problems with new husband, don't know what to do!(49 Posts)
I haven't been married for long and am not sure what I can do to handle all the problems we are having.
At the weekend we has a major falling out. My husband was snappy with me all day and continuously talks to me like I'm a child. He always tells me he's better than me at everything and sometimes even puts on a silly childish voice if I ask him to explain something to me.
Anyway he was putting together a photo album for us on Saturday and I said hang on id like some say in what goes in our album. He agreed but not until after he had formed his list. I kept glancing at the photos on the computer and he got angry and turned them away from me and told me to stop looking and leave him be.
This escalated into a huge row because I'm not "allowed" access to our stored photos on his hard drive in case I mess something yo and accidentally delete them! This means the only time I get to see them is when I glance over his shoulder when he's looking at them or if I ask his permission.
I could understand if I wasn't computer savvy but I actually work in IT and know what I'm doing so I don't get why he does this.
Anyway it all built up for me and I started having a go at him. Part of me also resents how I'm not trusted to drive his car (even though hr drives mine which is more expensive than his), how he constantly criticizes my driving when he's a passenger in my car, how I cant fold towels properly...etc.
Anyway he sat there and said pretty much nothing when I had a go at him other than that I'm being unreasonable because its his hard drive the photos are on and how I have no right to his stuff. Then suddenly out of nowhere he explodes and starts throwing things around the room and grabs my shoulders really hard. I was scared he was going to hurt me. Then he walked out and left, saying he wasn't staying the night, although he came back about an hour later.
He then blanked me the whole of yesterday refusing to interact with me at all, and this morning when I asked him when he would talk he said when he's ready maybe not for days and its all my fault because I'm not getting my own way. I tried to talk to him about how he makes me feel and he wasn't interested in discussing it and said its my problem and if I don't like it I can get out and leave.
This isn't the first time things like this have happened. He won't engage in arguing with me when I'm upset and then ends up exploding and getting to the point he's almost violent with me and seems to have to leave to cool down. After this has happened he literally ignores me for days and says its my fault.
The patronising behaviour will then stop for a while but inevitably it always starts up again and leads to this.
I'm so fed up with it. He tells me all indo is moan and nag which I think is really unfair because I rarely ask him to do anything for me I'm actually independent with my own job, car and interests. It feels like all he wants to do in the evenings is come home and edit photos in front of the computer and he gets angry when I try to talk to him or want to talk about our future plans like a new house or starting a family together.
Normally when things are good they are really good but it always gets back to this. I feel like he honestly couldn't care less about me at the moment.
I know he's stressed at work and whenever he's stressed he gets like this.
I'm seriously not sure whether I should be staying in this marriage. It's only been a few months and all sounds quite trivial but it does feel like he doesn't care or have any respect for me.
He's also fallen out with his family since meeting me. He had a seriously controlling mother who has essentially cut him out of their family since he decided to get married and I know that's making him worse too. I've tried to get him to address the problem with his family or seek counselling but he seems emotionally to have just cut them out without a second thought but my fear is that he's bottling it all up and its all coming out in this rage when we argue about things that are pretty trivial
I don't know what to do, he wont talk to me or acknowledge my feelings and I can't go on like this
You might get more advice if you had this moved to the 'Relationships' board - you have sympathy from me as he sounds like an emotionally stunted, manipulative, and controlling manchild. He seems to have very little respect.
How long did you know each other before marriage, and did you live together? It seems very strange if this behaviour is only manifesting itself after marriage; if so, it indicates that he has deliberately decided to show his true colours.
It sounds miserable.
If he won't talk about it and isn't willing to change/doesn't think there's a problem then your options are limited.
You can stay and live for the times when he isn't an arse. Or you can say no, I won't give over any more of my life to this, and leave. Or you can tell him that you aren't willing to live like this and ask him if he is willing to communicate with you properly.
It depends what your boundaries are, what your limits are and what life you want v will accept.
That's true shootthemoon. You get people who think once you're married to them they have trapped you for life.
We have been together about five years now. He's always given me the silent treatment when we argued but we never used to argue that often.
Over the last couple of years since getting engaged and having problems with his family and stress at work, his temper has just become explosive and he's been increasingly snappy...he wasn't like that when we first met v it maybe I should have dealt with it before we got married rather than just hoping it would get better again ;(
What possessed you to marry this man? my advice is to get out quick - now. This will not get better. He is an abusive bully and he will not change.
I would leave before you have children and become trapped
Its ironic because I remember when I first met his family and said how great he was to me etc they were like really?! They always described him as a stubborn, angry closed book and that's exactly what he is and I can see that now
Ah, I see. Well, from my POV, either he accepts he has a problem with his temper and his methods of coping, or he won't accept it at all. If he refuses to accept this then he's not going to change.
