dec-15 12:21:57

Aw, his life is over because he is a cheating bastard. Poor thing.

Fuckwit. If he he didn't want a baby, knew perfectly well the pill isn't infallible, then he should have used a condom all by himself.

Don't have a termination if you don't want one. It's a shit situation, but you're the one who will have the lifelong consequences, whether you terminate or keep it. So choose the one that will make you happier and expect absolutely nothing from him - you won't have a happy relationship with him, so don't look for it, but maybe you'll get maintenance and the baby may or may not get to know its siblings.

mouldycheesefan Tue 22-Dec-15 12:23:01

It Does sound like You Are hopin For some kind of reconciliation with this man or for him to suddenly realise you are the one for him and leave his girlfriend..

You have asked what other people would do, terminate the pregnancy would be my option. You made some really bad decisions with this guy but you can go on to have a happy relationship with someone and have a family without all this drama llama stuff. That could still happen if you have the baby but it is less likely and at some point it will all go boom with him, his girlfriend, there are kids already involved etc.

Having this baby is unlikely to give you a very happy mum experience. You can walk away from this whole sorry mess and start again. You need to explore your reasons for deciding you would never get over a termination it's all very melodramatic. Think with your head now is the time to be a grown up about this.

Good luck whatever you decide.
Make better choices in future.

Sameshitdiffname Tue 22-Dec-15 12:32:49

I can't even respond to that Lea it's completely unsupportive of single mums.

mouldycheesefan Tue 22-Dec-15 12:36:08

Lea has a point however politically incorrect it may be to say it.

Op do get an std test as well as this man has been having unprotected sex with at least two women, probably more.

UmbongoUnchained Tue 22-Dec-15 12:37:46

What a stupid thing to say Lea. Shall I put my 1 year old up for adoption because my ex decided to leave and never return when she was 6 months?

AwfulBeryl Tue 22-Dec-15 12:44:50

Don't have a termination if you don't want one, but please see him for what he is.
He lied to you and cheated on his wife and family. He is trying to push you in to a termination despite knowing you don't want one. He is a bit of a cunt to put it lightly.
If his life is ruined it is his fault not yours.

Sameshitdiffname Tue 22-Dec-15 13:04:26

Mouldy no she doesn't have a point I know many people without fathers in their lives who have done very well and I assume the same for my son

LeaLeander Tue 22-Dec-15 13:16:50

Individual success stories do not negate the statistical outcomes.

Sameshitdiffname Tue 22-Dec-15 13:21:43

Can you link me to these studies?

aginghippy Tue 22-Dec-15 13:27:34

That may or may not be true Lea, but it doesn't help the op. This is a support thread, not AIBU.

Anyway, those statistics describe what happened to a large group of people. They do not predict the future for the op or her child (if she has one).

Cassimin Tue 22-Dec-15 13:28:23

Lea it completely depends on the parent of the child. I suspect you have been watching too many benefit/ Jeremy Kyle type programmes. I know of plenty of children from single parent families who are doing just fine.

Bubbletree4 Tue 22-Dec-15 13:29:20

Do you already have DC op?

maybebabybee Tue 22-Dec-15 13:30:51

Lea what do you suggest people do in families where the DP or DH walks out then? Relinquish the child?

hmm

My mum raised four of us as a single mum and we are all happy, healthy and doing well, ta very much.

maybebabybee Tue 22-Dec-15 13:31:27

And what about families where the DP/DH has died?

aginghippy Tue 22-Dec-15 13:37:16

Mummystar, if you are still reading, as others have said, I think you need to plan on a future without this man in your life. He is a liar and a cheat.

Sunbeam1112 Tue 22-Dec-15 13:48:46

I think its the situation that this child is born into that lea is getting at not necessarily relationship breaking down and absent father or death of a spouse. OP found out she was the OW and continued the affair for 4months knowing this, this has resulted in a pregnancy. He remains with his gf and family and has no intentions of seeing the child therefore that could be mentally damaging to a child knowing he was a product of an affair and that his father has a family with someone else. I actually feel sorry for the GF no one has given her a thought. OP yes he lied but your just as guilty continuing the affair when you had the opportunity to walk away.

You're as much at fault as he, no one can tell you what to do in this situation but you have to deal with the consquences of those actions whatever the decision you come to. If you hadn't known about his family and GF and gotten pregnant I would of sympathised. But as someone who had a family with my ex and he had an affair with a woman who knew about me and my DS i can condone this behaviour. She would be heartbroken to discover what had been going on. So please put yourself in her shoes for a second about how she would feel about the situation. If you want to out him please be as considerate to his GFs feelings as much as possible.

Sunbeam1112 Tue 22-Dec-15 13:50:12

Can't*

Mummystar123 Tue 22-Dec-15 13:50:28

Hi, thanks for your replies.
Termination is not an option for me. I won't go into why but it just isn't.
I know he is a liar and a cheat and I need to focus on that over my heart telling me that I love him.
I already have children with my husband, I have a good job and my ex pays child support and we co- parent well. I have told him that I am pregnant too and he is very supportive- he even went as far as to say ' I'll raise the child with the others as co- parent if xxxxx buggers off'. I am aware that I am very fortunate to have his support.
I feel so cross with myself more than anything. I went through a terrible patch of bad mental health at the time I was with this guy and made terrible choices in all areas of my life, I left my career ( back now) and isolated myself from friends and family. I was quite poorly. The meds and intensive cbt and Councelling has brought me back to my senses and now in heinsight I can believe I didn't walk the min he told me he was a mm.

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