Me and my 1st unborn child deserve better(31 Posts)
I'm nearly 12 weeks pregnant with my 1st child. I've been married to my husband for nearly 3 years but he has serious please daddy issues and is a computer game addict.
Although his job deals with making cables safe we have cables stretched across our front room and I'm constantly having to cautiously navigate my way around them. I've asked him repeatedly to make them safe so that I'm not in danger of tripping over them. The other day a new computer accessory that belongs to his dad was brought into our sitting room and I tripped over the cable whilst serving him dinner. He went mental shouting at me asking if I was going to apologise! I said I had nothing to apologise for and that it was him that should be saying sorry and seeing if I was ok. He then unleashed a torrent of really hurtful abuse including calling me 'a fucking ignorant stupid blind cunt' all because I tripped over his new precious game cable. When I could take no more and wanted him to stop insulting me I punched him in the shoulder and quick as a flash he punched me back. I'm carrying his child. I packed a bag and moved into my mums house and have been waiting for an apology ever since. That was 5 days ago and nothing. I'm so so hurt and angry I don't know what to do. How can I stay with a manchild who prioritises his game cables over the wellbeing of his wife and baby? Please help!
Please just stay at your mums..and take care of you and baby. I'm sorry to say he sounds an utterly selfish juvenile man. I have a horrible feeling it'll get worse when the baby arrives and takes up time and attention. I know it's hard (having just left an abusive partner) but, try to keep a distance . Focus on your baby and their needs ie a stable loving home x
You punched him and he punched you - I think you both have issues and are better off apart.
When I could take no more and wanted him to stop insulting me I punched him in the shoulder and quick as a flash he punched me back. I'm carrying his child.
I'd never punch anyone without the full expectation of being punched right back!
So, although both of your violence is an issue, it sounds as though you're really locking horns over this cable thing. Aren't you allowed to touch them? Obviously, he should do it but if it's a serious risk to you/ soon to be DC, couldn't you?
His torrent of abuse was obviously uncalled for. Personally, I wouldn't be asking how to stay with someone who prioritises gaming over reality or who is abusive but how to stay away!
How do you see your future, with him?
I'd stay away from him, tbh.
You shouldn't have punched him at all, of course, but he most certainly shouldn't have punched you back - but that's kind of an aside to the fact that he seems to hold you pretty much in contempt, if he can't be arsed to make your home safe for you while pg, or indeed for when your baby comes along. Abusing you for tripping over a hazard of his creation is just ridiculous.
Does he actually have any good points?
I know I shouldn't have hit him but I couldn't believe that he was so angry at me for tripping over a cable! He just kept saying horrible things and I saw red. It was a new cable that I didn't know was there and before bringing dinner out I'd asked him if he could make the room safe as there was stuff everywhere from him unpacking his new toy. He' s not normally violent but I was still shocked that he didn't think twice to hit me back.
I wouldn't think twice before hitting someone who'd hit me either.
You obviously aren't prepared to live like that - good for you. He doesn't seem too concerned that you've left. So, where do you want to go from here?
You hit each other. You are no better than he is. And the 'I'm carrying his child' line to make his action sound worse than yours is unacceptable.
If you want a relationship with this man you both need to sit down and discuss the changes you are both going to make.
You took a meal into him while he was gaming? Phooey to that!
OK, I could see why he might not want to deal with cables at home after dealing with them all day at work. But expecting you to apologize for tripping over a cable, and calling you nasty names for it? That's over the line. And now he's not doing anything to get you to come back? He doesn't care if you come back.
I think you've answered your own question op.
If you can wind each other up to violence once you can be damn sure it will happen again and again...
You are right, the baby deserves better.
And he also seems to have answered your question. he cares less about you and the babies wellbeing than....a cable. A games cable. He hasn't contacted you, he doesn't really care if you come back.
I wouldn't think it shocking if actually he wasn't relieved. The baby might have interrupted his game time
Yes he was out of order for calling you names, but you hit him first - thats not acceptable at all
(what is " serious please daddy issues " )
I'm probably somewhat old-fashioned in some of my views, but I think there is a difference between a woman hitting a man and a man hitting a woman who is also pregnant. Even if those hits are probably only shoving a person's shoulder.
