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Partner not invited

(41 Posts)
xxemma87xx Mon 21-Dec-15 08:15:14

My parents won't invite my partner of 8 years to Christmas dinner this year, they only want me there. They're not happy that last year an older member of my family said something slightly racist and my partner said 'that was racist'. He wasn't rude about it, he called them out on it and made it in to a bit of a joke so they didn't offend them as it was their first time meeting. I'm really upset that it's come to this, and I've made the decision to spend Christmas with my partner. It's really annoyed me as he's not upset or annoyed in the slightest, my partners just accepted it like its normal. He's helped pick out my families gifts and everything this year. What would you do?

PennyHasNoSurname Mon 21-Dec-15 08:18:07

There is no "slightly racist" - a comment is either racist or it isnt. Good on him for calling them on it.

Personally id spend the day with Partner and have a good time, but I can understand that you may be annoyed with your folks.

How do you see them acting with him long term? Are they happy to accomodate him at other times of year etc?

TheDowagerCuntess Mon 21-Dec-15 08:18:17

I would do exactly as you're doing. flowers

I'm sorry your family are being so unreasonable. Why would they possibly think that you'd accept an invitation which excluded your partner? Odd.

Sparkletastic Mon 21-Dec-15 08:22:11

How unpleasant of your parents. I expect your partner is relieved to be spending the day just with you.

Seriouslyffs Mon 21-Dec-15 08:25:06

Nothing to do. You've made the right decision. At some time you probably need to have a conversation with parents. What will happen next Christmas? Next family wedding, Christening, whatever.
Was there an element of expediency? If it is great aunt racists 98th Christmas and your parents were just keeping the peace the problem will resolve itself soon. If racist relative isn't even there this Christmas you've got a problem...

BertrandRussell Mon 21-Dec-15 08:28:10

What was the slightly racist comment and what was his reply?

Mehitabel6 Mon 21-Dec-15 08:30:29

Don't do anything- you have made the right decision.

Salene Mon 21-Dec-15 08:32:57

I would tell them if he isn't invited then I don't come. You come as a pair.

They sound out of order, your partner is prob glad not to have to spend the day with them

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 21-Dec-15 08:40:17

Good choice, OP.

NoahVale Mon 21-Dec-15 08:42:12

no I wouldnt go of course.

Lweji Mon 21-Dec-15 08:45:39

Did they actually tell you to go and your partner not to?
Definitely don't go.

Have you told them yet?

And who is the older relative? A close relative?

Dipankrispaneven Mon 21-Dec-15 08:56:36

Of course I wouldn't go in your shoes. I'd be telling them they accepted me with my partner or not at all.

OurBlanche Mon 21-Dec-15 09:07:45

Well, "slightly racist" means either the comment made was racist and your partner was, at worst, a tad forward for a first meeting with his loved one's elderly rellie, or the comment wasn't racist and your partner was a bit of a dick, insulting his loved one's elderly rellie. I doubt anyone present was comfortable with your DP 'calling' their elderly rellie. It must have been embarrassing or he wouldn't have been blacklisted (no pun intended).

I appreciate that racism, sexism etc are to be highlighted and challenged at all times, but there are times and ways. You say he "called them out on it", a phrase that sounds both childish and aggressive, and is singularly inappropriate on first meeting an older relative, in someone elses home at Christmas.

Does your DP display such determined "Top Dog" tendencies at other times? Does he see himself as being the boss of everyone?

DinosaursRoar Mon 21-Dec-15 09:16:15

It depends on the comment and who said it - something that just made someone sound like they read the Daily Mail from someone elderly = he was rude to "call them out" on it, given that it really wasn't his place to be the one to have a word (that should have been your parents or you at a push).

If it was someone younger and it was a very offensive comment, then OK to say something, but still he should have deferred to the hosts to be the ones to deal with it.

As others have said, does he have "top dog" tendancies or be a bit arrogant? If so I can see why the invite was not forthcoming.

