My absent mother

(5 Posts)
Tillytoes14 Sat 24-Oct-15 21:28:32

Hi, my mum and dad separated when I was 9, well she had an affair and moved (three hours) away with her older partner. I was the one who discovered their affair, as my mum used to babysit her then partners son, once I happened to look through the key hole in the sitting room, as my mum and the boys dad closed the doors and I saw my mums hand on his leg and then they started kissing. I was in disbelief, only being 9 years old. That evening I told my dad, he and my mum then spoke about it, the following day my mum packed her suitcase and left the house, before telling me everything was my fault and walking away, leaving my dad to care for me and my mums daughter (my half sister, who was not paternally his), then she moved to a bed and breakfast for a few weeks before moving three hours away. We rarely spoke to my mum as my dad could not afford a home phone, we wrote a few letters to her and used the local phone box to speak to her and saw her only two times a year. My mum even now blames her now ex-husband for leaving us as children and walking away from her responsibilities, but that is something I'm not willing to accept, after all he didn't force her to go with him. My dad struggled at times raising both me and my sister, he suffered deep depression and started drinking, but he changed his life around and was a great father, who I cannot fault at all in anyway. My mum doesn't know half of what we all went through, my dad struggled financially, to the point he couldn't afford to eat everyday and we went to school with worn and ripped coats, that my dad used to sew because he couldn't afford to buy us new ones, holes in our shoes and clothes that were too small, my mum really has no idea how much of a struggle it was. She has always lived far away throughout our lives, but did move close by two years ago, we then had a good daughter and mother relationship and i felt good that I had a mum in my life as a mum should be, however a year ago she moved away again, after leaving her then husband for somebody she met on Facebook. Since she has moved away, she has little to no contact with me or her grandchildren, she never phones me, I have to phone her, she doesn't know that my daughter was in hospital recently because she stopped contacting us, I just don't think she cares anymore. I really don't know what to do, as I feel as the months go by she becomes a distant memory and not someone who I would call a mother because she has never really been one. I've always missed having a mother and daughter bond and have always envied those who have a supportive mother in their lives. Do I just cut her out completely, or shall I be honest and tell her how I feel? Sorry for the long post!

paulapompom Thu 29-Oct-15 08:00:08

Tilly I am so sorry for all you have been through, bloody hell, you are a strong woman for coping with all that. flowers

Not much experience here I'm afraid, but my advice would be to think of you self and your dc. You owe your mum nothing. She has consistently put her needs and wants above everyone else.

If you want a relationship with her on your terms, go for it. If you decide it's too painful / difficult then cut her out. It's time to keep yourself safe.

I've noticed wwyd does not get much traffic lately, would you consider moving this thread to Relationships? I sure there would be posters there who have experienced similar.

Also have you looked at the stately homes thread in relationships, you may find some help there.

Molly333 Sat 20-Aug-16 09:00:04

I hv some understanding here as my situation is similar in many ways except my mum has favouritism of the boys in my family and I've always been left to the wayside and criticised continually to everyone she can find to listen to her . Well finally at 47 years old ive walked away ( with counselling support) and I feel free , I've cried and and been angry for years yet I no longer feel that way , I feel this is in fact the start of my new life where I reform . I know the issues are my mums and that I'm ok , im popular and lots of people love me and support me , in many ways she hates that . I advocate counselling and to free yrself . You deserve to be loved but give up on her doing it , then it won't hurt so much each time . Expect nothing and build a new fun life and leave her in ur wake x x x good luck

WittyCakeMeister Sun 21-Aug-16 21:19:59

My mum sounds similar but I think perhaps not as bad.
My counsellor said she does not contact me because inside she is the 'child' and wants me to contact her, so that she feels loved. Someone did not love or parent her enough so she goes through life looking for that love and parent she never has. Even from her own children.

Your mum sounds completely focused on looking to others to fulfill her emotional needs, and as a result she can not tend to your emotional needs. If her needs are unmet, she blames others for not meeting them.

She probably can't accept any blame or criticism because her self-esteem is so low, she can't bear to look critically at herself. Look up 'the false self' on the internet.

You'll probably find she was there for you when it suited her - she had no one else or you fulfilled a role she needed.

Unfortunately you can't change her. There's prob little point telling her how you feel. Instead, be grateful for time you have with her, remember she is a damaged needy person and focus on building your own self-esteem. It sounds like uve got your head screwed on and have done ok, despite your difficult childhood. X

tigerlilly0404 Mon 29-Aug-16 22:37:21

omg..wittycake.... your words have touched me more then u could know!!! you have just completely described my mother...

OP.... I totally understand as sounds very similar to my childhood and even mother to this day! however I cut all contact now and have come to the understanding that she isn't the mother I want/need her to be but also I'm not the daughter she wants/needs me to be. sending hugs. xx

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