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Feel like a complete failure

(11 Posts)
Dolphiness Mon 03-Aug-15 13:47:56

I got pregnant at 18 and married the father, who turned out to be a wrong un. After he beat me in front of my children, I called the police.for years I have put up with my family's I told you so's and telling me how bad he was. DH2 was the complete opposite in every way and I do still love him despite the fact he walked out, lied to people about me and caused trouble (although I think most of it was caused by FIL and SIL who I never got along with. They are like that). Again, a lot of I told you so's and slating of both my children's fathers. My dad takes over with regard to my children whenever we go round (many a row), and my sister ( only see once a week at the most) blames everything on my children because her "perfect" children couldn't possibly do such a thing. "It must DS1, he has in the past!". She is forever telling my kids off and it has causes arguments. Her husband and DD1 join in and I feel intimidated as I do when I argue with my dad and Sis joins in (Dad's side always). I back down and am then feel guilty for not defending my children. My mum stays quiet. I work (I'm a teacher) and my children go to my mum after school. My dad retires in October which my children are dreading as am I. There are lots of other little bits, like my mum tells people about my failed marriages as a sort of justification of why I have turned up at a function alone. A recent wedding, she physical held me back, saying I'm never going to get a boyfriend as I make bad choices, from catching the bouquet. I know she was drunk but... I have been asked out indirectly, (he asked my cousin if I would be interested). My mum told him I wasn't. My bathroom needed repairing and I was saving up. One weekend, my BIL and dad turn up with a suite and paint and my bathroom was done, same with the kitchen. I am grateful but I had no say in the suite, cabinets, colour or anything. I feel totally out of control of my own life, like a school who have failed ofsted, so they bring people in to bring it up to standard. At work, is the only time I feel genuinely happy and in control. I love being with my children but my home isn't mine, I just pay the bills! and why have a house if you're never there?

SavoyCabbage Mon 03-Aug-15 13:53:52

So despite having a baby when you were really young you are now a teacher with a family and home of your own. You deserve admiration in my opinion. Not people trying to take you over. You've done a pretty good job so far!

You could try pulling back from your family a bit as it sounds like they are pulling you down. Is there an alternative solution to them looking after your do?

SavoyCabbage Mon 03-Aug-15 13:54:14

*dc not do

misscph1973 Mon 03-Aug-15 14:01:37

Oh, poor you, your family really don't appreciate your efforts. They treat you like you are not an andult. I'm really sorry for you!

It sounds to me like they have put you in a box and they want you to stay there. I am not sure what purpose it serves or if it has any benefit. Families have strange patterns.

Don't let them control you. You need to be in a position where you make the decisions, not them. I know it's easier said than done.

I think when you dad retires this could be your chance, as it is bound to result in some changes in your family. This is where you need to be very quick to reject any changes that are damaging to you and your children, you need to be strong.

Dolphiness Mon 03-Aug-15 14:04:29

No I wish there was. I try to get there after my dad has gone to work and pick them up before he gets back but don't always manage it. I try and only see my sis and dad maximum once a week. If one of her DC has a party etc, then she will visit on a Sunday and I try to stick to the Saturday but my Dad tries to get me to change too so he has one "relaxing day" child free.

Dolphiness Mon 03-Aug-15 14:08:33

I have tried misscph but it just causes arguments and I am running out of strong sad

TheBobbinIsWound Mon 03-Aug-15 14:12:42

Can you afford to send your DC to aftercare rather than your mother/ parents?

Casually change your locks and don't supply them with keys.

The bathroom thing was amazingly generous and I can understand how from your family's POV it's the loveliest gift but I had someone redo my bedroom as a teen and I TOTALLY understand the "it's lovely but it's not mine" feeling. They probably got so much out of surprising you that they forgot about your feelings.

The constant chastisement of your DC is not on. Especially when your niece is joining in too? Erm, no. That's why the children aren't happy about seeing grandad more, he bullies them and allows their aunt and cousin to do so too. Just thank them for their offer and take the kids elsewhere. ...use the bathroom money if you need to! wink

If your father likes "a child free day" then use this as your excuse. You don't have to take your children over there every weekend. Book a few day trips to the beach, etc, break the habit and never reinstate it.

Dolphiness Mon 03-Aug-15 14:28:18

I really wish I could. Bobbin but I really can't afford it long term. Breakfast/After school club (the cheapest I have found which will collect from the school) is £70 per day just for the youngest two. DS1 is in college and Ds2 is in secondary but not trustworthy enough on his own. He'd have all his mates round and trash the place.

I have been using the child free day excuse a bit lately but my mum is starting to get upset that she doesn't see me. I have told her why and I think she does understand.

I have told my dad how the Kids feel but he doesn't seem to care.

Dolphiness Mon 03-Aug-15 14:39:05

As for the keys, my mum has one in case I lock myself out but I now have a deadlock too which you can only lock if you have the key, no one except me and DS1 have that key smile

TheBobbinIsWound Thu 06-Aug-15 18:49:01

£70 a day for before and after care?!! Fuck I'm in the wrong job!!!

Look for a child minder the or a parent from the school who lives locally and will help you out for "beer/petrol" money. Stop relying on them you need to take back your power for your younger children's sake.

"I don't think she understands"
That's probably because she's been immersed in your fathers behaviour for so long.

"She gets upset because she hasn't seen us"
Consequences of her and your fathers actions.

Do I understand correctly from the deadlock comment that your mother's spare key is actually pointless then? Only you or DC1 are able to get in?

Look at your post from an outsider's perspective. You're an intelligent woman. You are responsible for other people's children daily and part of this is ensuring they are safeguarded.
If one of your pupil's parents came to you and told you the story of have shared, what would your advice be to them? Your relationship with your parents is skewed. They're treating you like a naughty child and you're not. You're actually a well thought of woman in a position of responsibility. You have succeeded where many others would have failed. You have your DC, your home and a career.

Take a step back and appreciate how strong you have been to walk away from a failed relationship, not once but twice and the second time, knowing how your family would react. None of this "staying together for the children" crap. You've shown your DC what is not acceptable. Continue this with the way their family are treating your youngest. It's not a case of money. It can't be. There's always a solution, you've just got to want it enough. Friends, childminders, what are your DC's college hours. Will they do it for £25/week?

Come on OP. You can do this.

Dolphiness Thu 13-Aug-15 14:29:32

In the wrong job? Definitely wink breakfast club is £5 per day per child and after school club is £30 per child per day (£10 per hour) . Thinking of giving up teaching and opening my own clubwink.
Yes my mums key is basically useless. If I can't be there for a delivery etc, I won't deadlock it just lock the door. Then she can get in otherwise no she can't.

I will def start looking at childminders. It is just the money stopping me. (I am still paying off the £16000 debt left by dh1 but that is another story) I don't know any other parents as I never take them or collect them from school.

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