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In the words of the Clash...

(5 Posts)
incognitonicknamethingy Mon 29-Dec-14 13:36:44

Should I stay or should I go?

Back in the summer the police knocked on the door, wanted to talk to OH. Someone using his email address had been on Badoo, and had engaged a girl of 15 in a discussion of a sexual nature (actually it was a paedophile hunter). OH claimed that although he's used the site before we got together, he hadn't since, and that his email had been hacked (it was an old account he didn't use, effectively a spam account). I had no reason to disbelieve him.

I suppose I'm quite naive about such things, but it came as a surprise to me when social workers knocked on the door a few weeks later, to determine whether DS (2, with suspected ASD), was at risk. This really threw me, and I spent the ensuing months in a panic that he would be taken from me. I heard nothing for months, eventually complained to the council and got a report, saying they didn't think he was at risk (although they didn't believe OH's innocence, they felt I was able to protect and care for him), and they would have no further involvement.

I wasn't really satisfied with the outcome though, as it took so long, to produce a report that was full of errors (spelling and grammar was awful - I know it isn't everyone's strength, but it seems careless in an official report of such importance) and I felt indignant on behalf of OH.

We saw a manager. She's going to rewrite the report. At the start of October she said it would take 2 weeks. I'm still waiting, and during this time have been calling and emailing, being ignored and feeling very low.

Here comes the Clash bit. A week before Christmas I went to check my email on OH's laptop - DS was watching a video on mine. OH hadn't logged out of his email. I saw he had 2 notifications: one from Badoo, one from F*ckbook. I looked. There were loads of emails from social network sites, from women.

OH admitted he'd been looking for sex. Not to replace me, but because we don't really have it. DS co-sleeps with us. He has sleep problems linked to the suspected ASD, is on melatonin, but still has massive problems. He admitted it was probably him and not a hacked account that had resulted in police and social services involvement. He assured me that he didn't realise she was 15. (He misses lots of information, skims everything, doesn't pay attention - this is something I've found when I've emailed him at work). It's possible.

I don't think he's a risk to children but to my mind that isn't the worst of the betrayal. It's what he made me go through with social services. I feel like if he'd told the truth at the time I could have left with DS, and been spared the worse few months of my life. He let me stay because he didn't know how to cope without me, he might have killed himself. He didn't think I'd find out. He stopped for a while, but started again when he was feeling low, wanted an ego boost.

He claims he never actually met up with anyone. He was roundly rejected by many women and ended up feeling worse about himself. He carried on looking in the hope that he'd eventually not be rejected, and would feel better, more attractive, whatever.

What this all boils down to is that he claims he felt unwanted because of the amount of my time spent caring for, and sharing a bed with, DS. The problem with leaving is that DS has a half sister, who he loves, from OH's previous relationship. I love her too, and she me. He has a great nursery, his autism assessment is next month, his paediatrician is here. We have set routines that DS needs, based around where we are, so in the short term at least, leaving would be worse for him. I don't have any money - I'm awaiting a DLA decision - so I'd need to get on the council waiting list. I don't even know how it works, what the waiting times are etc. I don't have anyone we could stay with, except for my parents, who live 50 miles from our established routines. I don't drive.

So, should I cool it or should I blow?

Sorry for the length of the post, but writing it was cathartic. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

southeastastra Mon 29-Dec-14 13:56:26

run away as fast as you possible can

incognitonicknamethingy Mon 29-Dec-14 14:53:26

I don't know where to run to, or how to get there. I'm worried about the fallout if I go.

southeastastra Tue 30-Dec-14 09:17:19


ClashCityRocker Tue 30-Dec-14 09:24:08

Sorry but it sounds like he's pretty much trying to shift the blame on you.

I don't think I could forgive such a massive betrayal - he's risked tearing the family apart and potential social services involvement for years to come (I know the case is now closed, but it could have all gone so terribly wrong) to try and save his own sorry arse.

How has he suggested you move forward? If he was utterly remorseful, totally accepts that it was entirely his fault and willing to do whatever it takes (including counselling) to get things back on track, that would be a glimmer of hope, but it sounds like he's still trying to excuse and justify his behaviour.

Ultimately, I think you do need to go, and start looking at ways to make that happen.

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