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Problems with the Mother in Law

(23 Posts)
Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 09:44:54

I need some help please.
My Mother in law (to be) and I aren't on speaking terms. Long story but I had a disagreement with her daughter and granddaughter and in turn, the MIL decided (without ever having a cross word or saying anything to me) to side with them. As a result I am not allowed to enter her home (you may read this and add that there;'s no smoke without fire, but my MIL is an unreasonable lady at the best of times and is known for being miserable). She lokos after our 2 year old (whom she adores) twice a week, but I have to toot my horn to indicate I've arrived (her partner, my fiance's step dad is absolutely fine with me, if anything he over compensates for her behaviour). Anyway my fiance said he'd take our little boy to visit her on Christmas Eve and she wants to know why she can't see him Christmas Day... He replied and said because she wouldn't let me in her house and how could he leave me home on my own on Christmas morning for a few hours. I'm penning a letter to her to say she is welcome to my home Christmas morning for breakfast and that I accept our relationship is what it is, but we need to be civil for the sake of our children. Has anyone any tips on how I can word this tactfully - I want to be the better person in all of this and avoid conflict as my little boy grows older. I'm a very strong person and will not tolerate bullying from her or her daughter or granddaughter so please don't think i'm a shrinking violet. Thanks in advance everyone

Peppapogstillonaloop Mon 14-Dec-15 09:50:36

If you really want to write maybe Something like, I think it would be beneficial for all of us and especially DS to be able to be in the same room and speak civilly to each other. I was hoping we could agree to get along for his sake..
But For what it's worth there is no way I would be letting someone who didn't let me in their house look after my child ever but esp not twice a week.. How is that even going to work when your son is older and notices you aren't allowed in? What do you think she is likely to be saying to him?

celestialgin Mon 14-Dec-15 09:53:56

I agree with peppa. Is the childminding so that you can work?

gamerchick Mon 14-Dec-15 09:57:19

I wouldn't be writing nothing down me. Written letters get passed about.

I wouldn't be using her for childcare (very shaky ground if she doesn't like you). You don't get anywhere 'being the bigger person' with these types of people. You're just giving her the green light to be a knob to you anytime she feels like it.

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 10:00:51

Thanks Peppa & Celesialgin.
Unfortunately my MIL is unreasonable, hence the letter as trying to talk to her face to face isn't feasible - she stopped talking to us the other year because we sent a birthday card that was entitled 'MUM' & not 'MOTHER' the other year - 3 months she didnt speak to us so you can understand where i'm coming from...
I take on board your comments about not letting someone look after your child on wouldnt let you in their house, but my son has an amazing relationship with his grnadad and we dont want to severe this...we thought that by agreeing to let her see our son, we were behaving more reasonably with her. Our son goes to nursery 2 days a week too. I doubt she says anything about me to him at all - she is the type who wouldnt bear to have my name mentioned... this is something that worries me as he gets older and ive told my fiance, the moment that our son says that she's spoken ill of me, contact is being withdrawn; i dont think grandad would allow this either. Thanks.

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 10:01:54

Thanks Gamerchick - i think you're right about her behaving like a knob - this was a compromise with my fiance though...

mamas12 Mon 14-Dec-15 10:05:38

Wow everyone is enabling this situation aren't they and I know how easy that is to not rock the boat and be the one to finally confront it.
But this can't go on
Don't write a letter, talk to your partner, well done to him for the bald factual explanation, he needs to carry on I. That vein and tell,his mother that you are being very kind by inviting her over for Xmas breakfast only if she is civil to you
I would seriously consider looking for our child care arrangements your dc wil notice.

DPotter Mon 14-Dec-15 10:06:38

This is a duplicate post from Relationships under heading The Mother in Law. You are receiving comments on both - maybe ask for one to be deleted so posters can focus on just the one ?

gamerchick Mon 14-Dec-15 10:11:33

But how many times will you compromise though? Where is her compromise?

Just let your bloke keep repeating that line to any Christmas questions and let the bairn go on Christmas Eve if you must. Why risk a tense atmosphere on Christmas morning?

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 10:12:12

Thanks Mamas 12.

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 10:12:51

It is Dpotter - i posted there in error but a lady had replied so i didnt want to delete until i had concluded with her. Thank you.

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 10:14:23

Gamerchick , there is no compromise with her at all. I've told my fianc that if this letter were to be sent and she declines, then that is it.

gamerchick Mon 14-Dec-15 10:20:52

Please don't send a letter she'll use it to try and humiliate you.

If you really want to hold an olive branch then go and see her personally. If she's not talking to you she'll have to listen won't she? Make your offer and leave, balls in her court then.

RonaldMcDonald Mon 14-Dec-15 10:21:40

Either
make an effort to get along with her - which might involve your trying to see her pov a little more or perhaps give her more rope
or
find someone else to look after your child

so far you have argued with your fiancé's; sister, niece and are now at odds with his mother. Maybe there are problems from you and them
Try to find a way through

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 10:40:39

Thanks gamerchick - i've just spoken to a colleague and she's pretty much echoed what you've said. - Thanks again smile

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 10:42:13

Ronaldmcdonald - ive made an effort with her - she sadly, is the one who has cut me out by taking her granddaughters (as did her mother too) side. Dont judge me and imply im the one with the problem - they are sadly a set of bullies and i will not tolerate that behaviour from anyone.

TheSecondViola Mon 14-Dec-15 13:02:01

What was the disagreement with the grandaughter?

Floralnomad Mon 14-Dec-15 13:11:16

Just leave her to stew , you have said that they will visit Christmas Eve and that will have to do unless she comes to you . I would also stop the childcare ,if they want to see your DS then they can see him when your DH visits . I've been in a similar situation and my Inlaws never backed down ( thankfully) and we've been NC for 18 yrs now .

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 15:39:43

The niece (who is 21) and has a history of being rude to me, came to my house and treated it like a doss hole whilst staying a few days and always talks to me like s*it. The final straw came when she broke wind at the dinner table, deliberately mid way through a meal... absolutely disgusting behaviour to which she laughed and didnt bother to apologise or excuse the behaviour. I told her it was disgusting and sprayed air freshener in the room as it was pretty horrific and she accused me of bullying her....ridiculous behvaiour from a rude little manipulator that I can see straight through, yet her family can't.

Thebloggerbeebee1981 Mon 14-Dec-15 15:40:50

Floralnomad, thanks for your feedback - good to know it's not just me in this situation and that there's light...

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Tue 15-Dec-15 11:01:09

I think it's time to be the bigger person and talk to all these people you've fallen out with and make peace. You can't go on with all these members of DP'S family not speaking to you, that's madness. someone needs to take the first step to sorting it so it might as well be you.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Tue 15-Dec-15 11:03:47

And as for spraying air fresher around whilst people were eating confused

Yes it's not great to break wind at the table, but it doesn't warrant an overreaction like that OP. Talk about turning something minor into a drama!

If you are prone to dramatics perhaps thats why you fall out with people so much?

FishWithABicycle Tue 15-Dec-15 11:10:18

I told her it was disgusting and sprayed air freshener in the room

That was horrifically rude of you OP. Your guest was being rude of course but that doesn't mean it's OK to be rude back.

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