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non-contact dad wants contact after a year of not seeing child. WWYD?

(9 Posts)
britishbakeoffblues Mon 26-Jan-15 21:03:09

DS has not seen his dad at all for a year, and had infrequent contact with him prior to this for about 8 months, after we split up (saw him maybe 6 times in 8 months).
His dad has now contacted me (for the first time in 18 months as he never contacted me before, it was always me contacting him for my DS) saying he wants to be back in his life.
My DS has been seeing a psychotherapist to help him with behavioural problems that appear to stem from his father's absence and when we were together, he was not massively interested, as shown in a post I wrote a few years ago...
^I have concerns about the relationship between my DH and my DS.
My DH does as little as possible with my DS. Rarely gets up with him in the mornings, speakers to him like he's a teenager, is grumpy with him, says negative things all the time, shouts at him for the smallest things....
My DS (understandably, in my eyes!) isn't keen to spend time with his dad and usually clings to me, but not always.
I've threatened to leave if this continues (yes, it's really that bad!!) and my DH said he doesn't know if he would continue to see my DS if we split up....or if he cares.
My DS is a live wire, he's nearly two but is lively and fun to be around but isn't very obedient. I don't expect him to be, although I do discipline him if he's naughty.
My DS has not been very supportive from day one, then injured himself when DS was 3 months old and was entirely out of action until he was 11 months old - around but unable (physically) to hold/carry DS. DS didn't sleep well until 13 months and DH was not happy about this.
Am I being unfair? Does anyone else have experience of this?^
I have told his father that I will discuss this with my partner (who parents my DS with me extremely well and they are very close) and the psychotherapist.
Whilst I appreciate my DS has a right to have his father in his life, I am very scared that he will let him down again and I will be back to square one with his behaviour etc.
I am considering a very slow reintroduction starting with letters and some family mediation to lay ground rules (on both sides) before we think of them actually meeting again.
WWYD??

britishbakeoffblues Mon 26-Jan-15 21:05:23

DS has not seen his dad at all for a year, and had infrequent contact with him prior to this for about 8 months, after we split up (saw him maybe 6 times in 8 months).
His dad has now contacted me (for the first time in 18 months as he never contacted me before, it was always me contacting him for my DS) saying he wants to be back in his life.
My DS has been seeing a psychotherapist to help him with behavioural problems that appear to stem from his father's absence and when we were together, he was not massively interested, as shown in a post I wrote a few years ago...

I have concerns about the relationship between my DH and my DS.
My DH does as little as possible with my DS. Rarely gets up with him in the mornings, speakers to him like he's a teenager, is grumpy with him, says negative things all the time, shouts at him for the smallest things....
My DS (understandably, in my eyes!) isn't keen to spend time with his dad and usually clings to me, but not always.
I've threatened to leave if this continues (yes, it's really that bad!!) and my DH said he doesn't know if he would continue to see my DS if we split up....or if he cares.
My DS is a live wire, he's nearly two but is lively and fun to be around but isn't very obedient. I don't expect him to be, although I do discipline him if he's naughty.
My DS has not been very supportive from day one, then injured himself when DS was 3 months old and was entirely out of action until he was 11 months old - around but unable (physically) to hold/carry DS. DS didn't sleep well until 13 months and DH was not happy about this.
Am I being unfair? Does anyone else have experience of this?

I have told his father that I will discuss this with my partner (who parents my DS with me extremely well and they are very close) and the psychotherapist.
Whilst I appreciate my DS has a right to have his father in his life, I am very scared that he will let him down again and I will be back to square one with his behaviour etc.
I am considering a very slow reintroduction starting with letters and some family mediation to lay ground rules (on both sides) before we think of them actually meeting again.
WWYD??

britishbakeoffblues Mon 26-Jan-15 21:05:39

sorry, just trying to make it easier to read!!

pookamoo Mon 26-Jan-15 21:06:06

how old is your DS now?

britishbakeoffblues Mon 26-Jan-15 21:08:28

He's almost 4.

Quitelikely Mon 26-Jan-15 21:17:04

I would say no because:

He was unreliable for the eight months he had contact

He was abusive to your son

I would say no and explain the reasons why.

He might take it to court but then you can push for supervised contact.

HereIAm20 Mon 09-Feb-15 13:10:07

I would suggest that you initially say that he is welcome to visit you in your home ( and make yourself busy in another room whilst he is there) in order for your son to readjust to him and whilst rebuilding the relationship. Then when they are comfortable with each other up it to days out and staying contact. He may have realised what he is missing now and I would always encourage a father and child to have a relationship - however you may feel about him. Difficult I know but you don't want to end up the bad guy years down the line if the child finds out Dad wanted contact but you refused. Also he does have the right to go to court for contact anyway. So much better to try to agree a compromise and build it up slowly.

britishbakeoffblues Tue 17-Feb-15 21:20:35

I suggested mediation to him - he has refused as he thinks we don't need it but I do.

britishbakeoffblues Tue 17-Feb-15 21:55:31

He has told me he will not come to my house.

He blames me entirely for our breakup. I don't blame him entirely - but I think we both made mistakes and put my hands up to not dealing with the break up as well as I could.

But he chose to not see his child and wrote some really awful emails to me about our son.

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