Would it have occurred to you to say somehting to the relative about the comment? If not, why not? Think about why you left it, then you might see why he's offended them.

DinosaursRoar Mon 21-Dec-15 09:24:57

Posted too soon! The fact that he finds having offended people so much that he's no longer welcome in their home at Christmas 'normal' (when he's effectively family now after 8 years, it's a big statement not to invite your DP of that long!) , is a very bad sign.

does he make a habit of alienating people? A "moral crusaider" with limited social skills (not seeing it as the host's role to say something to the racist relative, not him, shows a lack of tack and social skills) often ends up with a lonely partner.

Be careful which bridges you let him burn for you. While it's right to spend christmas with him, it would be good for him to apologise to your parents - it wasn't his place to say something. It's quite sad that it's been a year and it's not been addressed with your parents. Have you seen them with him through the year?

AuntieStella Mon 21-Dec-15 09:34:17

I think he was correct to object, but wrong in the way he did it. Telling off another guest publicly (especially an older relative) is never going to end well. And I can see why your parents do not want him there again.

But, as the only thing you can do, when faced with vileness from someone in circumstances where you cannot take issue, is remove yourself from the situation as soon as you can and not put yourself in it again.

So either way, it's not going to work for your DP to see your extended family again. And you'll need to allow for that in planning for future Christmases and other set piece events.

BertrandRussell Mon 21-Dec-15 09:37:29

"So either way, it's not going to work for your DP to see your extended family again. And you'll need to allow for that in planning for future Christmases and other set piece events."

Good Lord, really? What, never again? No possibility of explanation, apology, reconciliation? Wow!

Duckdeamon Mon 21-Dec-15 09:45:45

Why should people being older be an excuse for racism?

Unless there've been other things going on that would give your parents cause to dislike him, they're being unreasonable.

Duckdeamon Mon 21-Dec-15 09:46:48

Eh, only the host of an occasion can challenge racism? hmm

BertrandRussell Mon 21-Dec-15 09:48:22

"Why should people being older be an excuse for racism?"

It shouldn't. But I do think we need to know who said what to whom before we can make any sort of judgement in a situation like this.

OurBlanche Mon 21-Dec-15 09:54:41

It shouldn't, but not knowing what a 'slightly racist' comment is or what 'calling someone out' sounds like we only have the fact that the family have decided he was rude to go by.

His 'bit of a joke' seems to have offended OPs family and nothing in the last year has addressed it.

OP needs to consider carefully what actually happened and whose behaviour really is outrageous. Either her family are obnoxious racists or her OP is prone to pissing people off and can't restrain himself in even the most sensitive situations.

NoahVale Mon 21-Dec-15 09:56:11

it is a Whole Year since the alleged offence. Have you seen the family at all, or just one particular relation?
for god's sake

DinosaursRoar Mon 21-Dec-15 11:19:13

Duck - depends on the comment, the fact that the OP herself didn't feel the need to say anything to her family member is quite telling that it wasn't so bad it couldn't have waiting for a quiet word with the relative later.

His finding it 'normal' that his "calling out" has lead to him not being welcome at someone's house suggests this is a regular occurance to him, enough for him not being welcome back after one meeting is normal. Can't help but think that means he's being a twat rather than someone who meets a lot of racist /offensive people.

Dipankrispaneven Mon 21-Dec-15 11:23:11

he was rude to "call them out" on it, given that it really wasn't his place to be the one to have a word (that should have been your parents or you at a push).

But what was he supposed to do if they didn't? If you don't challenge racism it becomes acceptable.

GingerIvy Mon 21-Dec-15 11:25:54

When the relative made the "slightly racist" comment, did you back up your partner when he spoke up? Did anyone? If nobody else including you backed him up, your family probably feels that he was in the wrong to say anything.

They are completely incorrect, of course, but people are ridiculously stupid that way.

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