It would be one thing if you could have an open, honest, non-confrontational conversation with him, and you both figured out how to cope, be that therapy, or discussion techniques, or something else. If you have no hope of that, then as fenella rightly said, you have to figure out if you can live like this - potentially with it getting worse as time goes on. And can you imagine what it would feel like to have a child growing up with a parent who behaves like that? It would be terribly sad. You have already said that you're independent and strong - make sure you assert yourself while you still can, push his boundaries and figure out if he cares enough to acknowledge how you feel.
It doesn't sound trivial at all. It sounds horrendously abusive and difficult and shit and awful.
You are newly-weds. It shouldn't be like this after five years let alone five months (or however long it is)
Trust your instincts and get the hell out of there. He is already escalating and tipping into violent behaviour - please don't expect that he won't continue to do this to you...and worse.
Try contacting womens aid for some advice.
Also I don't know how much of this is normal. I mean do other husbands not allow their wife to drive their car or access their stuff?!
Am I being wrong here for expecting to be able to do what I want with the things in my home?
He also makes "jokes" whenever I'm in the kitchen about how I'm in my "rightful place" and he is a practical joker and will jump out and scare me sometimes after we have watched a horror film. I used to find these things amusing but recently, taking into account his other actions, I'm starting to wonder if he's playing with my mind a bit without perhaps even realising what he's doing?!
He also says he thinks I look great but wouldn't like it if put on any weight which constantly makes me angry with him
Everything in describing sounds awful but the other half of the time he's very caring and supportive and would do anything for me. I'm really torn
Abusers aren't awful fuckbags all the time - after all if they were then no one would ever stay with them for longer than a day.
Google the cycle of abuse.
in my marriage the phrase "do not allow" does not exist
he's certainly ticking a lot of boxes here...very textbook
No it's not normal!
And it's not about what other people may or may not tolerate.
Tolerating or accepting abuse doesn't mean abuse is normal or ok.
Don't ask if it's normal. Ask if it's acceptable.
So don't accept it.
Living for those times someone is not horrible to you is no way to live.
Thanks for your advice I think you're right I am scared it'll get worse so ill need to do something about this now while I'm still in a position to get out of this...its just so hard I don't know if I have the guts because I'm scares that he doesn't and I'm going to end up alone with a failed marriage that never even got properly started its been so good to talk about this thank you its so hard I don't feel like I have anyone else I can talk to as I don't want to involve family or our joint friends at the moment
As a cold outside i'd say take whats yours, walk away and don't look back.
If you really think he could change drastically then as a minimum marriage counselling and anger management for him. Plus a set of boundaries and shared rules.
Financially you sound like you could stand on your own?
I got it wrong. I married a child. His mother told me he was never satisfied. Always wanted the next thing then when he got it, it wasn't what he wanted. We lasted 11years marriage. Many of which he didn't work for (i paid for him to pursue his dream of writing) we had two DC, he left emptying the bank when we had two DC of 3 and1. I was in a difficult position. With hindsight I wish i'd swallowed my principals and written it off as a bad choice/ wrong marriage many years earlier.
My point is don't hope it will get better. Be proactive in getting out and on with your life or forcing him to engage in resolving a completely unexceptable way of behaving/ reacting.
I have passwords to to my DH keepass and Dropbox. (You work in IT so probably can understand what it means). I don't use it to look at his stuff but it's in case he has an accident I have access to all his electronic records. I know his phone and tablet passwords.
I drive his car if it's more convenient. And same with him driving mine.
As a couple you need to trust each other. He sounds like an abusive men who abuses you emotionally. I think you should run before you have children with him.
None of what you describe is normal, at least in my relationship. Occasionally, one of us will need a quiet evening of solitude (especially me, but we're both introverts), but we're both self-aware and adult enough to admit that we are having a hard time with work or whatever and just need some quiet time.
The violence is very worrying and most of what you say hints that his behaviour is escalating - he's testing your limits - and that it's only going to worsen, especially if you start to let him take control.
I've reread your OP and he sounds awful - there could possibly be some medical reasons for his behaviour (depression, bipolar, etc etc) but until he owns up to this behaviour not being acceptable, he won't change back into the person you thought you knew. It really isn't normal, especially early in marriage, honestly.
Other posters is also right it sounds like you aren't financially dependent on him yet. You should thank your lucky star you are seeing it now.
This isn't normal behaviour. It's disrespectful at the very least. You are both equals and should be on the same team together. Sorry OP but I would get out sooner rather than later - the chances are it won't improve long term.
Better to be out of a failed marriage than trapped in one.
No, this isn't normal at all. He sounds controlling and weird. And FWIW when someone's family tries to warn you about them, its an idea to listen to what they have to say. They've known him all his life, after all, so they know him warts and all.
And this: Better to be out of a failed marriage than trapped in one.
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