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Friend had a baby - didn't know she was pregnant

(36 Posts)
Rjt1982 Tue 01-Dec-15 17:55:50

A friend, who I've known for ten years and regard quite close, had a baby at the weekend. I only found out through a parent at the school who she had told. She hadn't mentioned her pregnancy and we've been out for coffee, shopping quite a lot. The last time being two weeks ago. Before you ask, yes I noticed she had gained a little weight but I assumed it was because she had stopping going to her slimming world class. I feel annoyed and sad. She said her head was in a weird place but yet she told our neighbour. Is it safe to assume she doesn't value my friendship anymore?

OddSocksHighHeels Tue 01-Dec-15 19:27:41

No. I'd assume she wasn't in the best place, as she said. I'd be concerned for her tbh, is she acting normally otherwise?

WanderingTrolley1 Tue 01-Dec-15 19:30:42

Very strange behaviour.

She obviously has some issues.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Tue 01-Dec-15 19:32:28

You didn't know she was pregnant or that she also didn't know she was pregnant?

tribpot Tue 01-Dec-15 19:34:51

Yes, the missing pronoun in your title is key here. Who didn't know - you? Or her? It sounds like even if she did know she was deeply in denial about it, and needs help.

BYOSnowman Tue 01-Dec-15 19:44:11

I would not make it about me and would try and support my friend

Pregnancy can do funny things!

PurpleDaisies Tue 01-Dec-15 19:50:59

It sounds like she had some stuff going on that she hasn't told you about. Some things are really difficult to tell other people.

I wouldn't ditch her-I'd make it clear you want to support her with whatever's going on, even if she doesn't feel able to share what it is.

celtictoast Fri 04-Dec-15 19:55:50

I agree with PurpleDaisies.

StealthPolarBear Fri 04-Dec-15 20:14:52

How odd. I'd send a congratulations card and then follow up with a friendly text a week later

tobysmum77 Sun 27-Dec-15 15:57:57

She sounds great, none of that bump rubbing and tedious pregnancy conversation. Maybe she thought you knew?

Haffdonga Sun 27-Dec-15 16:07:13

Chances are this has F all to do with you or your relationship with your df. Much more likely that she has more going on than you know and you are the least of her problems.

I know 3 different people who have concealed or simply failed to mention pregnancies until the moment of birth. All 3 were parents already (so knew very well that they were pregnant) but had different reasons for either not admitting to themselves or not admitting to other people that they were pregnant. All three needed support for various reasons. (All 3 are now happily parenting their 'surprise' offspring.)

I'd congratulate your df. Pretend not to be shocked but be honest and say you didn't realise and offer to help.

TheSecondViola Sun 27-Dec-15 16:11:10

She concealed her pregnancy, and said her head was in a weird place....and your only concern is about YOU and your feelings about her baby?
hmm I can see why you're not the first person she might turn to for help.

VintageDresses Sun 27-Dec-15 16:16:38

I didn't specifically tell many people - it was uncomfortably attention grabbing for me. Once I'd told a couple in any social circle, I assumed they all knew

VintageDresses Sun 27-Dec-15 16:17:20

Then of course, later, I assumed it was obvious grin

helensburgh Sun 27-Dec-15 16:23:02

I think you have to draw a line under your thoughts re what's happened and congratulate her and move on

TheWildRumpyPumpus Sun 27-Dec-15 16:28:01

My sister is due in February. She's not put anything on Facebook about it, although posts about other stuff. Whenever I take pictures of her DS playing with my DC she hides from shot. She's only told one really close friend (apart from family) and everyone is sworn to secrecy. Her two other bridesmaids don't know - I've no idea what they'll think being kept in the dark but it's her second child so they must be used to it!

She just hates fuss and attention.

regenerationfez Sun 27-Dec-15 16:32:07

My friend concealed her pregnancy and only revealed it after it became blatantly obvious where we both worked. I and a few others knew from 20weeks but were sworn to secrecy. Turns out she had had several miscarriages and just couldn't face telling people about yet another failed pregnancy. She was definitely in a very irrational mindset throughout the pregnancy.

JE1234 Sun 27-Dec-15 16:34:40

Would she not have just assumed you'd noticed? I am pregnant and haven't announced it to anybody but most people I have seen have noticed. I am not bothered about telling people, they'll find out soon enough. I know lots of people who have done the same, I found the whole idea of announcing strange and I am definitely not one for the FB scan pic.

MrsDeVere Sun 27-Dec-15 16:38:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 27-Dec-15 16:38:42

You want to fall out with someone because they didn't tell you they were pregnant? hmm.

I texted a very long time friend (who I don't see very often as live far apart) to say I had had a baby. She said you kept that quiet! I'd had a miscarriage so felt embarrassed to announce a pregnancy if it didn't end in a baby. She didn't hold it against me...

People have any number of reasons for not telling certain people things. It's about their feelings, not yours!

Winifredgoose Sun 27-Dec-15 16:38:42

This is not about you and your friendship. For whatever reason she felt unable to be open about the pregnancy. She will be acutely aware of the fact she has acted strangely. If you are a good friend to her, support her.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 27-Dec-15 16:39:56

regeneration - are you serious about thinking your work colleague was being irrational?!

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Sun 27-Dec-15 16:40:55

Agree its not about you - it was probably easier to tell a relative stranger/ acquaintance who would only be in a position to say "Oh congratulations! Christmas baby, lovely... isn't the weather warm for the time of year?" than to tell a close friend who'd be bound to pry a bit more (in a nice way, but to expect a lot more conversation and information - boy or a girl, were you trying, scan pics, preg symptoms, who's the father will you be going back to work, what names are you thinking of, what have you bought? etc. etc. around the topic).

She said her head was in a weird place - maybe she's had loses, or maybe she had a big problem accepting and acknowledging the pregnancy for other reasons...

Not about you at all.

Kintan Sun 27-Dec-15 16:43:32

Did she actually conceal the pregnancy from you, or did she assume you knew? Maybe she thought you knew and thought that you deliberately weren't mentioning it?

Pipistrella Sun 27-Dec-15 16:45:05

I didn't tell anyone I didn't see on an everyday basis, about my pregnancy.

It wasn't that I didn't value their friendship. It's that I was afraid of being judged.

Lots of people I used to know have no idea I even had a baby.

Try not to take it personally.

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