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OH won't sleep in same room

(19 Posts)
Kerryberry6716 Fri 14-Aug-15 09:21:36

My OH has been sleeping in another room to me for a long time now (over a couple of years) ehen our children were babies and Toddlers I could understand as they often disturbed us through the night and he has to go to work so I didn't want him to miss out on sleep. Now our children are older and it has started getting me down as I feel it is affecting our relationship. I feel more like his flat mate than partner. I keep asking him to sleep back in the same bed as me but it turns into arguments. Usually he says the bed is uncomfortable but recently he admitted that I should loose some weight. I am bigger since I had kids but I'm 5"8 and a size 14 which to me is not a big deal and although I would like to loose a stone I'm not that motivated as I'm not that unhappy how I am . Every time we discuss problems with our relationship he always comes back to my weight. Advice please x

Twitterqueen Fri 14-Aug-15 09:29:24

He doesn't love you
He using your weight as an excuse - you are fine as you are
He doesn't want any kind of intimacy or a real, open, loving relationship.

Sorry if this is harsh - I'm not saying ltb but you're right when you say you're more like [distant] flatmates than anything else.

JeanSeberg Fri 14-Aug-15 09:39:59

I'm assuming he has the body of Daniel Craig?

Kberry1234 Fri 14-Aug-15 09:44:52

He says he does love me . I think he does but not in that way. He has offered to pay for the gym for me and says I need to get some will power. When I say that I'm not that big and he is shallow he agrees but says if someone isn't attracted to someone else it won't work. I have told him that it makes me unhappy that our relationship is like this and asked him about things we can do to make an effort to sort things out such as going out for the evening but he doesn't have any interest. He works a lot and we only really spend time together with the kids. He says I take everything he says the wrong way but I can't help it if I find his attitude hurtful �� I want to work at our relationship. We have separated for several months before when our kids were toddlers and he spent all his time persuading me to come home. I don't really understand why if we have just ended up like this.

Kberry1234 Fri 14-Aug-15 09:47:02

He does have a slim body and he goes to the gym. I have always known he is funny about certain thing and I could understand more if I had changed dramatically

mindyourown15 Fri 14-Aug-15 09:53:27

I couldn't stay with someone who criticised my weight and made me feel so worthless. Don't you think you deserve better than that. His attitude is downright hurtful and incredibly mean.

Kberry1234 Fri 14-Aug-15 10:08:06

yes I do know all this in my head it's just hard when your actually in the situation especially if kids are involved. Having left before with nothing I really can't face putting my kids through that again as I know how hard it was and their both older now so I can't put them through it. My OH is good to me in other ways and I don't have a bad life it's just a different kind of relationship between us. I am confident within myself and I know that plenty of other men would find me attractive. I just want to feel desired I suppose and I want my OH to be proud that I'm his partner but tbh there has been occasions where I have felt he is embarrassed to be seen with me. Maybe I am imagining this as I do overthink things. I don't know what to do anymore but i will always put my kids happiness first

mindyourown15 Fri 14-Aug-15 10:10:40

Don't try and convince yourself that you staying together for the kids is in their best interests. All you are giving them is a blueprint for their own future relationships. And you say you would leave with nothing? Well don't stay for money either.

Kberry1234 Fri 14-Aug-15 10:33:53

i don't even want to leave my OH as I do love him and I want us to be a family. I think the only thing I can do is try and loose the weight and see if it actually does make a difference. I know I shouldn't have to but maybe it's worth a try

Kberry1234 Fri 14-Aug-15 10:35:24

I don't care about money I'm just talking about not even having a roof over our heads

Twitterqueen Fri 14-Aug-15 12:49:04

Love is not love when it's not returned and when it is abused.

How can you truly love a man who is telling you that it is your fault he doesn't want to spend time with you, that it's your fault your relationship is in trouble, that he absolutely can't be held to blame for anything because it's your fault that you are no longer a sex goddess. [in his eyes].

Why do you want to love a man like this?

pumpkinsweetie Fri 14-Aug-15 13:04:57

Oh gosh he sounds mentally abusive!

He wants you to lose weight, a size 14 is not big!
Not sleeping in the same bed, with no decent reason, would be the end for me.

mindyourown15 Fri 14-Aug-15 13:05:30

why wouldn't you have a roof over your heads?

And you think losing weight will stop him being a twat? That isn't how it works.

pumpkinsweetie Fri 14-Aug-15 13:08:53

mindy is correct, i am afraid, losing weight will not change his attitude.

If you were really, really bigger than when you first met and you had health implications i could understand his reasoning, but a size 14 is not big, and it is a healthy size.

You won't lose your roof over your head, as you will be entitled to live there until your youngest reaches 18 if you own it?

Can he not leave?

Kberry1234 Fri 14-Aug-15 13:28:45

It's his house the mortgage is in his name . I have not worked since we had our children iv been a stay at home mum. Now they are both at school I need to find some work and get some independence back. When I left before my family helped me with a deposit for a house and furniture etc but I can't ask them again as I chose to go back to my OH in the end and try and make a go of things. I feel so bad as I think I made the wrong decision in the way that if I had have stayed on my own I would be settled now. I also want to be 100% sure there is no chance for our relationship before I make a decision

Saltedcaramel2014 Fri 14-Aug-15 13:40:52

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds very lonely. Let's get one thing clear - you losing weight is not going to fix this. It's not. Do it if you want to (though in my view size 14 is fine) but not to fix your marriage. He will find something else to pick up on. If he cares - ask him about relationship counselling. You will be v lonely and miserable leaning things as they are.

Kberry1234 Fri 14-Aug-15 13:44:32

Yes I have just been looking into relationship counciling thanks for all your advice .

mindyourown15 Fri 14-Aug-15 14:07:16

are you married?

Kberry1234 Fri 14-Aug-15 14:11:07

No we aren't married

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