I don't think I can keep them safe any more...(3 Posts)
I really don't know what to do, am not even sure if this is the right place or if I should even be here, but I know I need to seek help.
I have mental health problems, have had them my entire life and they are currently becoming more prominent. I am virtually a recluse, I have no friends and no social media accounts, I don't drink, smoke, go out or spend any money (if I can help it). I love being alone, people scare me. However, some of these traits don't make it easy to be a good parent.
Recently I have noticed a lessening of my grip on reality, apparently I have psychosis. I have been referred to the mental health team, seen the crisis team, a psychiatrist, a psychiatric nurse and am about to see a psychologist. So the whole process is restarting, I have been here before.
I have four children, two young teenage adults and the other two are 12 and 14 year old boys. I am a single parent, I became pregnant as a teenage girl to a man who was abusive and an alcoholic. I stayed with him until I was helped to break away. I took all four children with me. They were young enough to not remember anything that happened, well mostly. I have tried really hard to keep them safe from him but he is still in their lives..
There are no legal contact agreements and he never actually seeks them out to see them except when he gets a new partner, he manipulates everyone around him, even the children. He does not contribute financially to the children and hasn't ever. I have always thought that a good trade off (no matter how unfair) for not having him around. I've never made him out to be a bad dad in front of them. The older two are wise to his behaviour now and mostly choose not to see him.
However, it is the 14 year old I am really worried about right now.The boys haven't seen him for ages and then this week the oldest asked to see him, I really don't want to send him but I have been very worried about him lately. He has been unusually badly behaved (he isn't normally), apparently he is worried I am going to be admitted to hospital, he has just started his GCSE year also. I was loath to upset him further so I let him go.
Yesterday I found out that he wants to go to a party tonight, I had a chat with him about all sorts of things, sex,condoms, criminal charges when you are under age and morals... tried not to lecture him and let him go with the proviso that he get picked up at 23.00.
It wasn't until I got home that I found out he is using his father as a smokescreen so he can go to this party and stay over all night (he is 14...).. Turns out he is aware that his father doesn't care, will let him do whatever he wants and won't pick him up from the party because he won't be willing to not drink for the evening. I spoke to him again and told him that if he went behind my back and did what he had been asked not to there would be serious consequences, he said okay he would be back on time but only after trying to convince me it was okay for him to stay as he'd known this girl for three years and that her parents knew about it... (she is apparently 15 years old). They are children. Overnight stays should not be acceptable for under age teens should they?
I had to contact his father (ugh...) and let him know the story, his reply was 'are her parents going to be there?'. I said I didn't know and it didn't matter as id already told him he couldn't stay overnight, he did not reply; this is perhaps the bravest ive been with him in a long long time, he still scares me and quite frankly I wouldn't be sorry if he was dead. Harsh I know but if you could only see the things he has done...
So, I am left with this, I am clearly not able to keep my youngest two safe. I need help. I have been considering foster care all weekend and then admitting myself to hospital but I have never had social care involvement before and I do not want to ruin their lives, they need me, but only if I'm in a fit state to take care of them.
I love them more than I thought I could ever love anything, I have been through a lot of abuse in my life and never thought I would be able to feel this way about anyone else ever.
I am very scared.
He's not doing anything a 101 other 14 year olds haven't done before him, some teens are just wily and cunning when it comes to pulling the wool over their parent's eyes.
For what it's worth you sound like a bloody amazing mum. I don't have anything more useful to add though, sorry.
Most teens will try this, and get caught out. Its no reflection of your parenting skills. You`ve had the chat, and given him expectations, stick to your guns and expect him home at 11.
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