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giving up work when DH doesn't want me to

(32 Posts)
BaconIsMyFriend Fri 02-Jan-15 13:13:45

I jst finished my mat leave 2 months ago with second DC. My request to work part-time was declined for genuine business reasons. I can't cope with two small children, being out of the house 11/12 hours 5 days.

all the house work, cooking, then trying to give them attention and keep up with school stuff for older DC. Plus, I miss them SO much.

DH doesn't support me leaving for financial reasons. basically we would be quite skint for a while until I got another job when youngest goes to school.

what do I do? I want his support. I'm going to regret missing my kids grow up but I also don't want to pile pressure on him. He also works 60 hours in shift work with a second job.
I'm stressed to the point of being in tears about it every day.

Teeb Fri 02-Jan-15 13:17:12

Could you get a part time job? How much of a drop in income do you think that would be?

fusspot66 Fri 02-Jan-15 13:19:49

You must both be near breaking point.
Can you look for a job with fewer hours? Presumably you're doing the maternity leave payback bit at work right now. Less hours means lower childcare costs.

slightlyworriednc Fri 02-Jan-15 13:21:34

I don't think you can give up without his agreement if he isn't willing to support you. You need to work so he can give up his second job. Chores should be split between you equally- this might not mean 50/50, as the person who works the least hours might do a bit more round the house.
I'm sure he misses them too.

BaconIsMyFriend Fri 02-Jan-15 13:45:35

Yes I agree I can't stop without his support although he would be totally supporting me financially as I have been saving up. I can cover done of the bills with my savings for about 2 years if I really eeked it out just we wouldn't have any luxuries.

I would be happy to work part time but I can't get a job that would cover nursery fees for a baby and childminder for older DC and have enough for bills after. so I would be working for nothing. suppose I just have to carry on. He does do house stuff but he is there less than me! sad sad

tumbletumble Fri 02-Jan-15 13:47:29

If I were you I would start looking for a part-time job somewhere else. I fully understand your wish to spend more time with your DC, but I don't think it would be right for you to stop working without his agreement.

tumbletumble Fri 02-Jan-15 13:48:53

Sorry, cross posted

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Fri 02-Jan-15 13:53:41

I can quite understand him not wanting to take the burden of being the breadwinner absolute, what if he ever lost his job

Personally I would stay in your job full time, the settling period of going back is always difficult but does settle, try to change your hours maybe, then look for another job while in employment

Then you need to not take 100% responsibility for all household chores and child related responsibilities, if he wants you back at work then it has to be 50/50 at home as well

feelingunsupported Fri 02-Jan-15 13:57:04

You really can't give up work without his support. We all miss our children when we have to work - I'm giving he does too?

Could you afford to pay a cleaner so that your time at home is spent with the children? That's what we plan on doing once our loan is paid off next year.

It's hard - really hard. But - giving up sounds like it would cause resentment.

AuntieStella Fri 02-Jan-15 14:01:17

In your shoes I would go back to work and see what life is really like once that has happened.

Then, always remembering that your DH might be missing the DC during his working hours too, you work out with him what budget you need and how you can both arrange your working lives to cover it.

Both of you finding part-time roles might be a way ahead.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Fri 02-Jan-15 14:03:01

You don't even need a cleaner

What we do is once the kids are in bed we have 1 evening a week where we blitz the house between us, take a few rooms each and get it done while waiting got a takeaway reward to be delivered

Washing needs to be done every night to keep on top of it and avoid a weekend stockpile

And buy a slow cooker and get that on 4 nights a week

You can do it, it's whether you want to - the thing is I would love to be home but end of the day I can't afford to be and to put the burden of providing everything onto my DH is just not on, and even if you have savings for two years, what happens after they are gone?

And they will go as life loves to throws pensive curveballs, and after two years out of the job market you are pretty much starting from scratch

addictedtosugar Fri 02-Jan-15 14:06:13

Its taken me 2 years, but I have finally got a compromise on working hours after reduced hours were rejected. I moved internally, to a job I thought had less chance of flexiblity, but tears in my bosses office (not my finest moment) has resulted in a trial of compressed hours - so an extra hour each day gives me Friday afternoons off. Minimal difference in nursery fees, but I get a couple of hours to myself hairdresser, dentist etc, and then pick the oldest up from school, which he adores. I have a short commute tho. It sounds like you might not.