This situation started because the OP tripped over a cable. It was the DH who then escalated that into a row (OP was supposed to apologise?). I would think that the "serious please daddy issues" is because the component was given to the DH by his daddy, and the DH's concern was more about the daddy-given-component rather than his wife and unborn baby.
If I had been there, I'd have shoved/hit that grown man's shoulder (or possibly aimed a lot lower down).
OP: You've already said it; he's a manchild. If he does want to repair your relationship, he's going to have to work on understanding his behaviour. If he's in thrall to his daddy, and his hobby, such that he doesn't accord his wife the same safety that he accords his clients, then it's a disaster waiting to happen, and it nearly did.
Nope - disagree with you there, there is no excuse for hitting another person AT ALL
"quick as a flash he punched me back," quick as a flash? do people really write like that?
to hit back is often a reflex reaction, a self defence mechanism. There is never an excuse for hitting first, and no, whether it's a woman or a man makes no difference.
What's a serious please daddy issue?
Stay away OP, you obviously don't have a healthy relationship if there is violence involved on both sides. No excuse for hitting. He has shown he doesn't care whether you're there or not as he hasn't contacted you.
Concentrate on you and your baby.
Thanks for all your posts. I've not been in the best place so haven't responded til today.
To those that believe I was just as bad for hitting him in response to his verbal abuse, it would appear the law doesn't think like that. I went to see my GP as I've been so stressed and upset by the whole situation that I was concerned about the impact it was having on my baby. After explaining the whole situation to her she called me the following day saying she was obliged to contact social services as abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes. She has assured me that there is no danger of me having my baby taken off me but that if I move back in with husband then they will need to ensure that me and my baby are safe.
Below I have posted the texts that have been exchanged between myself and my husband. All of his replies have stunned me.
24.1.15 12.59 Me
I am saddened beyond belief that in the 4 days since your disgusting, abusive outburst you haven't once thought of apologising or showing concern for your wife and child.
No I should not have hit you. I was shocked and angry at your disproportionate reaction to me tripping over a hazard of your own creation. You have seen your baby on the scan and yet you think nothing of risking it's life with your cables and temper. You seem to hold me and your unborn childs lives in contempt as there has been no attempt to make the home safe and free from trip hazards for me while pregnant or indeed for when our baby comes along. When I did trip over a new cable that I was not aware of I disgustingly got shouted at and verbally abused. I was distraught that in that moment your precious cables were more important to you than the wellbeing of your wife and unborn child.
Frankly there was no excuse for it and I am concerned that with the numerous exposed cables stretched across the sitting room and your violent, irrational temper you're not providing a stable, safe environment for me and our baby.
If you're going to have such an aggressive temper over such minor issues I am sincerely worried about how you will cope with a newborn and a severe lack of sleep. You flew off the handle and launched a terrifying tirade of deeply hurtful abuse at me for tripping over a cable I'd asked you to put away so I could serve you dinner safely. When I could take no more and, regrettably, punched you to make you stop I was disgusted that you thought nothing of hitting me back when I'm carrying your child.
You need to make your cables safe and keep your temper in check, otherwise you're not trustworthy around our child.
If this is how you behave to me when I'm carrying your child, I dread to imagine how you could flip if our baby was to do something to upset you?
24.1.15 13.35 Him
I'm at hockey ull reply in time
24.1.15 18.39 Him
I cannot give a full and considered response to Ur msg at this time, and hope u'll give me till tomo to respond fully. I will say at this time that I deeply regret retaliating to Ur use of physical force and I appreciate Ur initial contact on the matter.
25.1.15 18.55 Him
I've had a,long day meeting (Financial Advisor), getting my glasses picking up my dad from airport and visiting my gma n pa. Gonna hav a curry night with my dad now, so won't replytoday.
