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Being excluded by a group of school mums, should I stop socialising with them?

(23 Posts)
Ninjazx9r Mon 15-Jun-15 12:04:16

Hi, I'm looking for advice please.
I have been in a group of other mums for nearly 2yrs now but am constantly feeling like an outsider.
I am quite a quiet person and hate speaking out loudly in groups of people and have low confidence and self esteem - which I'm pretty sure they are all aware of. However I try hard to fit in with them but constantly feel pushed out, for example I will say 'good morning' as loud as I can but often I get completely ignored. So then sometimes I will stand there in the playground and listen to what they're saying and not even be acknowledged. Sometimes I will try talking to them but often don't get a word in. I am on a Facebook chat group with them too and often it's the same too, as I can actually type a message though I actually get a say, however quite a lot of the time my comments get ignored, particularly by one of the group.
There used to be a different Facebook group and then a new one got started and a few other mothers got left out. One mother in particular they are not keen on and make nasty comments about her behind her back yet will happily look after her child and pretend to be nice.
I'm wondering whether I'm just better off out of it as am sure I'm the next target to be got rid of and am fed up with feeling unwelcome by them. The question is do I just leave the Facebook group or do I say first that I don't feel welcome in their group anymore? To be honest I don't want to hear any pathetic excuses. Or should I stay in the group but turn notifications off and not join in? I don't want to cause bad feeling but I don't want to carry on being made to feel crap.
Thank you in anticipation.

Nolim Mon 15-Jun-15 12:05:58

I have similar personality. Watching with interest.

Mintyy Mon 15-Jun-15 12:10:07

Are you sure you want to associate with a group who will make unpleasant comments behind another Mum's back?

They sound awful!

Having said that, please try not to make too much of who liked your post on Facebook or whatever. That way madness lies.

Is it possible for you to disengage a bit and try and find other things to occupy your time/headspace?

dragonfly007 Mon 15-Jun-15 12:14:01

Personally I would switch off notifications, be polite but distance yourselves from them. They sound horrible and wouldn't be given my time!

Frusso Mon 15-Jun-15 12:16:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyBaudelaire Mon 15-Jun-15 12:18:40

dump them and run a mile

Ninjazx9r Mon 15-Jun-15 12:36:11

Thanks for your opinions everyone. I think the only reasons I haven't distanced myself earlier is because I don't want to give the 'chief mum in charge' the satisfaction, and also I don't want to be alone �� The other main group of mums is even bigger and full of naval mums. Guess I'm better off being alone than standing there being ignored though hey.

Eigg Mon 15-Jun-15 12:41:18

They don't sound very nice.

If you are a quiet person and don't want a fuss I'd just switch off notifications and find someone else to talk to in the playground.

HoggleHoggle Mon 15-Jun-15 12:43:18

This sort of thing makes me feel sick. Some people really never grow up and treat others like total crap.

I'd politely disengage, it doesn't sound as though they're ever going to make you feel good.

I run a mile from social groups where there is a clear 'chief'. Hideous.

Ninjazx9r Mon 15-Jun-15 12:52:42

Thanks for the advice ladies.

What's frustrating is the fact that everyone seems to think the sun shines out of 'the Chiefs' butt! Hopefully they will all see the true light of day one day soon!

Ninjazx9r Mon 15-Jun-15 12:55:00

Oh, unfortunately I don't seem to be able to turn off notifications for just one group, it applies to all messages.

Luckyfellow Mon 15-Jun-15 12:57:07

I don't understand why you care. It doesn't sound like you even like these women. Just leave them to chat with each other. Speak to somebody else. I just stand by myself if there is nobody to chat to when I'm picking up my DCs. It is only a few minutes.

Vagndidit Mon 15-Jun-15 13:01:58

I dealt with something similar, a miserable group of women--I honestly didn't know why I was trying so hard. In the end I drifted away on my own and they were too far up their own arses to even notice.
Counting the days until DS finishes primary school here (or we move somewhere than isn't as socially insular---like home...) so I can rid myself of school gate drama.

Oblique27 Mon 15-Jun-15 13:05:33

One of the saddest lessons I learned as a mother is how unwelcoming other mothers are ( I didn't discover MN till much later). They stay in the same clique they had at school.....I gave up sad

Ninjazx9r Mon 15-Jun-15 13:12:15

Luckyfellow, you're right, I certainly don't like the chief; but sometimes I'm unsure about the others as they are ok on their own but then maybe they are just being polite to me.

AlmaMartyr Mon 15-Jun-15 13:21:15

I was in a group like this, it was nasty. I left/got kicked out (big huge mess). Was distraught at the time because I thought I'd be lonely but I made other friends much more quickly and really am so glad I got out. Looking back, I can't believe I put up with it for so long, all the nasty toxicity. I was ashamed to know most of them and it was horrible feeling that way.

Distance yourself, you'll find other friends. I've found that the most interesting people aren't really part of an exclusive group and tend to be the ones on their own a bit more.

Ninjazx9r Mon 15-Jun-15 13:22:41

It's very sad that this situation seems to be so common.

AlmaMartyr Mon 15-Jun-15 13:22:41

One thing I did learn as well - if they're mean about others behind their backs, they'll be mean about you behind yours.

ZaZathecat Mon 15-Jun-15 19:08:47

My advice would be forget trying to be one of a crowd and get friendly with other 'outsiders'. My personality is a bit like yours and that is what I did. Have made some lovely close friends this way, and IMO the people on their own are often some of the most interesting.

Eigg Mon 15-Jun-15 22:12:57

To be honest if the others are nasty to people just because the popular one say so they really aren't worth bothering about even if they are ok on their own.

ToodleooAndPeekaboo Mon 15-Jun-15 22:23:02

If you make any kind of 'statement' it'll just turn into a big thing and make your life even more uncomfortable. Don't give them any gossip fodder by flouncing. Quietly drift off. Leave the facebook group without mentioning it, and if anyone picks up on it say "yes, I'm trying to cut down how much time I spend online" and leave it at that. Nod and smile as usual in the playground, take or leave being included in their conversations, and seek out other quieter people to befriend, who seem more worth the time. It's a shame things seem to go like this, but I think pleasing yourself without making a big drama about leaving the 'group' is the way to go...

Gdydgkyk Mon 15-Jun-15 22:26:30

I would just stop commenting in the group and only chat to those who return your conversation.

Ninjazx9r Tue 16-Jun-15 11:49:32

Toodleooandpeekaboo, very wise words thank you.
Thanks again to all of you for your advice, i really appreciate it. smile
And those of you that are in similar situations I hope things improve soon for you.

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