So, I guess that if quitting now isn't right for everyone, try going back, and see if there is an alternative when you get there. You can also look for other jobs (if you can find time!) which might have more suitable hours.

There was also an article recently about the number of families where the lowest earned basically works for childcare for a few years. Its a hard slog, but usually worth it in the long run -see the threads on here about SAHMs trying to get back into work.

milkysmum Fri 02-Jan-15 14:06:53

I think you should probably keep looking for part time hours. Lots of people work part time and just about afford the childcare too. I was in a similar position having two children in nursery and no you don't have lots left over but still..... On the other hand if you and dh can sit down review finances and you can BOTH agree you giving up work then greatsmile

Viviennemary Fri 02-Jan-15 14:07:25

I think working full time with two small chidlren is very hard. But you still need to see if it's financially viable to live on your DH's wage alone. If it isn't then you can't really give up work completely at the moment. But why not give your job a go. It might not be quite as hard as you think. And I certainly agree with making life easier by employing a cleaner.

CateBlanket Fri 02-Jan-15 14:17:16

Stay at home with your baby and enjoy picking your older DC up from school and being with them in the holidays. You'll never get this time back again. You have savings to tide you over whilst you look for another stream of income.

CateBlanket Fri 02-Jan-15 14:20:29

see the threads on here about SAHMs trying to get back into work

We manage to!

morethanpotatoprints Fri 02-Jan-15 14:25:16

I think your dh is wrong tbh.
If you couldn't survive on one income then fair enough but luxuries are just that..... not essential.
Raising your children is pretty essential and it costs a lot of money to outsource this to somebody else.
Add up all the costs associated with you working including clothes, transport, childcare, tax, ni, etc and present him with the facts.
When you sit down and work out how much it actually costs to go to work its amazing so many people can afford to grin

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 02-Jan-15 14:25:44

I think your DH should be allowed to give up his second job before you give up work - sorry, I realise that probably isn't what you want to hear.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Fri 02-Jan-15 14:25:50

Stating at home doesn't at the bills though does it and by the looks if things OPs DH would also quite like the choice but doesn't get one does he, doing 60 hours in two jobs and that's while the OP is still working

What's he going to have to do once she's a SAHM to make ends meet?!

It's all very well wanting to be at home but sometimes it's not feasible, the poor man must've at breaking point on those hours

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Fri 02-Jan-15 14:27:55

Really bad predictive from me there

But the jist is I don't think your DH gets an easy ride as it is and he's quite right to not want to have to work even more so that you can be at home

MrsDiesel Fri 02-Jan-15 14:29:39

I would apply for part time jobs, if you have savings to last 2 years then surely it wouldn't take that long to get a new job? Is there anything internally that you can apply for?

morethanpotatoprints Fri 02-Jan-15 14:30:37


No disrespect to you here because I hear this a lot.
Most sahms don't intend to go to work its the reason they are sahms, otherwise they would be job seeking mums.
Too many people assume a sahm will want to work at some stage, maybe when dc start school, but it isn't really true for many.

Also, I have not heard of any sahm who has found it difficult to find work if she wanted to, I don't know where this comes from either.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Fri 02-Jan-15 14:48:49

I think I would put myself in your DH shoes, I bet done days he wants to cry too

60 hours a week in shifts doesn't sound fun for him

If you not working means he has to keep this up indefinitely, and maybe more, is that fair?

I would say not

BaconIsMyFriend Fri 02-Jan-15 14:49:17

DH could give up his second job he just likes the security of having extra money and being able to save/pay for the odd meal out etc.

Yes I know I can't put the burden on him I do agree with this I just feel like he gets the best of both worlds; a job he loves and time he could spend with the kids just chooses not to, and I don't see the kids and don't love my job. I did ask him if he would be a stay home dad (i earn more) he said no way grin

we can't afford clearner after childcare. He works nights too. I suupose I should try work out reduced hours and shed some tears like a previous poster said. or just keep looking for part time. I do like working and would rather continue I'm just upset right now.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Fri 02-Jan-15 14:51:54

I know how it feels, it's a shitter

But you are a team and I think it's not a bad thing that he wants to earn more than the bare minimum to give his kids and you a bit more security

When you say this period is short, you are right it is, and that works both ways, your kids won't suffer if you work, but if you don't they might in all sorts of ways

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