I still don't know where to start. I'll admit that my reaction to the situation did go a little over the top, but I don't agree with Ur view on the point. Firstly I wasn't angry that u kicked the cable. I was angered already at that point because I'd been struggling with the thing for over an hour. I was upset by u when u felt u had no need to apologise. And then incensed that just because I'm a cabler I'm supposed to have all cables under the carpet even if I'm testing it. It's not my fault u tripped over the cable it was Urs for forgetting it was there. You where aware of the cables being there as Id told u that it wasn't totally safe and to tell me when u were serving, u hadn't told me u were coming in with those drinks. And the cable was there when u walked over it coming in. U forgot and tripped over it on the way out. Thats something that I'd expect u to be concerned about and worried u might hav broken something that doesn't even belong to me and apologise for it. If u hav that little respect for me and my dad and our relationship I dont see how u expect me to stay calm when u stubbornly refuse to say sorry after I calmly voiced my opinion so yeah. I'm gonna get upset. But u then think the best thing to do as a pregnant woman when having a argument is to go and physically assault the person who at that point is only verbally abusing you. That makes no sense. And if we're being concerned about the baby and it parents, would I be concerned that u can't handle the pressure of raising a kid when it won't do what u want it to with words, will u lash out.?
And as for safe home what about all the stuff u hav lying around and the general cleanliness of the place it seems rich u try play the blame and hav a look at urself card.
The way I see it when u don't look where Ur going and kick the cats u chase them and profusely apologise to mark sure they know that u didn't mean it and hope there not hurt or angry.
But with me u just swan out angry at me that u didn't mind Ur step over something that's important and expensive, bet if ud bought it for me up have been concerned. If I'd nearly broken something for Ur mum by not taking care ud be pissed and I'd accept it and say sorry but u never will. And that's what I can't stand. It's pure hiprocsy and pig headed Ness.
Then we get to the point when u walk out. It's like we never hav an argument with out u trying to walk out and threaten me with the end of the relationship, know Ur using the baby as well. Uve tried to get out of a car on the motorway before. If we're having that many differences of opinion know how will we hav a kid together without u packing it's things all the time. We're never gonna have stability in our relationship to do it without arguing and u walking out everytime. And things are getting worse not better.and I think I am getting better in my efforts towards the relationship so it's getting to much to be the one apologising for everything and being portrayed as a monster when I'm upset with how Ur behaving towards me.
As for showing concern for u and the baby I asked in my first text to u whether u had arrived at Ur mum's safely and I've asked what Ur plans are in general so that shows direct concern for u and concern for the baby as I'm asking what Ur planning on doing as a result of walking out.
I been in contact. But havnt felt I'd hav to apologise if u don't want to either. I'm at the end of my teather and wondering if us together is the best option for this baby. Especially in the short term as u keep reminding me stress is so bad for the baby. If we're never going to see eye to eye and accept eachother for our faults I struggle to see us surviving without arguing
I love you but I find it really Difficult to live by Ur standards and feel mine are ignored and suppressed and belittled.
PS. I would like to point out that I have never, ever 'kicked' either of my cats. I have accidentally tripped over one of them or caught their tail when they have run into the kitchen excitedly and got under my feet. I love them dearly as can surely be seen by his following statement that whenever I have done so I have immediately gone to them to make sure they're ok. Just wanted to make that clear.
Why are you texting instead of speaking to each other like adults?
You do seem to over react - did you really try to get out of a car on the motorway?
You both need to grow up a bit.
Not sure why u using the card of being pregnant.seems like u both were in the wrong.and you said he didn't contact you at all,but looks like he did text you when you walked out.you cant just go around hitting people because you are pregnant and then cry about the stress being bad for the baby.stop bringing up the baby at every argument and sort the problems between you like adults!glad you posted his texts,gives the other side of the story for once.
It's starting to look like the two of you are trying to make excuses and gathering evidence, via text, against each other.
The law would see you just as bad if not for hitting him as a reaction to his verbal abuse. I don't know where you get the idea they wouldn't. you being female and/or pregnant would have no bearing on it.
I suppose it could be your hormones that are making you carry on like a spoilt, whiny child, but if your relationship has always featured things like you hitting out at him and trying to jump out of a moving car then it sounds like you are both bad for each other and should remain apart.
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